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Report: 90% of Premeds Would Definitely Eat Their Best Friends if Trapped on a Deserted Island

(05/07/18 2:12pm)

Many students hoping to pursue a career in medicine, surgery, and health cite altruistic reasons as their motives for choosing the rigorous premed track. Again and again, these students say they "want to make a difference in the world", "help others", and "buy [their] girlfriends a new Bugatti." 






OP-ED: Mom Help - They're Peer Pressuring Me! I Need You to Pick Me Up From Smokes!

(05/12/18 6:08am)

Mom, you promised that if I ever felt uncomfortable at a party that you would pick me up. I know you’re in Michigan at the moment, but I need to be out of here in 15 minutes. The kids are all drinking and grinding on each other, and I’m pretty sure that there are swear words in the music. You were right, Cindy’s mom Susan was smart to only let us play the clean version of songs at our lights-on parties: this environment is vulgar.


Report: Girl Sitting on Toilet in VP Basement for Past 12 Hours, Waiting for Everybody to Leave So She Can Take a Peaceful Shit

(04/27/18 7:52am)

Like many other students, Victoria Lyons (C ‘20) has a very religious finals week routine: she wakes up, buys six iced coffees, spends 17 hours at a desk in the Van Pelt library basement, and then passes out on the nearest couch, only to do the same exact thing the next day.






Junior Rejected From Summer Internships Goes Back to Starting Fake Companies Again

(05/09/18 3:04pm)

Junior Paul Maloney (C ‘19) did whatever he could to get into the Ivy League. He knew admissions were competitive, and simply having good grades and a high SAT score wouldn’t automatically grant him admission. While browsing through PrepScholar, he read a guide that claimed it would guarantee admission into some of the top schools in the US. Intrigued, Maloney read it and followed every step.




History Major Unsure When World War I Started, Steers Conversation Towards Attitudes Around Women's Sexuality and Agency in Rural Arkansas in 1954

(04/27/18 7:54am)

Cold calling is the worst. Deborah Tanner (C '19) was caught off guard earlier this semester when her professor, hoping to throw a history major a softball question, asked her what year World War I started in their seminar class. 


Yikes! Classics Major Tries to Get Laid by Quoting Virgil

(04/25/18 4:34pm)

In this day and age, it can be hard to find your footing when trying to convince someone to sleep with you in your twin XL bed, all based on the vague allure of an unsatisfying or faked orgasm. However, this didn’t stop James Fulton (C ’20) from trying an alternative method to lure a girl into his unsanitary dorm room.