Visitors to the East Village apartment of Ryan Bertrand (W ’19) have been complaining of a strange smell.
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Penn alum Donald J. Trump (W '68) has clearly had enough with the infestation of Canadians at his alma matter. Earlier this week, the President took harsh measures to prevent more Canadians from entering the university, imposing strict tariffs on the trade of metals, natural resources, and of course, annoying Canadian students.
It’s that time of year when Penn students are just getting settled in at their summer jobs. But settling in can lead to getting to comfortable, which could lead to your coworkers hating you. Take this quiz to stay ahead of the curve and find out if your coworkers think you’re a real dick.
Can't a girl catch a break?
College sophomore Justin Rankin finished the semester with a 3.8 GPA, completed writing seminar requirement, and internship at a Fortune 500 company. However, he boasts that his proudest moment of the semester was breaking 500 likes in the Official Unofficial Penn Squirrel Catching Club.
Last Thursday, the Spence School hosted its annual luncheon for the new college graduates. Katie Wilson (C’18) was delighted for the opportunity to rank herself against her former classmates, only to realize, much to her dismay, that no one in her graduating class has gotten fat yet. For Wilson, there would be no salacious rumors about pregnancies or adult-onset diabetes. Rather, the vast majority of the girls in attendance had only gotten more attractive with age.
CJ Hoffman (W ’18) and fourteen of his closest Upsilon Gamma brothers wanted to treat themselves after their recent graduation. You know, since the treat of an Ivy League degree fully paid by their hardworking parents while remaining wholly financially dependent just wasn’t enough.
On his first day of his new internship, rising Senior Carl Jefferson entered the office feeling perplexed. Accustomed to crowds of students wearing similar backpacks across campus, he was shocked to see a sudden disappearance of this accessory he had come to love and respect.
This Wednesday, a interdisciplinary research team from the Penn Fine Arts Department and the School of Dental Medicine published the results of a groundbreaking study. Approximately 89.43% of individuals who identify as male don’t really know how to smile in photos.
Victor Randal hates many things about Penn. Far too frequently, he can be spotted roaming campus and presenting his controversial opinions, regularly complaining about the privilege and entitlement amongst his peers.
In a stunning show of range, local friend Josh Laby (W '18) has also established himself as a bully to his small circle of friends.
In a unprecedented display of benevolence and charity, fraternity Zeta Alpha Gamma is reaching out across campus to collected new and used Juul cartridges to donate to underserved kids in the West Philadelphia school system.
Hey! Long time no see! I feel like we haven’t talked—like really talked— in forever. I thought I would reach out so we can find a time to catch up, just me and you, and chat about what’s new in our lives. Oh, and my boyfriend Jonathan will be there too.
As a study break during finals week, Rodin College House recently hosted a diamond-cutting workshop in its Rooftop Lounge. The event, held on the evening of the last day of classes, was free of charge to any Rodin resident and allowed each participant to walk away with a small but precious cut diamond.
Rachael Serra (C '18) had never been MERT'd before. She survived her first Penn BYO with flying colors. She even helped carry other freshmen back to the Quad. No formal or frat party could ever take her down. Rachael was classy as all hell.
Junior Who Thought They Were Cool for Hanging out with Only Seniors Scrambling to Lock Down Friends for Next Year
Things were looking bright for Elizabeth Wrankin (C’19) when she came into her first semester at Penn. On the first night of NSO, she ventured out with twenty of her closest hallmates for a dismal evening of drinking Banker’s with no chaser and getting scooped from behind by sweaty frat bros. Instead, she found the holy grail of NSO: A group of sophomores drinking beer on their porch and observing the partygoers.
Marc Ross (W ’19) is tired of getting deceived. After failing to reconnect with a friend from Quaker Days, his plan for next year's living situation was in shambles.
Girl Who Refuses to Actively Support Friend in Any Way Comments "wow u r literally perfect" on Friend's Profile Picture
No way! In a shocking turn of events, Margaret Benson (C '18), someone with a friendship track record that is shitty at best, has suddenly decided to be nice to her friend Sarah Goldstein (C '18) on social media. So far this year, Benson has been objectively horrible to her friend: she refuses to attend any of Goldstein's events, only talks about herself when they catch up, and loves to talk shit behind her back. Yet, funny enough, Benson is prone to showering Goldstein with kindness every time she posts a picture on Instagram.
Listen up! There's a new rule in town: clogs are now required to enter the Kelly Writers House.
Junior Ben Collins (C ‘19) has two notable qualities: he’s an optimist, and he’s a procrastinator. Whenever schoolwork gets tough, he keeps his head up. “You’ve gotta have some dark times to appreciate the good ones,” he always thinks to himself. During every difficult, stressful week he has, Collins thinks of the bright future ahead.