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BREAKING: Katie Not Participating in Valentine’s Day Due to Its Dirty Eurocentric Capitalist Agenda and Also She's Single

(02/13/18 5:17pm)

After intense deliberation and thoughtful discourse, Katie Williams (C ’20) decided she would not participate in Valentine's Day this year. Her final decision was predicated mostly on the harmful and discriminatory history of the holiday, and also the fact that Katie is very much single so it doesn’t matter anyway.


'I’m a Tea Addict!' Laughs Sophomore Who Consumes an Average of Five Alcoholic Drinks a Day

(02/10/18 6:31pm)

There are two types of people in this world: those who drink coffee, and those who drink tea. Lauren Cohen (W '20) is 100% a tea girl. Cohen will drink tea at almost every meal. She will have tea with breakfast, tea after a three-course Italian dinner, and sometimes even a second tea to accompany the tea she is already drinking. Yes, Cohen is a full-on tea addict. Also, she consumes an average of five alcoholic drinks a day.


Amazing! Sophomore Managed to Run Through Every Embarrassing Moment in Her Life on Walk to 9 AM Spanish Class

(01/29/18 7:33am)

The skill and complexity of Penn students are often hard for those outside the Penn bubble to even begin to conceptualize. On a standard stroll down Locust Walk, you could meet an up-and-coming filmmaker who is also dedicated to community service, a talented vocalist who is also pre-med, or even a basketball star who is curing cancer. Although there are many talented Quakers, one of the standouts in this competitive and accomplished environment is Kaitlin Rogers (C '20) who is able to recall every single embarrassing moment in her life on her way to 9 am Spanish class.


Wow! Junior Who Clearly Hasn’t Done Readings Still Manages to Be Condescending in Seminar

(01/31/18 7:30pm)

Early Wednesday morning in the 10:30 am Urban Studies seminar ‘Affordable Housing in a Global City,' Brandon Schifrin accomplished a feat like no other. During a conversation on chapter four of the textbook focusing on affordable housing in Latin America, classmate Jenna Espinoza made an insightful comment about the ‘Juntos Nos Levantamos’ Housing project in Buenos Aires, Argentina. 


PRESIDENTIAL: Sophomore’s Health 'Excellent' Despite Tater-Tot-And-Four-Loko-Only Diet

(01/19/18 6:12am)

After a heavy campaign from “the haters” and a long wait for answers, doctors from the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania released Abby Johnson’s (E '20) full Medical Examination on Thursday afternoon. Contrasting popular belief, the exam confirmed that “Abby’s health is excellent,” despite her diet, made up exclusively of Tater-Tots and Four Lokos, and no record of physical activity in recent memory.



Freshman Doing Recruitment Not Planning on Pledging Sorority, Just Loves Small Talk

(01/13/18 6:22pm)

Walking around campus this past week, sorority rush stood out like a sore thumb. Droves of freshman and sophomore women were standing outside in the cold, waiting to be let into the sorority houses with the possibility of one day becoming a sister. The range of reasons as to what had brought each Ivy League student to the rain covered steps of these sorority houses varied greatly. For some it was the hopes of finding a bigger group of friends, for some it was the appeal of parties and a bigger social life, but for Abby Gallagher (C '21), it was small talk. Abby is obsessed with small talk.




How to Love Him Even After He Pronounces Jalapeño With a Hard J

(12/07/17 3:46pm)

Relationships are complicated and take work. The longer you stay with someone, the more you start to discover and dwell on their flaws. Just the other day, you went to grab tacos with your boyfriend for the first time. Here are 6 ways keep the love alive even after you realized he pronounces jalapeño with a hard J.


Breaking: Van Pelt Reconsidering Bag Check Policy After Discovering Bags With Multiple Pockets

(11/30/17 5:47am)

Earlier today, Thursday, November 30, at 10 am, UTB was informed by the Penn administration that they would be re-structuring the Van Pelt bag check policy. This news comes just days after a senior library staffer, Elizabeth Hurwitz, discovered the concept of bags with multiple pockets.


“Its High Time You Start Thinking About the Environment” Says Girl Who’s Still Pretty Shaky on What Can Go in Recycling

(11/28/17 8:56am)

Real life heroes are never like how they appear in storybooks. In life, heroes don’t ride in on white horses to save the day. They aren’t perfect citizens who always make the right choice. Heroes are messy and they are complicated, but they are heroes nonetheless. College sophomore Lindsay Rosen is no exception. While she's a strong advocate for the environment in every personal conversation she ever engages in, Lindsay has a very weak grasp on how her exorbitant amounts of trash can be recycled.


OP-ED: Joe Biden Is Obsessed With Me

(11/17/17 5:18pm)

Joe Biden. To many, he is one of the most inspirational progressives of our time. He was the 47th vice president of the United States, and with President Obama led the country on a fight for an America that worked for all her citizens. He has devoted his life to public service, championing causes like health care reform, gun regulation, and women’s rights. I agree that he's amazing, which is why I just think it's funny that he is OBSESSED WITH ME.



Sustainability Win! This Girl Only Wears Clothes She Stole from Her Roommate

(11/09/17 4:14am)

With stronger storms like hurricane Harvey and Hurricane Maria occurring with increased frequency due to rising ocean temperatures, it is clear the threat of global warming is imminent. As President Trump and the Republican Party take a decidedly passive, if not regressive, stance toward environmental policy, America’s ability to help mitigate climate change has been left up to individual communities and actors.




This Girl Flushed 5 Times But Swears It Was Just the Motion Detector

(11/03/17 3:42am)

Emily Johnston (C '19) recalls standing by the sink in a Huntsman bathroom when she heard the first flush. “I had just finished washing my hands when I heard the toilet do its thing. Thinking nothing of it, I went to get a paper towel,” Johnston said in an exclusive interview outside Steinberg-Dietrich Hall. “As I was about to get a paper towel, I heard it again. I don't often raise an eyebrow to the sound of two flushes, but I stood still for a second, waiting for the familiar sound of the opening stall door. I wanted to know who my bathroom companion was.” That was the moment she remembers everything changing.