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OP-ED: I May be Wearing a Cow Suit to Class Everyday but It Isn't a Pledge Thing, I am an Actual Bovine

(02/21/18 3:00am)

Hi guys. Yeah, I know, I know. It's that time of year and there are dumb kids doing all sorts of shenanigans to gain the approval of others. But my cow suit is not to be part of a superficial brotherhood. I have no interest in your cults to binge drinking and public humiliation. No, my friends, I suck at the teat of something that is much bigger than all of us. I am a Cow. 

Gratitude Post: My Roommate Leaves Pubic Hair All Over the Bathroom so If She Commits a Crime, I Have DNA Samples

(02/19/18 10:45am)

My roommate is the absolute best. Some roomies bake each other cookies, have spa nights, or watch movies together, but my roommate is much more considerate: she leaves her pubic hair all over the bathroom, so that if she commits a crime, I have DNA samples that can ensure a speedy trial and a swift conviction. She’s the best!

Freshman Pulls Dorm Fire Alarm so He Can Shit in Peace

(02/20/18 9:48am)

Everyone has their quirks, and Donnie Kasey (C ‘21) is no different. These are things that Donnie values in life: photoshopping pictures of his professors on the bodies of models, putting ketchup in his morning coffee, and taking long, relaxing shits on the toilet. Every time Donnie sits down on the toilet in his Quad dorm room, he takes off his socks, grabs a nice book and some snacks, and winds down in relaxing bliss. His daily toilet time is the only thing keeping him sane, and Donnie would do anything to make sure his little adventures are undisturbed.

Penn Linguists Incensed Over New Movement to Drop Periods

(02/18/18 1:14pm)

After rallying against a burgeoning wave of anti-punctuation sentiment, aficionados of the grammatically correct are celebrating a miraculous win. In the face of ardent protests, the University is buckling to public pressure and ending its experimental "drop period"—a time where students could spit in the face of hundreds of years of English language tradition and submit written assignments period-free with no repercussions. Proponents of the drop period have claimed that punctuation “is a artificial construct forced onto students that inhibits both creativity and communication in its highest form.”

Student Unwilling to Code Excited to Spend Summer Working Exclusively in Excel

(02/23/18 4:22pm)

Martin Turner (C ’21) has made the decision that coding is not for him. This realization struck him when, despite working for eight hours a day one day a week, he received his second failing grade on an assignment for CIS 110. Reportedly, Turner said that he could turn the grade around "if he really wanted to," but he didn't want to miss the drop deadline and risk trashing his GPA over Java. Also, yeah, okay, he had "literally never worked harder in his life than he did for that class." Not everyone is born with the innate ability to hack.

'I Would Do Anything for My Brothers,' Says Student Who Rushed Frat Three Times Before Getting In

(02/24/18 8:57pm)

It’s times like these when we remember that there is still good in the world. Amidst all the war, destruction, and failed relationships, it’s hard to find a glimpse of hope to get you through the week - or the day even! But when a person shows such incredible perseverance as Grant Friedman (EW ‘20), it reminds us that anything can happen if you try, try, try again.

PennGreen Reports 'Not All Men are Trash; Many Without Metal Parts Can Be Composted'

(02/23/18 4:38pm)

From frat boys to finance bros, many men at Penn are regularly classified as trash. Though it may be tempting to use a man once and throw him away, Penn students now have an exciting new alternative. Members of PennGreen hope to beautify our campus and better the environment by offering a new solution to the problem of men: compost. 

Professor Forgets to Make Students Sit One Seat Apart During Exam, Class Average Still 47%

(02/22/18 8:42am)

Physics 150 students were elated Monday to find the proctor not enforcing the official class policy that seats during exams must be staggered. “Usually there’s at least some exam A and B bullshit, but this was the real deal,” gushed Tom Clark (C ’22). “I was taking the exact same exam as the guy next to me! And this guy was super nerdy. We’re talking thick-framed glasses and color-coded notes. I knew I had a shot for a good grade this time.” 

OP-ED: I Didn't Ghost You, I've Just Been Wandering Around the 5th Floor of Huntsman

(02/14/18 2:45am)

Oh, hey. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I guess right around three weeks, eh? That was when you invited me over at 2 am to watch a third of an episode of “Black Mirror” before promptly falling asleep, both of us fully clothed. I tried to be the little spoon and fall asleep with you, but you kept coughing and starfished the entire bed. So I went home.

Senior Anxiously Asks Professor If Midterms Will Be Graded Before the Drop Deadline for Fourth Year in a Row

(02/15/18 5:45pm)

The drop deadline is rapidly approaching, and midterms are already in full swing. Cole Barron (C '18) put off his Physical World requirement until his very last semester at Penn, and has a Geology midterm coming up. Naturally, Barron raised his hand eagerly in class on Monday to ask the professor if the midterms will be graded before the drop deadline. The professor replied, "Yes, they will be, as they always are. But Cole, you're a senior and you need this requirement to graduate. How could you possibly drop this class?"