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OP-ED: My Name Is Brad And It Hurts When People Say That "Men Are Trash" Because Trash Is Bad and I'm Not Bad, I'm Cool and Nice

Hi, there. I'm Brad. 

VIDEO: The Toothpaster

​Girl Keeps Dollar Sign Nose Piercing in for Interview, Gets Goldman Position

Interviewers aren’t known to be big fans of facial piercings. That’s why when Winne Rose Cohen decided to keep hers in for her Goldman Sachs interview, people thought she was setting herself up for failure. “I’m not going to lie,” her friend Maria Biesecker tells UTB, “I told her to keep it in. I really wanted that position. I didn’t know my backstabbing would backfire on me.”

Student Who Spent 3 Hours Getting Resume to Fit One More Line Claims to Not Have Time to Do Anything Political on Campus

Sources confirm that College Junior Gideon M. (W ‘19), who claims that he does not have time to do anything political on campus, spent the entirety of Tuesday evening trying to fit one more line onto his resume.

New Study Finds That Students Who Put Up Virtual Fireplaces in GSRs are Less Productive

Have you ever stress-walked through Huntsman Ground floor, looking for an empty GSR to cram for that Intro to Astrology exam you thought you'd get an easy A on, but turns out it's actually kinda hard, and passed rows of virtual fireplaces on the TV screens in each room? Did you think "Wow, who are these bozos taking up perfectly good GSRs just to sit around and pretend to fucking roast marshmallows around a goddamn fake fire?"

"Brunch Is An Occasional Treat," Says Dude Who Gets it Twice Per Weekend

Connor Adler (C ’19) tries hard to be frugal with his spending. When it comes to going out for costly brunches with his friends, he makes sure to monitor his consumption.

Lucy’s Definitive Spirit Animal Is a Giraffe but Not Because of Her Long Ass Neck

While sitting at a table in the basement of Van Pelt on Monday afternoon, Madison Cooper came to a realization that felt so right, it was as if, deep down, she had known it her whole life.

Amazing: This Senior Is Taking Eight Advanced CIS Courses AND Has a 0.4 GPA

Four classes is a nice course load. Many Penn students take five in a semester. Some real overachievers take six. But Engineering senior Ken Hooper has taken on EIGHT classes this fall -- and somehow still has a GPA of 0.4.

Genius: Freshman Puts out of Order Sign on Shower So No One Else Will Use It

Freshman Brian Harrison (W ‘21) was more than excited to come to Penn. He couldn’t wait to start his new college life, and meet all the other extraordinary people in the strongest class Penn has ever seen.

Senior Quits All Extracurriculars So He Can Finally Have Control of His Facebook Profile

College senior Joseph Peralta did the unthinkable. “I quit every single club I’m involved in. My tech incubator, my consulting club, all six of my A Cappella groups. Every. Single. One.”

Penn Football’s Hopes for 41/42 of Ivy League Trophy Dashed After Yale Victory

It’s a hard day to be a Quaker. As a school that lives and breathes football, Penn was heartbroken this past weekend when a Yale victory kicked the Quakers out of the running for a cumulative 41/42 of the Ivy League trophy.

Loophole Alert! Student Uses Walkie Talkie to Cheat on Exam

A recent report from the Penn Administration notified students of a revision to the University’s Code of Academic Integrity following an incident that occurred during a GEOL100 midterm. An unnamed student pulled out a walkie talkie during the exam to ask his friend questions from the test. His friend, who took GEOL100 last semester because he actually "likes rocks", was reportedly sitting in their shared apartment flipping through his own notes.

Meal Swipe/Dining Dollar Exchange Rate Plummets to All Time Low, NASDAQ in Free Fall

Panic reigned supreme on the floors of the New York Stock Exchange when Penn reported that the exchange rate between Meal Swipes and Dining Dollars (MSDD) would be fixed at a historically low $4.87 for Q3 2017.

Penn Offers ‘Intro to Astrology’ to Fulfill Physical World Sector

As part of the University’s ongoing commitment to improving its curriculum, the College of Arts and Sciences is testing the waters with a new course titled “Intro to Astrology” (ASTR365).

Student With 'So Much Work' Spends One Hour Sitting on Bed Wearing Towel

Michael Robertson (E ’20) has a lot of homework and several midterms this week. 

Freshman Loses Not Just Phone But Entire Life Thanks to Phone Wallet

What Evan Parlucci (C ’21) initially thought was a trendy, convenient addition to his iPhone ultimately resulted in his rapid demise.

Student Baffled That Joke About Louis C.K. Didn't Go Over Well in Class

Who would have thought? When one student cracked a joke about Louis C.K. in class, he was shocked to see that not everyone liked it.

Oh God Please No: Penn Announces Plans to Extend Locust Walk Wind Tunnel from 34th to 41st

Sweet Jesus. It seems that in Penn’s construction boom, including the New College House, they have decided to to extend the notorious Locust Walk Wind Tunnel that currently exists from the 38th Street Bridge to 40th Street by six blocks.

Report: Girl With 64oz Water Bottle Averages 3.2 Bathroom Breaks per Class

The numbers are in. 

Unsurprising: Sophomore Does Advance Registration Extra Early, Still Gets Screwed Over

On the last day of every advance registration period, thousands of students flock to PennInTouch to make key last-minute changes to their schedules—or at least they try. Because of PennInTouch’s limited functionality, only a handful of people can ever be satisfied.