This just doesn't feel quite right.
These senior columns are supposed to fit in with the whole graduation motif - you know, moving onto bigger and better things, reflecting on our time spent in the best damned windowless office on campus. It's our way of saying thanks to the paper, and the paper's way of thanking us.
That much I get.
But what I don't get is this: How the hell am I supposed to write this thing without any damn quotes?
Over the past four years, the real byline for my stories should have belonged to my tape recorder - it's the one that did all the dirty work.
In the end, that was what made my time at the DP so worthwhile: the conversations. And my old-school, beat-up, nondigital tape recorder with a finicky rewind button caught all of them.
It caught Floyd Mayweather, Jr. waxing about wing-eating. It caught Philly hoops guru Phil Martelli being his usual classy self, giving the time of day to a young reporter. Heck, it even caught Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter talking on the record about Sudoku.
But the best conversations were often the ones you would never expect.
I was thrilled when I got a chance to speak to a former idol of mine, veteran WWF wrestler Al Snow. But talking to an 18-year-old aspiring pro wrestler was even more insightful, and downright lump-in-your-throat touching.
I couldn't believe Mayweather took the time to talk to me the morning of Wing Bowl. But it was hearing "El Wingador," Philly's wing-eating icon, wistfully say goodbye to his sport that really made my day.
And as much as I enjoyed talking to former Penn hoopster Brian Grandieri about Monmouth's "mediocre flex" offense, his words about the charity he started in his friend's honor were more representative of what it really means to be a student-athlete.
But if my tape recorder could talk back for once, it would probably just tell me to find a new closing line for my interviews - "Thanks, that's all I've got for you unless you have anything else to add" gets lamer every time I hear myself say it.
Usually, that line gets a simple answer: "Nope."
But the most important lesson about how to be a journalist occurred after a novel response: "Yeah, I do. Turn that off."
My tape recorder wasn't privy to what was said next, but I remember it like it was yesterday.
I got an earful from a Penn coach about conducting a misleading interview and presenting an unfair story. Less-than-kind words were said, and to be perfectly honest, I probably deserved every one of them. I may not have meant to, but I had cast the coach in a light that wasn't fully deserved.
The next time the tape recorder went back on, the coach was nothing but cordial. I was repentant for any journalistic malfeasance, and he went back to treating me like the professional I wasn't. Lesson learned.
That was just one of many.
The old cliche says that in college, you learn more outside of the classroom than you do in it. Whoever said that probably doesn't spend too much time around Penn Engineers, but I do know that I probably learned more holding my recorder than holding an econ textbook.
I learned, first and foremost, that a rewind button is a privilege, not a right, and that classic cassettes are better than digital every day of the week.
And while my tape recorder taught me public speaking and interpersonal communication better than the Annenberg School ever could, those weren't the most important lessons I learned, either.
The lessons I'll remember are about the Cover 2 defense, the politics behind buying mascot suits, how to break a man zone, the ins and outs of the gay rugby scene and so many others.
I'm eternally grateful to my tape recorder, the people I've interviewed, and above all, my colleagues at the DP for being there with me along the way.
The DP has helped me connect with the Penn Athletics community, the City of Philadelphia and countless unsung individuals with a story to tell. Even after we take that long last lap at Franklin Field Monday, that's something I will never forget.
So, one last time:
Thanks, that's all I've got for you.
David Bernstein is a 2009 College graduate from Washington. His e-mail address is bernstein@dailypennsylvanian.com
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