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SHS Unveils New LaTeX Contraceptive For SEAS Students

(11/19/17 9:19pm)

In the face of turbulent healthcare laws, universities across America are making tough choices when it comes to birth control coverage. Faced with an ever tightening budget, Student Health Services must be more creative to ensure that Penn students can practice safe sex. Luckily, advances in modern science and text formatting are making it easier than ever to help students avoid having to make hard decisions. Never again will a specious allergy allow someone to weasel their way out of safe sexual practices.

Venmo to Replace “Remind” Button With “pay me back for the fucking Franzia, Daniel, it’s been two weeks”

(11/18/17 3:38pm)

We're all somewhat familiar with the "Remind" feature on Venmo: maybe you attended a BYO with a near-acquaintance and don't know them well enough to ask for your $1.37 back, or your roommate still hasn't paid you back for toilet paper and you're just too much of a wuss to confront them in person. But it's become clear that the "Remind" button is moderately effective at best. It pops up on your phone screen one time only, very faintly "reminding" you to settle your debts.

Student 'Loves Penn's Urban Setting,' Has Not Left Campus in Two Months

(11/17/17 5:32pm)

Penn’s campus—beautiful, compact, and in the nation’s fifth-largest city—offers students an urban setting combined with a campus feel. In the heart of West Philadelphia, students have the unique opportunity of interacting with a diverse population of over one million. Together they share ideas, promote causes, and discover new interests. One senior says that this combination was a major reason she came to Penn. “I love the duality of an urban setting and an Ivy League Campus,” said Sara Knoell (C ‘18). "I try to explore it once every few years."

OP-ED: Joe Biden Is Obsessed With Me

(11/17/17 5:18pm)

Joe Biden. To many, he is one of the most inspirational progressives of our time. He was the 47th vice president of the United States, and with President Obama led the country on a fight for an America that worked for all her citizens. He has devoted his life to public service, championing causes like health care reform, gun regulation, and women’s rights. I agree that he's amazing, which is why I just think it's funny that he is OBSESSED WITH ME.

Fraternity Brother Brings Cousin to Date Night

(11/16/17 5:00pm)

Date night season is upon us. College sophomore and brother of fraternity Chi Delt (XD) Dylan Hoffman is one of many students to feel the pressure of finding the perfect person to bring. “I asked this girl in my Social Psychology recitation, but she said she was busy that night,” said Hoffman. “Weird thing is I never even told her which night it was.”

Global Warming Fanatics: How Do You Like Me Now?

(11/16/17 7:49pm)

Hey science-nerds, I bet you’ve been dreading hearing from me ever since it got cold out. Because now that the frigid weather is here, your little “theories” and “calculations” are being blown away by the cold wind. You people were so caught up in your ideas that the world is getting hotter, and now you walk outside and it’s cold out! You must feel so stupid! I’ll bet you gave away all your winter coats because you never thought you’d be needing those again, but turn on the weather channel, dorks. Pull up your weather app or maybe even step outside for a *hot* sec, four-eyes. It’s freaking cold out.

Student Skips Meeting for Extra Hour to Procrastinate on Homework

(11/16/17 5:20pm)

Max Krewall (SEAS ’19) reportedly was seen around campus telling friends he was “absolutely screwed” for his big CIS121 assignment due tomorrow. There was no way he would ever be able to finish in time; something had to be sacrificed. After thinking long and hard, Max made the torturous decision to not go to his hour long meeting. “I have to get this homework done,” he insisted to literally anyone he talked to, whether they had asked or not.