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50-Year-Old Man Uses Penn Crushes to Catfish Freshman

(10/28/17 3:32am)

College freshman Julia Gibson is super single. Like, she dumped her high school boyfriend of 2 years over the summer so she could wouldn't be tied down in college, and she's not sad about it at all. She also thinks she might be almost on the way to talking to this one guy, but she's not sure yet. So when she was tagged in a Penn Crushes post last night, she was thrilled.

Professor Absolutely Shocked There’s Only 5 Minutes of Class Left

(10/27/17 4:38am)

After spending almost two-thirds of a highly complex lecture on quantum mechanics discussing his recent weekend trip to Jersey, physics professor Dr. Leo Mandwell looked at the clock and was absolutely astonished that there were only 5 minutes left. “I guess time flies when you’re having fun identifying angular nodes!” he said, completely unaware that he had only covered two slides the entire class.

Mandela Effect: Student Never Remembers Learning This in Class

(10/26/17 4:59pm)

Over the past few years, a phenomenon has permeated the internet: the “Mandela Effect,” which is the misremembering of certain facts or events. The theory gets its name from the widespread misunderstanding that Nelson Mandela died in jail in the ‘80s, when in reality, he died of natural causes in 2013. There are many examples of the Mandela Effect, but the most prominent instance of it is occurring right now at Penn, as students studying for midterms believe that there is “no way” they learned this material in class.

Close Call! Heist Thwarted by Third Layer of Protection on Quad Bathroom Doors

(10/26/17 9:13pm)

Quad residents all over can let out a huge sigh of relief after hearing this news! Disaster was averted today when three robbers fell short of their goal to break into the Quad. After the trio hacked into the PennCard System, added a malicious access code, and manufactured a counterfeit magnetic stripe that feigned that of the PennCard, it was only a matter of making it past the second round of security to get into the freshman houses. This was child’s play: the robbers were able to enter the maintenance tunnels using a ladder. Then, using a small pickaxe between the vacant hours of 3AM to 5AM every day for the past month, they were able to bore a hole through the foundations of the tunnel that landed them right on the first floor of Coxe. However, this is where the crooks ran into an unprecedented obstacle: the Riepe third floor Bishop White bathroom was locked.

7 Sexy Halloween Costumes That Will Make Him Say "Aren't You Cold?"

(10/26/17 4:17pm)

Halloweekend is just around the corner, and if you want to get into any party worth going to, you're going to need a costume. But any old ensemble won't do; you have to show a little skin to turn heads! Here are 7 sexy Halloween costumes that'll have your man googling "signs and symptoms of pneumonia" before you can even shout "trick or treat!"