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'Playboy 2014 Top Party School' Banner Hung From Palestra Rafters in Emotional Ceremony

(09/30/17 7:07am)

In a formal ceremony attended by past and present Penn leaders this Friday, Penn’s 2014 #1 Playboy Party school ranking banner was hoisted to the rafters of the Palestra, where it will remain for all time. Called “the greatest honor bestowed upon our University in three centuries of history” by President Amy Gutmann in a short speech preceding the ceremony, the ranking, from a 2014 edition of the soft pornographic magazine, was immortalized forever in the form of the banner.

Appalling: Community Service Club Tells Freshman He’s Not Good Enough to Help Others

(09/30/17 6:59am)

In recent times, Penn’s club culture has come under intense scrutiny and criticism for its competitive nature. Anyone at school will be able to tell you about unbelievable and downright crazy rejection stories, but none are as disheartening as Paul Green’s (C’ 21).

Inspiring: Freshman Refuses to Eat Until He Can Invest His Dining Dollars in Bitcoin

(09/30/17 7:08am)

Most Penn students are dissatisfied with their dining plan, but Nathan Feldman (M&T’ 21) is concerned with more than just health ratings.  This brave freshman wants to use his dining dollars for a more long-term investment: “There are much better things I could be doing with the money my parents spend on the dining plan,” explained Feldman. “If I can’t get off the dining plan entirely, I should at least be able to use my dining dollars to buy some cryptocurrency.”

BREAKING: Police Shut Down Intense Off-Campus Yu-Gi-Oh Tournament

(09/29/17 10:26pm)

Penn’s recent initiative to minimize off-campus social gatherings has undoubtedly been a ruthless endeavor, as they have shut down events ranging from the lactose-rich Mac & Phis event, to the pity party on 41st and Locust. However, perhaps no group has been hit harder than the participants of this week's Yu-Gi-Oh tournament on 41st and Pine.

This Freshman Took 95 Hours to Study For a Midterm Because He's Still Doing the Readings for Recitation

(09/27/17 3:09pm)

Midterm season is upon us, and Bruce Patterson, C '21, has his first college midterm coming up next week, so he took some time to reflect on the best ways to study. It's a history class, so Bruce made it very clear that doing the required readings for his recitation section seemed very crucial to getting a good grade on the exam. "The professor emphasized over and over again that we had to do the readings our TA assigns for recitation, so I assume that content is going to have a really big weight on the exam," he told us.

Op-Ed: We Need to Normalize Failure but Preferably Not My Failure Right Now

(09/27/17 5:06am)

During my time here at Penn, I have become familiar with a very frustrating phrase, “I would kill for an A.”  Can you imagine, a community so disdainful and scared of failure that we would even joke about killing for a good grade? We are a community of over-achievers who have - by way of our obsessive neuroses, which push us to achieve perfection in every aspect of our lives - developed a fear of failure.  This misguided view of setbacks needs to end. I will be the first to embrace failure, right after I crush my math 114 mid-term on Thursday.

Wow: 80% of University Funds Allocated to Maintenance of Hologram Amy Gutmann

(10/01/17 7:05pm)

2017 was not a good year for Quakers' wallets. For the eighth consecutive year in a row, the University Board of Trustees voted to increase tuition by 3.9%, angering and upsetting many students. Fees for the 2017-2018 academic year now total to $68,610, a sizable increase from last year's $66,000. Julia Rothberg (CAS '18) expressed her disapproval: "Penn is already expensive as is; I just don't understand why new excuses come up every year for such ridiculously steep increases. My family is already struggling to pay off my brother's loans, and he graduated five years ago. Where is this money even going?"