A new project titled Dear Penn Freshmen went live this weekend, filling our Facebook feeds with upperclassmen's heartfelt letters to past selves. The SWUGs of UTB couldn't help but a get a li'l nostalgic and join in on the fun. If we could write a letter to our freshmen selves, here's what we would say:
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Last Thursday, Becca Goldstein (C ’20) was dragged to Iron Gate Theater to watch her roommate’s friend’s dance performance.
Hey, Tiffany! Thanks so much for the invite to your birthday BYO this weekend. I can’t wait for forced interactions with people I barely know, sprinkled with some painfully awkward conversations about how we know you. Should be a fun time!
Valentine's Day makes Sara Conway (C '21) sick.
Andrea Blumenthal (W '20) hates small talk.
With spring break right around the corner, Penn students are spending more time than ever absentmindedly scrolling through pages of flight options and daydreaming about sunny Caribbean beaches. Between long distance train travel, cheap bus services and spontaneous road trips, America’s transportation infrastructure offers a veritable cornucopia of convenient ways to get out of Philadelphia. Nevertheless, one zealous junior is looking to break from tradition and do spring break his own way.
On Sunday evening, although nobody asked him to, Grant Samuels (W ‘20) created a five-point rubric for Penn’s sororities and managed to definitively rank them all over the course of fifteen minutes. Friends and family were relieved to hear Samuels had taken it upon himself to accomplish this important task, as it helps make up for his tiny penis.
It’s true what they say about musicians. My little drummer boy knows how to bang bang bang. The best part? We get to do it unprotected thanks to a little something called the rhythm method.
Get You a Guy That Does Both! This Frat Brutally Tortures 18-Year-Olds in Their Basement but Also Donates to Susan G. Komen for the Cure
The Perfect Guy is hard to find. With social media creating an online idealized version of reality, many people have unrealistic expectations of their significant others. Women expect their significant others to be smart yet fun, funny yet loving, hot yet approachable, dangerous yet sensitive. For most women these ideals are near impossible to find, but for Penn ladies, today is their lucky day. The brothers of Alpha Sigma Sigma, Beta Beta chapter, can do it all. Not only do they torture 18 year olds in their basement, but they also donate to the top-notch breast cancer advocacy and prevention organization, Susan G. Komen for the Cure.
In a move to break yet another rule of coffee, Starbucks will now be offering one more alternative to dairy for all of its beverages: Everclear.
Penn’s administration has suffered relentless criticism for its inadequate mental health policies. But that’s all set to change this month with the unveiling of a revolutionary new CAPS subdivision.
Everyone’s getting really worked up these days about Elon Musk’s (W ’97, C '98) big rocket hobby. Sure, I have to admit that putting a car in space is pretty cool and all, but come on. One Quaker to another, we have to admit that there are things more impressive than that.
On the night of February 4th, the Philadelphia Eagles made history as they claimed their first ever Super Bowl. Thousands of students from Penn alone raced down Walnut Street, headed towards Center City for post-game celebrations.
It’s midterm season again, and for many, it’s also drop season.
Alpha Beta Alpha brother Chad Williams always thought of himself as a law-abiding kid. He never stole a car, he never murdered his brother, and he never, ever created a lawn chair-based pyramid scheme. In fact, besides doing a little coke here and there, Williams had always stayed on the right side of the law.
Oh, yeah. Oooh, yeah, baby. He did it. That absolute psycho Tyler drank milk.
OP-ED: No Thanks, I Don’t Want Adderall, My Hands Are Already Shaking from Talking in a Class Discussion
Hey man, I know you’re just trying to help me get a jump start to my day, but I don’t need Adderall, I swear. I just got out of my 9 a.m. and I raised my hand to talk not just once, but two whole times. So my hands are already shaking from the natural high of talking in class.
The brothers of Rho Iota Chi (RICH) were running out of themes. They could only throw so many parties with a jungle theme, and their Frat themed frat party was not a hit. Some of their more ambitious themes had not worked out either, due to the general lack of artistic talent and motivation among the brothers—their Valentine’s Day party featured poorly cut out hearts hung with floss from the ceiling, which made for a fairly depressing atmosphere.
It’s Wednesday, dude. Want to go to Smokes?
Hi, I’m Ahmet. I’m from Turkey.