Clogs Now Required to Enter the Kelly Writers House
(05/05/18 7:28am)
Listen up! There's a new rule in town: clogs are now required to enter the Kelly Writers House.
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'This is the Hardest Week, and Then I’m Done,' Says Junior Every Week Since February
(04/30/18 3:58am)
Junior Ben Collins (C ‘19) has two notable qualities: he’s an optimist, and he’s a procrastinator. Whenever schoolwork gets tough, he keeps his head up. “You’ve gotta have some dark times to appreciate the good ones,” he always thinks to himself. During every difficult, stressful week he has, Collins thinks of the bright future ahead.
Entrepreneurial Win: This Wharton Student Books GSRs to Auction Off to Measly College Students
(05/03/18 4:56pm)
It may be finals week, but that doesn’t mean business has to stop. Justin Kanter (W '19) didn’t want to suppress his entrepreneurial spirit just because of finals, but he wasn’t sure how he could possibly profit off of the masses while everyone was studying.
Group Member Roasting Senior at Arts Show Actually Meant It
(05/04/18 3:27am)
It is a tradition in Spring arts shows for younger members in the groups to bid farewell to their senior counterparts, often accompanied by some light roasting. All fun and games, right?
DP Opinion Columnist in Critical Condition After Suffering Burns From Flaming Hot Take
(05/04/18 5:00pm)
It is undeniable that being a journalist comes with its risks. DP Opinion Columnist Martina Salvatore became far too familiar with this reality earlier today, when she suffered third-degree burns from the unquenchable flames of her latest "hot take."
How Can You Say That I Don't Have a Personality When I'm Wearing These Cool Socks
(05/24/18 4:05pm)
First of all, how dare you. I just don't get how you could say such a rude thing to a guy wearing such cool socks. I'm not saying that by having impeccable style I should be impervious to criticism, but, ya know, respect the fibers on my feet. Also, haven’t you noticed my eccentric short-sleeved button up? C’mon, I’m not on a beach sipping margs, why am I wearing this sweet Hawaiian shirt! That’s a pretty dope personality trait if I do say so myself.
Student has Photo Booth Birds Above Head in Fake ID Picture – Frat Bouncers Still Give him Wristbands
(05/05/18 6:52pm)
Before arriving at Penn, Seiji Sample (C ’21) had no idea he would need a fake ID, but within the first week he already saw fellow freshmen going in on orders together. Sample, a sensitive soul, had a little trouble finding friends during NSO. As a result, he missed out these orders.
Friends and Huntsman Automatic Sinks Stopped Noticing Student
(05/04/18 3:20am)
William O’Brien (C ’18) is about to graduate, but is already feeling sad and lonely, nervous about what his new life would bring. His days are numbered and now more than ever he wants to be noticed. Unfortunately, he has drifted apart from many of his friends these past few months. He has come to term with the fact that many of them have moved on in life, even though he suspects a lot of it has to do with the fact that he still doesn’t have Venmo.
OP-ED: I Waited 8 Minutes for a Latte at Pret—Now I Understand Oppression
(05/03/18 5:04pm)
I knew that life could be challenging. I had to ask my parents twice for a Canada Goose jacket before they bought me one in middle school. I actually had to pay someone to complete my application to Penn, even though I’m a double legacy and the application is just a formality. But last Wednesday, I experienced the true difficulty of a world set against me. I ordered a vanilla latte at Pret, and I had to wait eight minutes before they gave me my drink.
Decision to Not Grab Napkins With Food Proving to Be Big Mistake
(05/02/18 3:50am)
With hot sauce dripping down his hands and onto his lap, Engineering sophomore William Morris is beginning to realize that his decision to forgo napkins with his food truck burrito was a big mistake.
OP-ED: Fellow Dwellers of Van Pelt, I Was Scratching My Nose, Not Railing Vyvanse
(04/29/18 3:48am)
This finals season is proving to be a difficult one. I have spent many a late hour studying in the library alongside my collegiate brethren doing the very same. And it is you, dear brethren, whom I would like to address.
Op-Ed: I Loved Being an RA and Can’t Wait to Get High With My Residents After Finals
(05/07/18 2:16pm)
Being an RA is extremely rewarding. My residents and I really bonded over the course of the semester, and even though I had to turn several of them in for drug and alcohol related violations of housing policy, we maintained a great relationship.
PSA: There's Only 3 Days Left to Befriend the Kid With a 30-Page Study Guide
(04/28/18 4:00am)
Finals are fast approaching, and for the majority of students, that means one thing: time to start sucking up to the only student who paid attention this semester.
Four Ways to Make a String-And-Can Telephone to Cheat on Finals
(05/01/18 4:28am)
1. Use a string from the string store and a can from the can store.
This Sophomore Won’t Stop Picking at the Tiny Blemish on His Face
(04/28/18 4:12am)
This year marks 14 years since the groundbreaking documentary Supersize Me was released into theaters. The film followed Morgan Spurlock, a filmmaker who ate nothing but McDonald's for a month and put himself on track to become obese. The movie educated a whole generation of consumers on the dangers of fast food.
OP-ED: I’m a Registered Democrat But Salmon Khaki Shorts Are My Kink
(05/11/18 2:55pm)
The way the khaki peels stiffly away from his thigh. The way the shapeless pant leg screams, “what’s your golf handicap?” The way the hemmed bottom leaves room for the calf high Nike Dry Elite 1.5 Crew sock around his ankle. The Color. OH, THAT COLOR.
Brave! Wharton Freshman Decides to Do Finance for a Few Years Before Going Into Philanthropy
(05/12/18 6:34am)
Wharton freshman Ethan Browdy has decided to enter the finance industry for a few years before launching a non-profit startup.
Penn to Replace All Math Professors with Cardboard Cutouts of Old Dudes and Khan Academy Videos
(05/08/18 11:03am)
In order to improve PennCourseReview scores and save money, the Mathematics department has decided to dissolve its teaching division and replace it with a staff of cardboard cutouts of old men and Khan Academy videos.
Honest Mistake: Robert Kurzban Thought His Class Roster Was a List of Cute Singles in the Area
(04/26/18 3:17pm)
Robert Kurzban, the Penn psychology professor currently in the news for having romantic relationships with his students, has finally given an explanation for his actions.
OP-ED: I Demand That The Class Board Provide a Boneless Hey Day Hat
(04/26/18 10:46am)
I think it’s high time that we resolve one of the few issues ruining an otherwise idyllic lead-up to Hey Day 2018. Class Board 2019 claims to be trying to unify the junior class under one big family, but their pathetic set of Hey Day hat options is telling a totally different story. I found it wildly inconsiderate that they didn’t even try to accommodate students’ dietary restrictions, but honestly, the lack of a boneless hat choice is the biggest slap in the face. All I want is a medium-rare hat, sans tibia, but it looks like this year I’m all out of luck.