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'Please Be Gracious, We Have a Lot of Papers to Grade,' Says Professor Who Assigned 100 Pages of Reading, Take-home Midterm, and 2000-Word Essay

(03/14/18 5:33am)

Late Monday afternoon after concluding lecture, Professor Marjorie Tyler urged students to “be gracious,” as she had many papers to grade over the coming week.

'Refreshed' Senior Didn't Do Shit Before Spring Break, Ready to Continue Doing Nothing

(03/13/18 4:22pm)

Ah, who doesn’t love a nice break to treat yourself from half a semester of late night studying, job hunting anxiety, and actively (or passively?) ghosting boys after sleeping with them? Better yet, who doesn’t love a nice break to treat yourself from spending five nights a week at Smokes, dropping every club on your resume, not doing jack shit for the past two months?

​Frat Pledge One Last Workshop on Consent Away From Finally Respecting Women

(03/11/18 9:49am)

What a guy! Freshman pledge Anthony Ludger (C ’21) “totally gets it now.” After taking a mandatory workshop on consent for his fraternity, it all became clear. “I don’t know how it took me so long,” he said coming out of the workshop. “I’m an ally now. Go ahead, ask me anything concerning women. I can speak for all of them.”

Fossil Free Penn Occupies Penn Museum, Will Not Leave Until All Dinosaur Skeletons Are Removed

(03/13/18 4:30pm)

Regular operations in the Penn Museum have been suspended due to an ongoing sit in protest organized by Fossil Free Penn. Over 30 members strong, the group of protesters from the prominent activist club is disrupting museum activity by occupying the archaeology wing. Club president Alanna Gore (C ‘19) issued a statement to the UTB, claiming that the protest, despite any disciplinary action taken by administrators, “will not end until every last bone in the museum is released.”