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Junior With Limitless Spring Break Choices Eager to Eat Ice Cream in Underwear for a Week

(02/26/18 4:27pm)

With spring break right around the corner, Penn students are spending more time than ever absentmindedly scrolling through pages of flight options and daydreaming about sunny Caribbean beaches. Between long distance train travel, cheap bus services and spontaneous road trips, America’s transportation infrastructure offers a veritable cornucopia of convenient ways to get out of Philadelphia. Nevertheless, one zealous junior is looking to break from tradition and do spring break his own way.

Thank God! This Sophomore Definitively Ranked Penn’s Sororities to Make Up for His Tiny Penis

(02/22/18 8:40am)

On Sunday evening, although nobody asked him to, Grant Samuels (W ‘20) created a five-point rubric for Penn’s sororities and managed to definitively rank them all over the course of fifteen minutes. Friends and family were relieved to hear Samuels had taken it upon himself to accomplish this important task, as it helps make up for his tiny penis.

Get You a Guy That Does Both! This Frat Brutally Tortures 18-Year-Olds in Their Basement but Also Donates to Susan G. Komen for the Cure

(02/26/18 4:29pm)

The Perfect Guy is hard to find. With social media creating an online idealized version of reality, many people have unrealistic expectations of their significant others. Women expect their significant others to be smart yet fun, funny yet loving, hot yet approachable, dangerous yet sensitive. For most women these ideals are near impossible to find, but for Penn ladies, today is their lucky day. The brothers of Alpha Sigma Sigma, Beta Beta chapter, can do it all. Not only do they torture 18 year olds in their basement, but they also donate to the top-notch breast cancer advocacy and prevention organization, Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

Frat Brother Arrested for Copyright Infringement After Hosting Green Eggs and Kegs

(02/23/18 4:37pm)

Alpha Beta Alpha brother Chad Williams always thought of himself as a law-abiding kid. He never stole a car, he never murdered his brother, and he never, ever created a lawn chair-based pyramid scheme. In fact, besides doing a little coke here and there, Williams had always stayed on the right side of the law.

OP-ED: No Thanks, I Don’t Want Adderall, My Hands Are Already Shaking from Talking in a Class Discussion

(02/20/18 9:46am)

Hey man, I know you’re just trying to help me get a jump start to my day, but I don’t need Adderall, I swear. I just got out of my 9 a.m. and I raised my hand to talk not just once, but two whole times. So my hands are already shaking from the natural high of talking in class.

Wow! This Frat Painted Five Hula Hoops For Their Olympics Party

(02/19/18 10:44am)

The brothers of Rho Iota Chi (RICH) were running out of themes. They could only throw so many parties with a jungle theme, and their Frat themed frat party was not a hit. Some of their more ambitious themes had not worked out either, due to the general lack of artistic talent and motivation among the brothers—their Valentine’s Day party featured poorly cut out hearts hung with floss from the ceiling, which made for a fairly depressing atmosphere.