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Joke Issue: AComm's Eric Dolan a player to be named later in Van Dyke deal

Ending months of speculation, Penn Athletics confirmed on Monday that former Associate Director of Athletic Communications Eric Dolan is the player to be named later in the 2015 trade with Stanford that landed women’s soccer coach Nicole Van Dyke in University City.

“Clearly I didn’t make this move willingly,” Dolan said in a phone interview from a beach just outside Palo Alto, Calif.



Joke Issue: Penn track star Sam Mattis suspended for throwing coach

In a surprising turn of events, Penn track and field’s throwing star Sam Mattis was suspended by the USTFCCCA for throwing his coach, Tony Tenisci, a whopping 68.12 meters at last weekend’s Penn Challenge.

Anyone who reads the sports section of the Daily Pennsylvanian would know that Mattis throws heavy things often.



DPOSTM beats DPOSTM in blizzard, 36-35

"The only thing DPOSTM has to fear is DPOSTM itself," Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, probably.

Fresh off its undocumented 10th straight win in the annual Kamin Cup, DPOSTM took to high-rise field on Saturday afternoon facing blistering conditions.




JOKE ISSUE | BREAKING: Penn student attends sporting event

PHILADELPHIA — She had no idea where she was.

Freshman Ilana Bernstein ventured out Wednesday afternoon, looking to find "yet another boring history recitation." But what she found was more shocking and appalling to her than any TA could ever be: a Penn sporting event.

"It was honestly the most scarring thing I've seen at Penn," Bernstein said.


JOKE ISSUE | Penn Relays Carnival moving to Penn State

As if the consistent national athletic attention and overwhelming adoration from Pennsylvania’s adolescent population wasn’t enough, Penn State has gained another round of ammo to hold against its longtime Philadelphia rival.

To the surprise of the tens of collegiate track and field fans on campus, Penn President Amy Gutmann announced on Tuesday that the historic Penn Relays will be moving to Penn State.

“Does this in any way affect Fling?” asked one particularly devoted supporter during Calhoun’s ensuing question and answer session.

In what can only be described as one of the great clerical mix-ups in the history of track and field, the first annual Relays — which was held in 1895 — was mistakenly held at Penn and not Penn State, as the events bylaws originally intended.


DPOSTM comes from behind, wins Kamin Cup as always

Junior quarterback Riley Darrel Steele provided the heroics, throwing for six touchdowns and running for another to lead DPOSTM to a thrilling 63-56 comeback victory over the Weenies. The win marks Sports’ ninth straight victory in the annual rivalry.


DPOSTM looking to top Weenies for ninth straight time

After being named Rookie of the Year after last season’s Cup, Matt Mantica is looking to ‘disrupt’ Sports’ offense as the new man in charge. The former Quidditch star has a few tricks up his sleeve while he tries to make his side relevant in the game.





Joke Issue: Field Hockey to get new field

On Tuesday, Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky announced he would be installing an AstroTurf field in the Penn Park space between the tennis courts and the South Street Bridge.


*Wrestling | Peterkin packs on pounds

Rollie Peterkin stepped onto the electronic scale, unsure of what he might see. The red digits on the scale's display proceeded to flash convulsively. In less than five seconds, the display read "Error." Here, in the Penn wrestling team's Pottruck Wrestling Complex next to the Palestra, Peterkin decided to try the other scale.

*From the spotlight to the fluorescent light

This was where David Whitehurst was meant to be. The former Penn basketball player, who has not played in two years due to academic ineligibility, was a starter on an NCAA Tournament team, scored 15 points on national television against Duke in 2005 and was the Quakers' best athlete.

*Brown learns gyroball to help in love life, pitching

Former Penn closer Doug Brown may have found the secret to revive his pitching career. And believers in baseball's new mystical pitch may have to look no further than Meiklejohn Stadium. Brown has learned how to throw a "gyroball," a pitch allegedly invented by an Asian physicist and thrown by new Red Sox starter Daisuke Matsuzaka.

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