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Female Students' Email Chain Contains Record High Numbers of "Thank You"s and "Sorry"s

(10/25/17 8:18am)

It was discovered that a recent email chain between two female students contains the phrases "thank you" and "sorry" a startlingly large number of times.  Each perpetrator used "thank you," "thanks," or some other variation of the expression no less than 20 times throughout the entire email chain.  The same is true of the phrase "sorry."


Junior English Major Tutoring Philly Middle Schooler Has No Idea What Basic Grammar Terms Mean

(10/25/17 3:58pm)

Cole Medan, an English major with a concentration in Creative Writing (C '19), thought teaching would be perfect for him. He imagined himself becoming a John Keating of sorts, prompting his students to stand on desks and vandalize books in his honor. At the very least, he sought to impress the middle schoolers with his ability to ruthlessly cut all "to be" verbs from any sentence and make a really flowery introduction. 


Wow, Celebrities Came to Penn! Here’s Where They Pooped

(10/25/17 7:40am)

It’s always a treat to have celebrities visit — or even better, attend — our very attractive and popular institution. Every time a Penn alum is in the news, it's cause to lose your fucking shit. And because we were so interested in where celebrities lived, here's the logical follow-up, spilling the beans on where these celebrities pooped on campus.






How Millennials Are Killing the Flu Industry

(10/24/17 1:16pm)

You heard it here first: Millennials are killing the flu industry. A recent study by the University of Pennsylvania Center for Medical Research found that significantly fewer millennials are getting the flu than previous generations. While the Baby Boomers beat Generation X in flu diagnoses by a fairly large margin, this difference was blown away by the new numbers emerging from longitudinal studies at Penn. The results have revealed a decrease in flu diagnoses between Generation X and millennials of a magnitude never before seen.


Incredible: Penn Econ Major Has Learned More About New York Prep School Politics than Econ

(10/24/17 1:22pm)

Wow. It is becoming increasingly clear to his teachers and classmates that College junior and Economics major Ben G. of Shaker Heights, Ohio, who has finished nine of the 12 credits required for his economics major, has learned far more about the intricacies of New York City-area prep school society politics than economic theory during his time at Penn.










OP-ED: The Ability to Have Guac at Penn

(10/22/17 5:00pm)

It’s 5:00 pm after my three hour chemistry lab. In years past, this was the best time of the evening. I would run over from the Chem building to Frontera, get in line, and ask for my favorite—fully dressed guacamole and chips. This is my one release. It’s my 30 minutes of pretending I don't have any homework to do afterwards or meetings to attend later that night. It’s my 30 minutes when my best friends and I can get together before we head to Van Pelt and study the night away. Ask any alumnus what their favorite Penn food is: 9 out of 10 will not say something from Chipotle, but rather Frontera’s guac.