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'I Don't Care Too Much About the Eagles,' Claims Junior Prepping Molotov Cocktails

(02/04/18 3:41am)

It's only a few days until the Super Bowl, and the energy in Philadelphia is undeniably electric. For some temporary residents, the passion expressed by Eagles fans might border on psychotic. But Philadelphia natives are desperate to see their team win a Super Bowl after 58 years of celebrating a trophy from a now-defunct league, so it’s only natural to get a little excited. Brian Phillips (C ‘19) is one of those Eagles fans.


Sophomore Attends Sunday Mass the Morning After Mass Orgy

(02/04/18 3:40am)

Harrison Gordon (C ‘20) was used to wild nights. He would regularly engage in drunken rowdy behavior, defacing school property at least twice a week. He was a big fan of substances and experimented with anything that could alter his body, except for his private parts. Gordon was always hesitant of sexual exploration, possibly because of his fear of his inability to perform. Or maybe he just hadn’t found the right person to let loose around. 


Penn Tour Guide Beginning to Believe She Actually Throws Toast on Franklin Field

(02/09/18 11:38am)

Clara Williams (E ‘18) has been giving campus tours for the past three years. As per regulations, she is mandated to gush about clubs she has not met with in years, wax poetic about famous visiting speaker events which she’s never bothered to attend, and lead her group into a mad sprint the moment they risk catching sight of DRL.



4 Innovative Ways to Hide Your Face Now That Blanket Scarf Szn is Ending

(02/13/18 5:23pm)

As we move through February, the days will get longer and temperatures will start to creep up.  This means that blanket scarf season is slipping away as quickly as it came. I know you're all thinking of the question that naturally follows the news that blanket scarf szn is ending: where will I hide my face now when I feel uncomfortable?


Senior Has Had Same Cold Since Winter of Freshman Year

(02/03/18 9:15pm)

Tara Garland (C '18) first experienced the melancholy of being sick away from home in January of her freshman year. Then, at least, she had the solidarity of her entire freshman hall who, because they kept making out with each other, had all infected each other. Unfortunately for Tara, the cold (that she has since named Gilbert) has stayed with her for her entire time at Penn.


Four Ways to Tell Your Roommates You Would Hate Nothing More Than to Live With Them Next Year

(02/03/18 10:30pm)

Roommate selection period is coming up within a couple weeks, and you and your roommates have an unspoken agreement that all of you will live together again next year. You, however, have been making other arrangements and haven't informed your roommates that you absolutely hate living with them and would rather drop out than live with them again. Here are four ways to break the news.





​BREAKING: Philadelphia Education Budget to Go to Keeping Eagles Fans Off Street Poles

(02/04/18 12:15am)

City pride has never been so pervasive in Philadelphia. There have been riots in the streets, bird’s merchandise stocked in all the Wawas, and that beloved Eagles green illuminating the buildings of the city. And as the riots get worse, the department has been scrambling for means to keep the rowdy fans in check.


OP-ED: I Don’t Need to be Rejected by Every Sorority to Know I Have No Social Life

(02/02/18 11:15pm)

Signs of Greek life are everywhere on campus. They flood the hallways, the streets, and the buildings with distinct symbols that I haven’t seen since my senior year calculus class. And every January, so many girls are crestfallen to learn that their sole ticket to having anything even remotely close to a social life at Penn—admittance into a sorority—is out of reach.




President Trump Shocked by 'First Penn Alum' Accused of Sexual Misconduct

(02/01/18 6:46pm)

Adding on to a deplorable line of powerful and wealthy men, Penn Board of Trustees member Stephen Wynn was accused of sexual misconduct by dozens of women last week. Though the sheer quantity of similar allegations has made each one less surprising for many Americans, some people with ties to the University of Pennsylvania found the Wynn allegations particularly reprehensible. In fact, earlier today, the Board announced that they would be revoking Wynn's honorary degree and renaming Wynn Commons.


OP-ED: Carlo Rossi Was My Uncle. Please Stop Talking About His Jugs.

(02/09/18 11:31am)

Penn students know full well that this school has truly earned its title as the "Social Ivy." The large, vibrant city of Philadelphia surrounds us on all sides, making downtowns, BYOs, and off-campus soirées the alcoholic and drug-laced glue that binds our student body together. It's something I love and appreciate about Penn. It's the reason I have friends and lovers to call my own.


Freshman Girl Rejected from Frat by Boy Who Used Her for His Ratio During NSO

(02/01/18 12:10am)

Last Friday night, Wharton freshman Megan Richards was asked to take a lap before entering a party at campus fraternity Eta Beta Phi. Though it isn’t uncommon to be turned away from a crowded party, Richards expected easy entry due to a connection to one of the fraternity’s pledges, College freshman Ethan Simpson.




Local Student Sublets Mom's House

(01/30/18 10:30pm)

Charlie Sullivan (W '19) was always a momma’s boy. He would do the dishes without being asked, made beautiful Mother’s Day cards accompanied with fancy bouquets, and always complimented her handmade pasta sauce art (even though it was disgusting). He was the best son a mother could ask for, and his mom knew it. She always kept the way Charlie treated her in her mind, and hoped that one day she would be able to return the favor.