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​Girl Keeps Dollar Sign Nose Piercing in for Interview, Gets Goldman Position

(11/15/17 7:07pm)

Interviewers aren’t known to be big fans of facial piercings. That’s why when Winne Rose Cohen decided to keep hers in for her Goldman Sachs interview, people thought she was setting herself up for failure. “I’m not going to lie,” her friend Maria Biesecker tells UTB, “I told her to keep it in. I really wanted that position. I didn’t know my backstabbing would backfire on me.”

New Study Finds That Students Who Put Up Virtual Fireplaces in GSRs are Less Productive

(11/15/17 6:51pm)

Have you ever stress-walked through Huntsman Ground floor, looking for an empty GSR to cram for that Intro to Astrology exam you thought you'd get an easy A on, but turns out it's actually kinda hard, and passed rows of virtual fireplaces on the TV screens in each room? Did you think "Wow, who are these bozos taking up perfectly good GSRs just to sit around and pretend to fucking roast marshmallows around a goddamn fake fire?"

Loophole Alert! Student Uses Walkie Talkie to Cheat on Exam

(11/14/17 5:23am)

A recent report from the Penn Administration notified students of a revision to the University’s Code of Academic Integrity following an incident that occurred during a GEOL100 midterm. An unnamed student pulled out a walkie talkie during the exam to ask his friend questions from the test. His friend, who took GEOL100 last semester because he actually "likes rocks", was reportedly sitting in their shared apartment flipping through his own notes.

Unsurprising: Sophomore Does Advance Registration Extra Early, Still Gets Screwed Over

(11/12/17 8:16pm)

On the last day of every advance registration period, thousands of students flock to PennInTouch to make key last-minute changes to their schedules—or at least they try. Because of PennInTouch’s limited functionality, only a handful of people can ever be satisfied.

Uh Oh: Penn Constructing Buildings Faster Than Perelman Family Can Reproduce

(11/12/17 5:45pm)

You know what they say: stand anywhere on Penn’s campus, throw a rock, and odds are you’ll have dented a sign that says Perelman on it. Members of the Perelman family have given millions to Penn, and in return their names decorate everything from the Ruth and Raymond Perelman Center for Advanced Medicine, to the Perelman Quadrangle, to the Ronald O. Perelman Center for Political Science and Economics, to the Biff Perelman Center for Gastronomic Amelioration (formerly known as the drab green Penn Park outhouse).