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Report: 90% of Premeds Would Definitely Eat Their Best Friends if Trapped on a Deserted Island

(05/07/18 2:12pm)

Many students hoping to pursue a career in medicine, surgery, and health cite altruistic reasons as their motives for choosing the rigorous premed track. Again and again, these students say they "want to make a difference in the world", "help others", and "buy [their] girlfriends a new Bugatti." 

Report: Girl Sitting on Toilet in VP Basement for Past 12 Hours, Waiting for Everybody to Leave So She Can Take a Peaceful Shit

(04/27/18 7:52am)

Like many other students, Victoria Lyons (C ‘20) has a very religious finals week routine: she wakes up, buys six iced coffees, spends 17 hours at a desk in the Van Pelt library basement, and then passes out on the nearest couch, only to do the same exact thing the next day.

Report: 9/10 Students Sitting on College Green Have Ants Crawling Up Their Butts

(04/24/18 11:57am)

East-Coasters everywhere rejoice! While Californians are still complaining about how cold it is outside, Alaskans and pretentious Canadians alike are setting their air conditioners to -60 degrees. Not everybody can be happy with perfect 70 degree weather, apparently. But hey, at least it’s not snowing in the middle of spring!

Glow Up: Former High School NHS President Makes it to 9 A.M. On Time for the First Time in Months

(04/25/18 4:33pm)

College freshman Carmen Lieberman used to be quite the overachiever in high school. With the titles of NHS president, class treasurer, FBLA regional vice president, and honorary teacher’s pet under her belt, Lieberman came into Penn confident and ready to tackle both academic and extracurricular challenges.

5 Reasons Why the Walmart Yodeling Kid Should be the Next Penn President

(04/12/18 10:03am)

1. He’ll revive Club Penguin for Penn students. Ever since Obama killed Club Penguin last year, people everywhere have been mourning the death of the iconic web game. Penn students especially were hit hard by the loss of Club Penguin. However, we have full confidence that Walmart yodeling boy will bring it back, just for our community.

Girl Typing Furiously at Front of Lecture Isn't Actually Taking Notes, Just Messaging 8 Group Chats at Once

(04/17/18 2:06pm)

Seated in the front row of all of her econ and poli sci classes, PPE senior Janae Lewis always has a Macbook and Venti Starbucks iced black coffee at hand. She types furiously in a caffeine—and sometimes Adderall—fueled daze. She nods at everything the professor says, somehow taking notes even when there’s nothing to take notes on.

OP-ED: I'm All for Sex Positivity, but Please Don't Bang Your Man at 5 AM on a Tuesday

(04/11/18 11:03am)

What isn't there to love about sex? Pleasure, passion, seductively whispering your Second Amendment rights to your partner—these are all things that we all enjoy and that shouldn't be stigmatized. I'm all for the destigmatization of sex, but Alice, please, don't aggressively bang your man during the wee hours of the morning before our CIS midterm.

Penn to No Longer Invest in Unethical and Unprofitable Ventures

(04/05/18 9:26pm)

This morning, administrators released a statement to the entire Penn community, stating that they would no longer invest in projects that were both unethical and unprofitable. The administration has never taken a stance on this issue until today, and the announcement came as a surprise to many. One student claimed that it was "even more unexpected than the decision to introduce flavored food into dining halls." 

Socially liberal, fiscally conservative, and sexually frustrated | How hooking up at Penn is harder as a conservative

(03/27/18 4:10am)

I saw her across my recitation classroom: blonde-haired, wearing a Vineyard Vines long-sleeve, and talking to her friend about the triumphs of classical, laissez-faire economics over Keynesian theory. She was the image of everything I’d ever dreamed about (except that she wasn’t wearing a Reagan-Bush ‘84 pin). The Zooey Deschanel to my 500 Days of Summer. After class, I tried to tell her that we were meant to be together.

Meet the Girl Who Modeled for ‘The WALK’ One Time and Is Dropping Out to Pursue a Modeling Career

(03/22/18 7:16pm)

Before this past week, Jocelyn was just like any other Econ major: ready to take a soul-crushing job at Bain or Goldman and pass off her degree from the College as one from Wharton. But in the middle of her last semester as a senior, Jocelyn made the decision to cut her academic career short.

OP-ED: No Thanks, I Don’t Want Adderall, My Hands Are Already Shaking from Talking in a Class Discussion

(02/20/18 9:46am)

Hey man, I know you’re just trying to help me get a jump start to my day, but I don’t need Adderall, I swear. I just got out of my 9 a.m. and I raised my hand to talk not just once, but two whole times. So my hands are already shaking from the natural high of talking in class.