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6 Reasons Why I'm Pretty Sure That Boy In Castle is Niall Horan

(03/23/18 10:22pm)

I know this sounds crazy. Why would an international pop star be a member of one of Penn’s fraternities? But hear me out. I’ve been mulling over the possibility that this man in Castle was Niall Horan for a while now, and last Friday’s late-night just confirmed why 1D’s (RIP) blond-haired Irishman must be a part of that organization.


Meet the Girl Who Modeled for ‘The WALK’ One Time and Is Dropping Out to Pursue a Modeling Career

(03/22/18 7:16pm)

Before this past week, Jocelyn was just like any other Econ major: ready to take a soul-crushing job at Bain or Goldman and pass off her degree from the College as one from Wharton. But in the middle of her last semester as a senior, Jocelyn made the decision to cut her academic career short.


Local Hero: This TA Just Gives out the Answer During Office Hours

(03/19/18 4:52pm)

An exclusive source has revealed that GEOL 100 TA Kaitlin Jacobs (C ’18) took the class three years ago and doesn’t remember any of the material, but she does have the answer key, so people can check their answers if they want. The source also reported that Jacobs often angled her laptop screen towards the students, allowing them to look over her shoulder as she searched through the answers. 




Awkward! 32 Sorority Sisters Came Downstairs Wearing Same All-Black Outfit

(03/26/18 5:52pm)

There was chaos in the Alpha Sigma Sigma (ΑΣΣ) house last Saturday night. As the sisters got ready for a night downtown full of selfies and tequila shots, compliments were flying. One sorority member, Ashlyn Craig (C ‘19), recalls telling her big, Rachel Goldberg (C ’18), “Oh my god, Rachel, your ass looks so good in that dress. Ugh! Can I just be you already?”






Thought Your Job Search Was Hard? Meet the Junior Who Won’t Add Anything to Your Company

(03/21/18 4:40pm)

Recent trends are clear: Millennials are not prepared for the workforce. More employers than ever are noticing that potential employees either have the technical training or the social capabilities for today's fast-paced work environment, but rarely both. Still, only the truly inept manage to have neither. Meet one of those guys.


‘I Really Want an Apartment in NYC With Exposed Brick and Granite Countertops,' Says Broke Senior Plagued by HGTV

(03/21/18 6:02pm)

Mariana Rodriguez (C ’18) landed her dream job for after graduation. Well, it’s not actually her dream job, because no actually dreams of being a consultant, but congrats anyway, Mari! She’s looking forward to truly live out “Penn, but make it NYC” a la Tyra Banks and Amy Gutmann.



Econ 010 Lecture Is Just the Professor Saying 'Decentralized' Until the Entire Class Climaxes

(03/22/18 7:13pm)

Our best reporters here at UTB recently conducted an investigation into this spring's Econ 010 lecture. We had hoped to cover an exciting course that encapsulated Wharton and gave us new insight into Penn's pre-professional culture, but instead we found an unsettling, strangely erotic place shrouded in secrecy.





'I Can Never Concentrate After Spring Break,' Claims Senior Who Hasn't Been to a Lecture in 2 Years

(03/18/18 6:22pm)

The time between spring break and summer vacation is an awkward period for all Penn students. We live our lives like characters in a Greek tragedy, buried in a whirlwind of assignments, extracurricular commitments, and internship woes while constantly being reminded that summer's freedom is just barely out of reach, even if that freedom means working at a soul-crushing internship for 12 weeks so you can pay for next year’s PV trip. Even the most committed individuals can suffer lapses in concentration during this period.


OP-ED: I Want the Family Sitting Next to Me at This Banana Leaf BYO to Adopt Me, But I'm Afraid I'm Too Drunk to Take Care of the Legal Documents

(03/17/18 6:04pm)

We were three boat races in. At that precise moment, the isolated table made for drunk Penn kids in the back of Banana Leaf started to feel more like prison than paradise. So, I turn around, look up behind me and there they are: Shannon and Howard. Shannon and Howard are two grown-ass, married adults just trying to eat their Roti Canai and their Pineapple Rice in peace on a Thursday at 6:36 PM. 


Feminist Win! This Woman Only Lets Gay Men Grind on Her at Frat Parties

(03/19/18 5:00pm)

Many young women at Penn have come to learn that they will sometimes get unsolicited advances at frat parties. No matter how many workshops are held for members of Greek life to learn about consent and sexual harassment, these incidents keep happening. As a result, sophomore Katie Johnson has decided to take a stand all on her own.