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Study: Students Can Triple Their Amount of Sleep by Sleeping Instead of Complaining About Lack of Sleep

(10/17/17 9:05am)

A recent study conducted by Penn’s Psychology Department has revealed some major news for the undergraduate population! The average student, according to head researcher Ana Mikovitz, “sleeps for just 3 hours a night and whines for 6 hours a day about how tired they are.”



Kid Beats the System; Drinks Alone in His Room

(10/17/17 9:18am)

It’s been tough-going for the party scene at Penn recently. Due to the newly energized and well-funded task force dedicated to “preventing sexual assault,” our reputation as Playboy’s 2014 Top Party School has been getting tarnished all over the place. Not only are super hip, cool gaming sessions being shut down by the Penn Police, but less exciting frat parties are also being regulated and shut down left and right! Even Halloweekend is in danger of ruin due to the administration’s scheduling of October 31st on a Tuesday. The brightest thinkers at this great university have been struggling to find a way around these new constraints.




Roommate Too Busy to Wash Dishes but Still Has Time to Fuck That Guy 2.5 Times a Day

(10/17/17 9:10am)

According to her roommate, Taylor Otto (C '20), Rachel Greenfield (E '20) is seriously the worst. Taylor had totally thought they were going to be best friends after spending 80 minutes together during NSO, but boy was she wrong. Rachel doesn't really take out the trash that often. Taylor is pretty sure that Rachel hasn't filled up the Brita filter once this semester. Some weekends Rachel does this thing where she comes home drunk and pukes in the sink, even though the toilet is right there! Worst of all? Rachel never does her dishes.



Ouch: This Freshman Stepped on the Compass and Then a Grand Piano Fell on Him

(10/16/17 7:08am)

At this point, most freshmen have taken their first midterm. Not Benji Zucker, College freshman from Tallahassee, FL. Zucker, whose class schedule is far easier than most of his classmates, has blithely floated through college life by turning in the occasional reading response and pretending to do his reading. Then, he stepped on the Compass.


Hill Room 507 Named in Honor of Stingy Donor

(10/16/17 3:31am)

All Tim Peterson (C '85) wanted was to be memorialized in Penn history. He held Jon Huntsman, David Rittenhouse, and Ron Perelman in great esteem, and wanted to join them as a part of Penn’s campus. An alum of the University and a successful businessman, Peterson had exhausted all but one item on his bucket list: to have a building at his alma mater named after him.


Wharton Genius Buys Every Basketball Jersey in Philly for Halloween

(10/15/17 5:56pm)

With Halloweekend just a few weeks away, Penn students are scrambling to bring together unremarkable “zombie,” “sexy librarian,” and “college student” costumes. But this time around, one Wharton junior is thinking outside the box. After seeing some of the other business ventures his fellow Whartonites were pursuing, Marcus Samuelson (W’19) identified yet another opportunity for arbitrage.





Report: Penn Student Walking Down Locust in Yale Sweatshirt Either Really Smart or Really, Really Stupid

(10/15/17 2:12pm)

PHILADELPHIA – Spotting what appeared to be an anonymous Penn classmate on Locust Walk donning a navy blue sweatshirt with the unmistakable "YALE"  lettering emblazoned across the front, some Penn students have concluded that the student’s choice of sweatshirt indicates that he is either very smart or very, very stupid.