This finals season is proving to be a difficult one. I have spent many a late hour studying in the library alongside my collegiate brethren doing the very same. And it is you, dear brethren, whom I would like to address.
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How to Stop Shouting 'No! Me Precious Morsels!' Every Time a Nature Valley Bar Crumbles in Your Hands
Nature Valley granola bars are delicious, nutritious snacks, making them a classic staple of every busy college student's diet. The only problem with this portable delight? It inevitably disintegrates between your greasy fingers before you even get to the second bar. The next thing you know, you're shrieking in despair in the middle of Locust Walk. Yikes! Here are some quick tips to help you stop shouting "No! Me precious morsels!" like a grubby little troll every time your Oats 'n Honey crumbles in your hands.
When Caroline Jimenez (W '19) saw a rodent scurry boldly across her kitchen floor one evening this semester, she did what any concerned renter would do: call up her landlord and put in a maintenance request for traps.
Picture this: it's your busiest day of the week. You've got six hours of classes back-to-back ahead of you, and zero time to grab a real lunch. So, you pull an Obama and eat a fistful of stale almonds during the ten-minute break in your seminar and pray it'll tide you over for the rest of the afternoon.
A new report detailing the status of queer theory courses at Penn has revealed what many students have already suspected: every other student in the queer theory class you're in has a cooler haircut than you.
A team of researchers at the Perelman School of Medicine has found that students who experience prolonged periods of sleep deprivation no write good the words after time. Very bad for the writing of the words, the people, they discovered.
After a particularly difficult post-spring break deluge of midterms, Karina Jacoby (W '19) was eager to seek some relief at Distrito happy hour with a group of girlfriends Thursday evening.
After 38 long minutes of investigation, Ryan Chakrabarti (C '20) confirmed that the grunting, panting, and moaning noises coming from his suitemate's room were the result of a deadlocked Wii tennis game, not a torrid love affair.
This Student Turned 21. You Won't Believe What Happened Next. (They Had to Pay for Their Own Drinks)
In the weeks leading up to her 21st birthday on February 11, Lauren Mancini (W '19) was practically glowing with excitement. "I had been waiting for this day since I was in high school," Lauren admitted, delicately swirling a modest glass of red wine at 4:30 in the afternoon. "I was so excited to not have to worry about my shitty fake ID getting taken from me or snapped in half by the bouncer at Smokes' anymore."
In a quiet, throaty aside muttered under his breath during a review session for an upcoming midterm exam, MATH 475 professor Dr. Howard Merchant revealed to his class that he has not blinked his eyes in 36 years.
OP-ED: I Don't Care What Team You Support in the Privacy of Your Own Home, But Don't Shove It in Our Faces
Last Sunday, the city of Philadelphia erupted into a frenzy after the Eagles, longtime underdogs of the NFL, won their first ever Super Bowl. Soon after, it was announced that there would be a city-wide celebration of the victory in the form of a parade on Thursday, an event so large that Drexel, Temple, and Penn all deemed it necessary to suspend operations for the day.
Penn students know full well that this school has truly earned its title as the "Social Ivy." The large, vibrant city of Philadelphia surrounds us on all sides, making downtowns, BYOs, and off-campus soirées the alcoholic and drug-laced glue that binds our student body together. It's something I love and appreciate about Penn. It's the reason I have friends and lovers to call my own.
While making polite small talk on the Amtrak to Union Station in Washington, D.C., Anna Yeoman (W '20) declined to clarify the truth when the elderly woman in the adjacent seat mistook "Penn" for Pennsylvania State University. "Yup, I go to Penn State," Yeoman confirmed after a short pause, during which time she stared blankly out the window past her seat partner and deliberately chose to dissociate herself from The Wharton School and its famous ties to America's First Family.
Professor Susan McMahon is what you might call a veteran veterinary professor: she is well-known for teaching canine medicine at Penn Veterinary School and has been a member of the faculty for over a decade. What most of her students don't know about her, however, is her passion for video games, particularly Nintendo DS games.
Penn President Amy Gutmann referred to the School of Arts and Sciences as a "total dump" during a Board of Trustees meeting Thursday night, sources say.
Sorority recruitment season is upon us, and freshman girls will soon line the icy streets in the hope of securing a coveted bid.
Reportedly wringing his hands in distress, Trevor Castellano (E '18) learned yesterday that he had finally exhausted the Penn Bookstore's gift selection for his family members.
Sometimes, you just cant help it: you're supposed to be engaged in the class material, or otherwise keeping detailed records of it, but your mind wanders off to a fantasy of you and your professor walking hand in hand into a mom-and-pop bookstore, or a large academic conference. Let's just face it. Your professor is hot.
According to a report released today, the world has officially reached capacity for boys named Matt.
If you hoist your jugs into a boobie-trap on the daily, you know that you can get away with a couple days of wear-and-tear before tossing it in the hamper. But sometimes the inconveniences of everyday life get in the way of our best intentions hygiene-wise, and we slip up on our laundry duties. If you're not quite sure whether your brassiere really warrants an "all clear," take this quiz to find out!