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Trump Cites "Way Too Many Fucking Canadians At Penn" As Reason For Strict New Tariffs

(06/14/18 4:20am)

Penn alum Donald J. Trump (W '68) has clearly had enough with the infestation of Canadians at his alma matter. Earlier this week, the President took harsh measures to prevent more Canadians from entering the university, imposing strict tariffs on the trade of metals, natural resources, and of course, annoying Canadian students. 




​Student’s Proudest Moment of Semester Getting 500 Likes on Penn Meme Page

(06/02/18 5:58pm)

College sophomore Justin Rankin finished the semester with a 3.8 GPA, completed writing seminar requirement, and internship at a Fortune 500 company. However, he boasts that his proudest moment of the semester was breaking 500 likes in the Official Unofficial Penn Squirrel Catching Club.


​High School Reunion Uneventful: No One’s Gotten Fat Yet

(05/31/18 12:17pm)

Last Thursday, the Spence School hosted its annual luncheon for the new college graduates. Katie Wilson (C’18) was delighted for the opportunity to rank herself against her former classmates, only to realize, much to her dismay, that no one in her graduating class has gotten fat yet. For Wilson, there would be no salacious rumors about pregnancies or adult-onset diabetes. Rather, the vast majority of the girls in attendance had only gotten more attractive with age.









Report: 3 Residents Show Up to Free Diamond-Cutting Event Advertised in Rodin Listserv

(05/26/18 4:58pm)

As a study break during finals week, Rodin College House recently hosted a diamond-cutting workshop in its Rooftop Lounge. The event, held on the evening of the last day of classes, was free of charge to any Rodin resident and allowed each participant to walk away with a small but precious cut diamond. 



Junior Who Thought They Were Cool for Hanging out with Only Seniors Scrambling to Lock Down Friends for Next Year

(05/09/18 12:25am)

Things were looking bright for Elizabeth Wrankin (C’19) when she came into her first semester at Penn. On the first night of NSO, she ventured out with twenty of her closest hallmates for a dismal evening of drinking Banker’s with no chaser and getting scooped from behind by sweaty frat bros. Instead, she found the holy grail of NSO: A group of sophomores drinking beer on their porch and observing the partygoers.



Girl Who Refuses to Actively Support Friend in Any Way Comments "wow u r literally perfect" on Friend's Profile Picture

(05/12/18 5:47am)

No way! In a shocking turn of events, Margaret Benson (C '18), someone with a friendship track record that is shitty at best, has suddenly decided to be nice to her friend Sarah Goldstein (C '18) on social media. So far this year, Benson has been objectively horrible to her friend: she refuses to attend any of Goldstein's events, only talks about herself when they catch up, and loves to talk shit behind her back. Yet, funny enough, Benson is prone to showering Goldstein with kindness every time she posts a picture on Instagram.



'This is the Hardest Week, and Then I’m Done,' Says Junior Every Week Since February

(04/30/18 3:58am)

Junior Ben Collins (C ‘19) has two notable qualities: he’s an optimist, and he’s a procrastinator. Whenever schoolwork gets tough, he keeps his head up. “You’ve gotta have some dark times to appreciate the good ones,” he always thinks to himself. During every difficult, stressful week he has, Collins thinks of the bright future ahead.