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Passionate Professor Gets Teary-Eyed About The Death of Abraham Lincoln As the Whole Class Fully Browses Facebook

(04/23/18 8:44pm)

Timothy Dean is a tenured history professor with an unmatched knowledge and passion for Civil War studies. In his free time, he does pretty much nothing besides watch Ken Burns documentaries about the American South and crafting charcoal portraits of Abraham Lincoln. He teaches a course on the Civil War this semester, but unfortunately, the administration just decided the class double counts for both a Sector and Foundational Approach. This explains why all of his students could not care less about what he has to say.


How to Stop Shouting 'No! Me Precious Morsels!' Every Time a Nature Valley Bar Crumbles in Your Hands

(04/25/18 4:33pm)

Nature Valley granola bars are delicious, nutritious snacks, making them a classic staple of every busy college student's diet. The only problem with this portable delight? It inevitably disintegrates between your greasy fingers before you even get to the second bar. The next thing you know, you're shrieking in despair in the middle of Locust Walk. Yikes! Here are some quick tips to help you stop shouting "No! Me precious morsels!" like a grubby little troll every time your Oats 'n Honey crumbles in your hands. 


Student Excited to Spend Reading Days Getting Into a Good Book in for a Rude Awakening

(04/24/18 12:04pm)

Susan Andrews (C '21) cannot wait for reading days. After a very long and very difficult semester, she’s really looking forward to spending a couple of days reading a good book. For months, she's been dreaming of curling up in some onesie pajamas, sipping a hot cocoa, and delving into an imaginary world.



Penn Professor Told His Students to 'Pursue Their Dreams' in Apparent Violation of U. Policy

(04/22/18 3:15pm)

The former Undergraduate Chair of the Anthropology Department, James Waters, inspired his students and encouraged them to follow their passions, according to three sources close to students enrolled in Waters' classes. Waters' alleged behavior directly violated University policy, which explicitly states that the encouragement of careers other than finance and consulting are prohibited.




OP-ED: How Bad Would It Be If I Just Didn't Submit Any of These Assignments?

(04/23/18 12:16pm)

It’s 3:27 a.m., that 24 oz. Wawa coffee I shotgunned last night at 7 is starting to wear off, and I’ve been mindlessly scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed for the last 12 minutes tagging my friends in memes like it’s mid-2017. Right now the only phrase I can string together is “fuck me,” but for this Anthropology assignment I’m supposed to combine 4,000 words into coherent ideas based on readings that I’m pretty sure never actually existed. At this point, the only thing I’ve got to ask myself is whether it’d be all that bad to just not submit anything.




Wow! This Cool and Alternative Student Thinks There Are Too Many Starbucks On Campus

(04/23/18 6:25pm)

While many students relish the easy access to caffeine on campus, College sophomore Nick Alms takes an unprecedented stance. “There are too many Starbucks shops on campus,” Alms said boldly. “It came to me in a dream—this thought. While everyone else is out there following the herd, mobile ordering their Caramel Macchiatos, I’ll be out here alone, in search of something better.”



Innovative! College Sophomore Is Constantly Brewing Kombucha in Her Asshole

(04/22/18 3:20pm)

All of us have heard of the alleged health benefits that come with drinking kombucha, and we have all witnessed the spread of the fizzy, multicolored drinks across shelves at every grocery store, from FroGro to Whole Foods. For some, the high price tag keeps them away. For others, the fermentation from a floating piece of mold that looks like a breast implant is enough to prevent them from consuming the drink. However, Simone Williams (C ’20) has cut costs and overcome all of these fears in one fell swoop: for the past three weeks, she has been constantly brewing kombucha in her asshole.


Huntsman Student With Target Language in Russian Now Has to Live in Russia Next Semester

(04/23/18 6:06pm)

Meet Ali Johnson, a freshman from the Upper East Side of Manhattan and a young intellectual in the Huntsman Program in International Studies and Business. For a variety of reasons related to international affairs, Johnson decided that her target language would be Russian.


Who Did Amy G Pay for That Fling Weather?

(04/18/18 10:24am)

I mean, we know the girl’s got a lot of cash, but how much did Amy Gutmann shell out for the gorgeous weather during fling? Like seriously, there’s no way that was natural. Friday and Saturday were sunny with temperatures reaching the 80’s, smack in the middle of disgusting weather the Thursday before and the Sunday after. And since Obama is no longer the president, we know that the government has stopped spending money trying to simulate “global warming” — so this weekend must have been au naturale. That is, unless Amy G pulled some strings and did some persuading (see: money).




Report: 9/10 Students Sitting on College Green Have Ants Crawling Up Their Butts

(04/24/18 11:57am)

East-Coasters everywhere rejoice! While Californians are still complaining about how cold it is outside, Alaskans and pretentious Canadians alike are setting their air conditioners to -60 degrees. Not everybody can be happy with perfect 70 degree weather, apparently. But hey, at least it’s not snowing in the middle of spring!


OP-ED: I Went The Whole Fling Weekend Without Hearing 'Body.' Here's My Story.

(04/17/18 1:56pm)

My Fling was just like yours. I pretended to have more fun at parties than I actually did, got the sickest wristband cuff tan, and wouldn’t have been caught dead at the concert. My primary sources of nutrients were Wishbone tenders soaked in Buffalo Bleu sauce with a crisp Green Apple Four Loko to wash it all down, and Magic Gardens running out of liquor was more tragic than the California droughts.