It seems that the Lions have turned the tables on Penn and become the poachers. Only a month after Penn football legend Al Bagnoli was announced as Columbia’s new coach, recently-fired Penn basketball coach Jerome Allen has followed suit, taking over the Light Blue program in the aftermath of a middling campaign. Allen was profuse in his praise for his new employer. “I’m not here to praise Columbia,” he said. The announcement — which followed a series of incognito meetings between the former Penn star and Columbia brass — took many by surprise, including former Lions head coach, Kyle Smith. “Excuse,” said a bewildered Smith when informed by Columbia that his services would not longer be needed.

As if the consistent national athletic attention and overwhelming adoration from Pennsylvania’s adolescent population wasn’t enough, Penn State has gained another round of ammo to hold against its longtime Philadelphia rival. To the surprise of the tens of collegiate track and field fans on campus, Penn President Amy Gutmann announced on Tuesday that the historic Penn Relays will be moving to Penn State. “Does this in any way affect Fling?” asked one particularly devoted supporter during Calhoun’s ensuing question and answer session. In what can only be described as one of the great clerical mix-ups in the history of track and field, the first annual Relays — which was held in 1895 — was mistakenly held at Penn and not Penn State, as the events bylaws originally intended.

The Daily Pennsylvanian: We have a very special guest interview today. Could you please state your name for the readers? Hermann the Mum Star Rabbit: My name is HERMANN THE MUM STAR RABBIT! DP: Thank you Hermann.

The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual gag issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today.

America is dropping the ball. Just about every week there is a story about how someone is abusing their right to live in the United States.

After a week of dealing with the consequences of nearly a foot of flooding, residents of Gregory College House have finally received help.

The Office of the Vice Provost for University Life announced that Jeremy Lin may soon fill the vacant position of Pan-Asian American Community House director.

The Daily Pennsylvanian’s annual gag issue has a long history, of which another chapter has been written today.

Huntsman Hall security escorted a Wharton freshman out of the building after he screamed “obscenities down the hall” when he was eliminated from Wharton’s annual school-wide assassins game, Hostile Takeover.

Yesterday afternoon, Penn Athletics Director of Facilities Noah Gustkey discovered that someone had deflated the seasonal air structure that covered the Dunning-Cohen Champions Field.

After publishing our first little number on grinding. — we’ve reevaluated how we stand on this mating ritual: to the front, to the back and to the side.

Though it was expected that Knapp would opt for ACL and MCL reconstructive surgery after the season, the can-do senior, who led Penn to its best start in program history, decided she wasn’t ready to give up basketball just yet.

Despite a standout Ivy League career, point guard Zack Rosen is facing plenty of doubts about whether he can take his talents to the NBA.

After being snubbed from the NCAA Tournament with a 29-7 record, the Dragons have been invited to join the Big 5 and replace Penn as the token member on 33rd Street.

The Quakers will have another shot at postseason play tomorrow night against College House intramural champions, the Stouffer Mayers, in the first round of the Penn Rec Invitational.

What was supposed to be a perfect night in the Palestra turned out to be anything but.

I used to think hard work was like working at a restaurant: if I put in enough hours, I would receive what I want. High school was pretty much the same story. I would work hard and cash my efforts in for a handful of As at the end of every semester. But college is different.