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Freshman Dropped During Rush Calls Cops on Every Frat Party

(02/06/18 5:38am)

Tommy Whitman (W ‘21) was always a people person. He had the amazing ability to remember people's names after only a single interaction. While it made girls he was pursuing uncomfortable at frat parties, he was never stumped by “Who do you know” because Whitman knew everyone. Naturally, he decided to rush, and expand his ever-growing network of the classic, “How does he know my name? I only met him once,” acquaintances.


Your Winter Guide for Telling Past Hookups That You Have the Flu

(02/08/18 2:00pm)

Flu season is upon us, and if you’re one of the unlucky many to be stricken with the virus, chances are there’s only one concern on your mind: how will you tell all of your past partners that you have the flu? Scientists estimate that the incubation period for the virus is 1-4 days, but we recommend going back until at least that werewolf that you brought home on Halloween to be safe. It’s hazardous to the health of the entire school if there are people walking around campus unaware that they’re at risk for the flu.




Shocking: That Guy Who Saved His Spot in Study Carrel With a Pile of Books Has Been Abroad All Semester

(02/07/18 2:00pm)

Last Saturday morning, Kelly Zhang (C ’19) hit the second floor Huntsman Quiet Study Room (QSR) at approximately 10:30 am, only to find that every single study carrel was occupied. Textbooks and notebooks littered each small study space. Yet, only three people were actually present in the room.







BREAKING: Katie Not Participating in Valentine’s Day Due to Its Dirty Eurocentric Capitalist Agenda and Also She's Single

(02/13/18 5:17pm)

After intense deliberation and thoughtful discourse, Katie Williams (C ’20) decided she would not participate in Valentine's Day this year. Her final decision was predicated mostly on the harmful and discriminatory history of the holiday, and also the fact that Katie is very much single so it doesn’t matter anyway.



'I’m a Tea Addict!' Laughs Sophomore Who Consumes an Average of Five Alcoholic Drinks a Day

(02/10/18 6:31pm)

There are two types of people in this world: those who drink coffee, and those who drink tea. Lauren Cohen (W '20) is 100% a tea girl. Cohen will drink tea at almost every meal. She will have tea with breakfast, tea after a three-course Italian dinner, and sometimes even a second tea to accompany the tea she is already drinking. Yes, Cohen is a full-on tea addict. Also, she consumes an average of five alcoholic drinks a day.