Note: This list is not exhaustive and doesn’t include all types, but every bouncer is probably some combination of these.
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Ah, fall. While the chillier temperatures and the sight of leaves changing color are certainly welcome, autumn is a bittersweet time for many Quakers. Many might find themselves feeling burnt out after an endless barrage of midterms. Many are dogged by the ruthless, all-consuming job search. Most have found themselves weeping gentle, resigned tears in a Van Pelt bathroom or two. And all have most likely asked themselves, pondering the ever-changing seasons and their helpless entrapment in the cyclical, incessant whirlpool of time: what am I doing here?
Buttholes everywhere rejoice.
According to his Facebook profile, Harrison Kelly will be graduating from The Wharton School in 2018, and is studying —sorry, concentrating in— both Accounting and Finance. Looking through his photos, Kelly appears to love wearing pastels and walking East of 36th Street. He seems happy, but he's hiding a dark secret. It's, like, October 14th, and Kelly doesn't have a full-time banking job lined up already.
In a unanimous decision, an impartial committee has decided that, in light of all relevant evidence, the parents of Carlos Romero (C ’19) were almost certainly cooler than him when they were in college.
Thank God! Penn's premiere a cappella group "Pitch, Please!" just released teaser photos for their new album "Shine: A Cappella Gold." This photoshoot seems necessary!
When Alley Brockwell (C '21) was on her 400th mock schedule, it was her freshman advisor who calmed her down. Brockwell, a potential Biology major and premed student, told UTB that after her first meeting with her advisor, she walked out of the office reassured and confident in the classes she chose. “My advisor told me that I definitely wouldn’t have any issues if I took all the classes I wanted to at the same time: CHEM 101, PHYS 151, CIS 160, and even BIOL 251!”
-Hey, can I use your bathroom?
As some of you may have heard, I was recently asked by Penn to head the Biden Center for Diplomacy and Global Engagement. That's right, the Biden Center. As I understand that many of you frequent this shitstain of a satire website, I decided to submit a letter to the editor to disseminate to you a very simple idea. I will say this once and only once:
Last night, Engineering sophomore Sydney Essex was seen vomiting violently on the corner of 40th and Spruce streets. The silver lining? “She’s totally OK,” explained Engineering sophomore Rishika Sharma, who had previously been helping Essex throw up into a planter outside of Copabanana. Sharma told the crowd of bystanders that this was “honestly no big deal,” as Essex continued to projectile vomit. “One too many double margaritas, you know?”
Inspirational! Student Drops by Office Hours to Motivate His Classmates by Telling Them How Well He is Doing
The first midterm season is just about concluding, and students all over campus are stressing out about test results. For many strugglers, this entails extra studying and plenty of visits to office hours. However, there's often one outlier at these office hours: Engineering sophomore Arjit Hemad. Though he scored at least two standard deviations above the mean on all of the exams he took this year, he still shows up to all of his office hours just to rub it into his classmates' faces!
Holy shit guy, its been way too long! What has it been – two, three? What the fuck is up?
I lay on Barceloneta Beach on a cloudless day, the sun shining on my face and a gentle wind blowing across the Spanish (or perhaps Catalonian) sand. As the waves came in, I found myself drifting from Barcelona to Philadelphia, thinking of my friends back home. I had already made my way through my first bottle of wine and was reaching for my second bottle when I was hit with a profound sense of FOMO like none I had ever experienced. My mind flooded with confusion and despair like an existential thirteenth floor of Rodin.
So, you missed the On-Campus Recruiting boat. "It's no big deal," you surely told yourself, "I'll just find a job the old-fashioned way." But then, your OCR friends started getting job offers. And taking them. Now, their summer plans are taken care of; meanwhile, you're losing sleep contemplating what you'll say to Aunt Lisa when she asks you about your career prospects over Thanksgiving turducken. Great.
Just yesterday, Penn’s newly-instated task force took responsibility for ordering Penn Police to shut down the popular campus hub. “Unregistered baristas, no shot limit? You had to have seen it coming” said Joel Fohman, chief officer of Penn Police. “Caffeine is a drug, ladies and gentlemen. Let’s not forget that.”
In one Wharton class, groups of students were tasked with creating Buzzfeed quizzes that would resonate with some target audience. Students used strategies they learned in this “Advertising Management” class to design their quiz, and some of them went viral on Buzzfeed, which was cool. Some of the other ones really sucked.
I am so tired of all these out-of-state students acting like they know what Wawa is. They don’t know what Wawa is. They call it their favorite convenience store. I’m sorry, but I’ve been going to Wawa for 18 years. You’ve just started shopping there. How can it be your favorite?
Recently, students have been highly critical of the University’s decisions on all sorts of policies governing student life. Continuing on this trend of ineptitude, it looks like the administration still can’t catch a break this week. Sadly, Penn Facilities & Real Estate Services has hiked up Amy Gutmann’s rent so much that she can’t afford to live on campus anymore. It looks like it’s a bad day to be President of the University of Pennsylvania!
In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, sometimes it's easy to forget that the University of Pennsylvania is a motherfucking Ivy League institution, which means the students here are awesome. We interviewed three current undergraduates at Penn who are changing the world with their work:
Last week, President Gutmann announced the completion of PennMoon, a new Wharton satellite campus in the lunar crater Clavius. The facility offers a number of state-of-the-art moneymaking facilities for Wharton students, such as a Vertical Integration Lab and computers that only run Excel and LinkedIn.