OP-ED: If Amy Gutmann Doesn't Answer My Valentine's Day Canvas DM, I Will Not Include Penn in My Will
Dear President Gutmann,
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Dear President Gutmann,
It’s been a tough day for College freshman James Stern.
Timothy Higgins, a freshman hoping to study English, is no average kid.
Tommy Whitman (W ‘21) was always a people person. He had the amazing ability to remember people's names after only a single interaction. While it made girls he was pursuing uncomfortable at frat parties, he was never stumped by “Who do you know” because Whitman knew everyone. Naturally, he decided to rush, and expand his ever-growing network of the classic, “How does he know my name? I only met him once,” acquaintances.
Flu season is upon us, and if you’re one of the unlucky many to be stricken with the virus, chances are there’s only one concern on your mind: how will you tell all of your past partners that you have the flu? Scientists estimate that the incubation period for the virus is 1-4 days, but we recommend going back until at least that werewolf that you brought home on Halloween to be safe. It’s hazardous to the health of the entire school if there are people walking around campus unaware that they’re at risk for the flu.
“E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!” chants College junior Ben Faussner from the dark counter at Smokes. Faussner “doesn’t know what all the hullabaloo about eagles is, but I’m here for it.”
Although engineers and Valentine’s Day usually go together about as well Penn students and anything that isn’t Uber, one inventive senior is looking to overcome well-trodden stereotypes and help bring joy from campus-wide heartbreak.
Last Saturday morning, Kelly Zhang (C ’19) hit the second floor Huntsman Quiet Study Room (QSR) at approximately 10:30 am, only to find that every single study carrel was occupied. Textbooks and notebooks littered each small study space. Yet, only three people were actually present in the room.
Oh, hi! Didn't see you there—oh, you’re Rachel’s RA? Cool, cool, cool...Yeah, man, I’m just decorating her room for Big/Little week.
Amazon recently announced the 20 cities remaining in the battle for HQ2, the tech company’s second headquarters in North America.
In the immortal words of Future: “Fuck it, mask off.”
Following Dartmouth University’s recent rebranding, a New Hampshire resident applied to the university thinking that it was a landscaping company.
Hey, so I totally heard your comments about my Native American-print yoga mat, and I just want you to know that everything you said went completely over my head. But despite this, I will still insist that whatever I did is not bad. It can't be. I did it.
After intense deliberation and thoughtful discourse, Katie Williams (C ’20) decided she would not participate in Valentine's Day this year. Her final decision was predicated mostly on the harmful and discriminatory history of the holiday, and also the fact that Katie is very much single so it doesn’t matter anyway.
Yes, it’s true: I am currently writing an article about breaking the fourth wall.
There are two types of people in this world: those who drink coffee, and those who drink tea. Lauren Cohen (W '20) is 100% a tea girl. Cohen will drink tea at almost every meal. She will have tea with breakfast, tea after a three-course Italian dinner, and sometimes even a second tea to accompany the tea she is already drinking. Yes, Cohen is a full-on tea addict. Also, she consumes an average of five alcoholic drinks a day.
Despite a wide selection of locally-available ingredients, College junior Heather Carrol’s grocery shopping list this week included only the items needed for scrambled eggs. Sources close to Carrol say that this list has not changed in years.
Clarissa needs to stop.
In a courageous move, Penn has created a fund for donors implicated in the Mueller Investigation. In an email to the school, President Amy Gutmann announced the fund was created to pay for the legal fees of “those Quakers currently being investigated by Robert Mueller and his team.”
Today marks the start of Feb Club, a month of events for seniors only. For Chris Peterson (C ’18), this meant the beginning of a 28-day journey surrounding fever-induced hallucinations, Tylenol, and unhelpful advice from SHS.