Friend Also Bully
(05/06/18 4:21pm)
In a stunning show of range, local friend Josh Laby (W '18) has also established himself as a bully to his small circle of friends.
Search Results
Below are your search results. You can also try a Basic Search.
Fraternity Philanthropy Win: Donate Your Juul To Help Support West Philly Schools
(05/02/18 3:44am)
In a unprecedented display of benevolence and charity, fraternity Zeta Alpha Gamma is reaching out across campus to collected new and used Juul cartridges to donate to underserved kids in the West Philadelphia school system.
Street Preacher Successfully Converts Two Tour Groups to Pentecostalism
(04/20/18 6:59am)
In an unusual success for the itinerant fundamentalist, the street preacher stationed at College Hall has converted two entire Penn tour groups to Pentecostalism.
Hip Penn Grandmother Sends Newspaper Clippings on How to Deal With Never-Ending Torrents of Anxiety and Depression
(04/16/18 12:49pm)
Always trying to adjust to the times, Penn grandmother Bess Walderstein is sure that her weekly envelope of newspaper clippings to her grandson, Connor (W '20), is relevant and helpful to his life at Penn. After reading about Penn in the media and talking to her grandson about the school, Bess' clippings now mostly revolve around how to deal with never-ending torrents of anxiety and depression.
International Student in $500 Yeezy T-Shirt Confuses Kanye with Tupac
(04/18/18 10:47am)
Contrary to her ostensible enthusiasm for Kanye West's music and hyper-modern aesthetic, international student Jessica Bishop (W '20), currently wearing a Yeezy brand shirt purchased for $500, still confuses Kanye West with Tupac Shakur.
Penn Tour Group Has Already Become a Status Obsessed Hell
(04/11/18 11:02am)
According to inside sources, a Penn tour group that had been on campus just twenty minutes has already devolved into a status obsessed hell.
Penn men's basketball 2018 season in review | Wow, you guys are tall
(03/27/18 4:01am)
After a thrilling Penn men’s basketball season that ended with an Ivy conference championship and a trip to the NCAA tournament, I can only say one thing: wow, you guys are tall.
Sophomore Just Sort of Expecting Life to Get Worse
(04/04/18 7:23am)
Sophomore Allison Green (C '20) realized today that she is simply expecting life to get worse. That is, despite good grades, a relatively close group of friends, and a full slate of extracurriculars, Allison is simply expecting her life at Penn to worsen in quality until graduation.
'God, I Could Use a Cigarette,' Thinks 17-Year-Old With Asthma
(03/23/18 9:23pm)
Sitting in GEOL 112 earlier this week, Jacob Scott (C '21) looked longingly out the window and felt a deep, painful urge rise within his stomach. Jacob, a freshman who will turn eighteen in April, realized that he was having nicotine cravings.
Penn Basketball Asked Who They Know at NCAA Tournament
(03/15/18 1:55pm)
WICHITA, KS — Approaching stadium security at Intrust Bank Arena, the Penn Quaker Men’s Basketball Team was taken aback last night when they were asked who exactly they knew at the exclusive tournament.
OP-ED: Pledging is Bad But So Is...War? Is that a Good Argument?
(03/21/18 5:58pm)
So there have been a lot of hot takes the past few weeks about fraternity pledging and its benefits and dangers. While I know little about it, I still feel a burning desire for attention, so I will do my best to produce an opinion.
Irony of Great Gatsby Frat Mixer Hits Junior Like a Ton of Fucking Bricks
(02/25/18 6:02pm)
In a burst of realization, Greg Martin (C '19) realized the extent of the irony of the Great Gatsby-themed fraternity mixer he was attending.
OP-ED: Remember, You Were All Nerds in High School
(02/11/18 10:10pm)
Hey Penn students.
A Letter To the Penn Community From the Office of President Amy Gutmann: Hi, I'd Like You All To Take Some Time Out of Your Days to Read My Letter Emptily Pandering to All of You
(03/03/18 5:45am)
Hey you.
OP-ED: I May Not Understand What Cultural Appropriation is, But I Will Die Before I Admit it is Bad
(02/07/18 2:00pm)
Hey, so I totally heard your comments about my Native American-print yoga mat, and I just want you to know that everything you said went completely over my head. But despite this, I will still insist that whatever I did is not bad. It can't be. I did it.
Penn Creates Fund for Donors Implicated in Mueller Investigation
(02/03/18 1:00am)
In a courageous move, Penn has created a fund for donors implicated in the Mueller Investigation. In an email to the school, President Amy Gutmann announced the fund was created to pay for the legal fees of “those Quakers currently being investigated by Robert Mueller and his team.”
Secret Society Hires Formal Photographer
(01/31/18 1:30am)
Secret society Pi Alpha Sigma, known in public by its members as only "The Society" in the interest of discretion, has hired a professional photographer for its upcoming Spring Formal.
Newly Religious Student Doesn’t Do Cocaine on Shabbat
(01/31/18 9:00pm)
In a show of perspective and piety to be envied and emulated, newly religious Penn student Jacob D. (C '19) refrains from cocaine use on Shabbat.
Physicists Astonished as TEDxPenn Speaker Collapses Inside Own Asshole
(01/23/18 5:59am)
Physicists were astonished today when a TEDxPenn Speaker, Darvish Lelani, seemed to bend the laws of physics by collapsing inside his own asshole.
OP-ED: I'm Definitely the Coolest Kid in This Class
(01/26/18 12:00am)
Hey. So I promise I'm a humble guy and I never usually think or talk this way, but I kind have to say this right now.