VIDEO: Making Drinks With a University-Approved Bartender
(10/11/17 2:37pm)
We collaborated with a University-approved bartender to showcase a number of classic drinks and some seasonal ones, too. Bottoms up!
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Dastardly Professor Moves Midterm to After Drop Deadline to Fuck Students Over
(10/11/17 3:59am)
Professor Robert McElroy is nothing short of a genius. This venerated giant of Penn's Math Department graduated from high school at the age of 14, earned his PhD by age 20, and has spent the last 50 or so years coming up with brand new ways to make his students' lives a living hell.
Professor McDaniel's New Class on Nothingness Will Never Meet
(10/11/17 5:42am)
Religious Studies Professor Justin McDaniel is no stranger to unorthodox classes. Students know him best for Living Deliberately: Monks, Saints, and the Contemplative Life, a course where students must adopt the practices of monks for a month, as well as for the more recent Existential Despair, a class that meets every Tuesday for seven hours and gives no assignments outside of this time.
Missed Connections: October 4-11
(10/11/17 4:47am)
Blue Eyes, Beautiful Boy
Modern Day Al Capone Steals Bread from Dining Hall
(10/11/17 5:05am)
When Stanley “Slick” Sullivan (W’21) walks through the aisles of 1920 Commons, a cloud of fear descends upon the hall. In just two short months, tales of this freshman’s infamy have spread far and wide. Ask Slick’s cronies about his exploits, and you’ll be lucky to receive anything more than a thin lipped sneer and a gravelly warning against “people sticking their noses where they got no business.”
Wharton Professors Actually Warby Parker Marketing Associates
(10/10/17 4:23pm)
It's a tale as old as time: you're sitting in a nondescript Wharton class, thinking about ways you can tear your classmates down and destroy their futures, when the professor pulls out the classic: “Warby Parker is a great example of this...”. You snap out of your daydream, give a little eye roll to your friend, and make one addition to the vast amount of knowledge you have about this goddamn company.
Sweet Deal: You Can Now Bursar Cartier Love Bracelets at the Penn Bookstore!
(10/11/17 9:41pm)
Great news for Penn students who felt that tuition just wasn't enough!
BREAKING: Sophomore “Literally Failed” Her Mid-term
(10/11/17 4:36am)
At 4:55pm yesterday, October 10, 2017, Under the Button was made aware that Sarah Weinstein “literally failed” her Intro to Biology mid-term.
Crime Log: October 4-10
(10/10/17 7:59am)
Vandalism
Pathetic: Tom's Reputation in Shambles After He Drops from 6.5 to 5.5 Credits
(10/10/17 9:21am)
Tom Anderson (C '19, N '19, E '19) used to have it all. He was happily pursuing his fabulously uncoordinated triple-degree program, and was looking forward to a moderately unrelated career in consulting. But today, that all changed.
Sophomore Busted For Possession After Making Venmo Caption: "Drugs"
(10/10/17 5:15am)
Eric Shuster (C '20) was standing at the corner of 39th and Walnut, waiting to receive a small Ziploc bag filled with drugs, when he realized that he was in a predicament. While he made his simple, secure, and practically fun exchange of mobile currency for narcotics, Shuster wondered: what would he make his Venmo caption?
Intro Biology Class Plunges Into Chaos After Professor Drops Course
(10/10/17 3:41am)
The drop period ended at midnight on Monday, and one class member’s last-minute departure has hit an introductory biology lecture particularly hard. The course’s professor, Dr. David Abelson, decided to drop, explaining that the class “failed to match his interests” and “was stupid.” However, the sudden move left a power vacuum that has yet to be securely filled.
OP-ED: Penn Must Divest From the Fossil Watch Industry
(10/10/17 3:53am)
Penn, it’s time for a wake up call. The University Board of Trustees voted today to not divest from the Fossil watch industry. This means your tuition dollars continue to support the proliferation of gaudy, passé timepieces.
PET AD: Looking to Rehouse My Weasel of a Roommate
(10/09/17 7:52am)
5’4”. Brown Hair. Red Blood. Semi-house trained (pees on toilet seat). Cannot feed herself. Can only eat other people’s food, even when it's labeled.
BREAKING: Off-Campus Beer Pong Matches Now Require Professional Referees
(10/09/17 7:18am)
Despite Penn Police having consistently enforced the task force's new set of guidelines, the university has just announced yet another regulation restricting off-campus events.
Engineering Student Already Has “Way More Work than You”
(10/11/17 3:59am)
Midterm season has finally arrived, and this means that students are beginning to spend long nights studying, reviewing, and hopefully acing their exams. For some students, however, their extensive workload makes academic success a difficult endeavor.
This Guy Waited Until Senior Year to Take Writing Sem So He Could Hook up With a Freshman
(10/09/17 7:39am)
It isn’t uncommon to find an upperclassman or two who put off taking Writing Sem until the last minute, but Will Goldman (C '18) stands out from the crowd.
Australian Student Flies Home for Fall Break to Spend 30 Minutes With Family
(10/08/17 4:50pm)
Sam Wong (E ’19) knows the importance of family. It shouldn’t surprise you, then, that this loving older brother visits home whenever he gets the chance.
BREAKING: Mouse Spotted in West Philadelphia
(10/08/17 7:54pm)
An unidentified mouse entered a property at 40th and Pine early Sunday afternoon, said a representative for the Division of Public Safety in an email.
New Capogyro Cart Transforms Penn Food Truck Game
(10/09/17 7:23am)
In the diverse and highly competitive world of Penn food trucks, it’s becoming harder and harder to differentiate from the pack. But one wayward but intrepid businessman is looking to break the mold and revolutionize dining in University City. Just a week after leaving its old location on Walnut Street, the former Capogiro is making its triumphant, completely reimagined return as a Gelato-Halal fusion food cart.