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WARNING: Locust Walk Traffic Now 90% Dance Troupe

(11/01/17 1:04pm)

ALERT: As of Tuesday, the foot traffic on Locust Walk is now 90% dance troupe advertising for upcoming shows. The situation is dangerous, and is quickly reducing the practicality of using the pathway for anything other than an impromptu stage to advertise dance events. Pedestrians are advised to plan alternative routes and avoid boomboxes, pep, and punny names at all costs.

Applicant Numbers Plummet After Woman Posts Negative Review on Penn Facebook Page

(11/01/17 1:08pm)

Looking to surpass last year's record high number of applicants, Penn Admissions pulled out all the stops in marketing Penn to wealthy accomplished students this year. But preliminary Early Decision numbers indicate that their efforts were thwarted by an unexpected opponent: Kathy Lee, 68, from Park Rock, Georgia, who left a negative Facebook review on the University’s page.

Freshman Confused That Halloween Hasn’t Happened Yet

(10/31/17 7:02am)

It was quite a weekend. After several nights out with the whole squad and Samantha’s boyfriend, Wharton freshman Hannah Scofield was hungover, exhausted, and thoroughly Hallow-ed out. So upon waking up this morning to several posts on Facebook about Halloween, she was pretty annoyed. It has been two days since Halloweekend, she figured people should stop posting about it.

How to Avoid Meaningful Friendships by Posing as an Exchange Student—And Get Away With It

(10/29/17 3:35pm)

It's happened to us all: you're sitting in class, simply trying to enrich your mind and prepare for your upcoming exams, when a classmate engages you in stimulating, thoughtful conversation. This fucking blows. You've got the social capacity to chat about the weather, the syllabus, or maybe even the meme page. But stuff like thoughts, feelings, opinions, and desires? That's more than you signed up for.