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10 Senior Superlatives That Didn't Get Published This Year

(11/07/17 2:15pm)

Last week, 34th Street released the senior superlative recipients for the Class of 2018. Many of them were quite unique. Among our favorites were “Most Likely to Quit Their Office Job and Become a Farmer” and “Most Likely to Write an Inflammatory Facebook Post.” However, not all of the interesting ones made the cut. We’re here to show you what you missed.

"This Classroom Always Smells Weird," Says Guy Who Just Audibly Farted in Lecture

(11/07/17 2:08pm)

Philadelphia, PA — A mere 46 seconds after audibly farting in a quiet lecture, Daniel Crawford (E '19) shifted uncomfortably in his seat, rearranged the items on his desk, and remarked in a booming whisper to the student next to him, "Man, this classroom always smells weird." As the stench of his unsettlingly loud flatulence hung in the air all around him and dispersed into adjacent rows of the lecture hall, Crawford repeatedly coughed and kicked the rubber sole of his shoe against the seat in front of him, hoping desperately to recreate the distinct sound of his fart and persuade his classmates that it was actually his shoe all along. "I don't know what it is," he whispered again to his seatmate, "maybe it's coming from outside? The windows are usually open in here." Tortured by the realization that the odor hadn't dissipated by the end of class, Crawford remarked "Seriously, it's so gross," shaking his head in unconvincing disappointment as he left the noxious greenhouse that the auditorium had become. Sources at the scene confirmed Crawford's allegation that "it's like this every week," but pointed to Crawford himself and his food truck burrito lunch as the probable cause of the issue. Crawford could not be reached for comment, as he had sprinted directly to the bathroom upon exiting the class.

Sad! This Club's "Potluck Dinner" Really Just a Hodge Podge of Chip Varieties From FroGro

(11/05/17 2:20pm)

When College junior Terrence Colton decided to spice up his club's monthly GBM by switching it to a potluck dinner instead, he had big plans for how it would turn out. "It's gonna be so great," he said. "Instead of just a boring PowerPoint slideshow, everyone's gonna bring their own dish, and we'll have a delightful meal of home-cooked goods!"

​Oops! Student Accidentally Wears "Puck Penn" Shirt to Homecoming Game

(11/05/17 4:39pm)

On Saturday, Penn’s football team played one of its biggest games of the year against Princeton. The intense Penn-Princeton rivalry has sparked not only intense feelings from both sides, but also rivalry-specific apparel, too – the most iconic of which is the “Puck Frinceton” t-shirt.

​Freshman Promised Either Vibrant Social Life or Stellar Grades Has Neither

(11/04/17 4:21pm)

To newcomers, Penn seems like a lively community with so much to offer. However, beyond the cheery pamphlets and welcoming smiles of tour guides, Penn harbors a complex web of decisions that all students struggle to navigate. With students juggling so many different activities, it’s almost impossible to have it all. In fact, it’s very possible to have none of it.

Plot Twist: Wharton Senior Skips Super Day To Attend Class

(11/04/17 7:22pm)

Martin O’Malley (W ’18) was offered an all-inclusive trip to New York City to interview with four managing directors at J.K Morgan. The firm graciously offered to pay for O’Malley’s transportation (hello Amtrak, peace out Megabus) and a night at the cheapest hotel next to the corporate headquarters. How could anyone say no?