BREAKING: Penn Freshman Arrested for Throwing Toast at Super Bowl
(02/05/18 8:47am)
It’s been a tough day for College freshman James Stern.
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REPORT: Congress Accomplished Slightly More Than Penn’s UA in 2017
(01/30/18 9:00pm)
A true battle for the ages.
OP-ED: I Won't Eat Tide Pods, Because My Fucking Roommate Jeff Used All of Them
(01/24/18 3:21pm)
We’ve all heard of this new trend, right? People being dared to put Tide pods in their mouth and ending up with severe poisoning. Despite all the precautions that have been put out there, idiots across the world continue to eat these colorful balls of poisonous, deadly detergent. I for one, refuse to partake in this trend… but not for the reasons you might think.
Student Uses New Academic Planner for a Record Four Days
(01/24/18 4:06pm)
With the arrival of the new semester comes classic traditions and newfound interests. For College sophomore Jennifer Roberts, the new semester is marked by one primary event — the purchase of a brand new academic planner.
'Finals Were Brutal This Year,' Says Guy Who Had Two Take-Home Literature Exams
(12/22/17 12:33am)
Most people at Penn work hard, but finals season always separates the most exceptional (and busy) students from the rest. Victor Palmer (C ‘20), a Pittsburgh native, has faced more a far more grueling, demanding end of the semester than the majority of his peers.
BREAKING: Penn Dining Introduces Flavored Food
(11/16/17 6:58am)
As numerous students are working out their meal plans for the upcoming semester by exchanging swipes and using up all their dining dollars, Penn Dining is making a groundbreaking move to change the dining landscape permanently.
Wow! Guy On Ultimate Frisbee Team Is Actually Pretty Athletic
(11/08/17 4:30pm)
It’s difficult for many college students to stay in shape and remain healthy while balancing all of their commitments. It’s even more difficult to do so while not playing a real sport.
Guy Who Didn’t Do The Readings Just “Piggybacking Off Your Point There”
(10/31/17 7:33am)
In a series of bold moves that left dozens awestruck and countless others marveling at his intelligence, College sophomore Frank Lee has reportedly provided thoughtful and insightful commentary in a discussion-based recitation, despite never having done the readings or attended class.
Junior Finally Shuts Down Fake Nonprofit She Used to Get Into Penn
(10/23/17 9:05pm)
It’s been quite a sombre day for Juliet Smith (C ’19). Sources report that the once-ambitious student has been forced to officially shut down and cease all operations for the nonprofit that she started while in high school.
Penn Accidentally Hires English-Speaking Math Professor
(10/22/17 4:55am)
As midterm season is in full swing, countless Penn students are undoubtedly complaining about their professors and their various incompetencies. Unfortunately for students taking math courses, these problems are only about to get worse.
BREAKING: Off-Campus Beer Pong Matches Now Require Professional Referees
(10/09/17 7:18am)
Despite Penn Police having consistently enforced the task force's new set of guidelines, the university has just announced yet another regulation restricting off-campus events.
Engineering Student Already Has “Way More Work than You”
(10/11/17 3:59am)
Midterm season has finally arrived, and this means that students are beginning to spend long nights studying, reviewing, and hopefully acing their exams. For some students, however, their extensive workload makes academic success a difficult endeavor.
BREAKING: Police Shut Down Intense Off-Campus Yu-Gi-Oh Tournament
(09/29/17 10:26pm)
Penn’s recent initiative to minimize off-campus social gatherings has undoubtedly been a ruthless endeavor, as they have shut down events ranging from the lactose-rich Mac & Phis event, to the pity party on 41st and Locust. However, perhaps no group has been hit harder than the participants of this week's Yu-Gi-Oh tournament on 41st and Pine.
Penn Football Demolishes Pee-Wee Team in Toughest Matchup of the Year
(09/26/17 12:13am)
The athletic season has officially kicked off, and Penn’s teams have begun playing matches in front of tens of adoring fans. Penn's football team has faced an unprecedentedly difficult schedule this year, but has managed to rally in spite of this adversity.
Heartbreaking: Professional Bartender Serving Cheap Beer at Registered Parties
(09/24/17 4:19pm)
It is no secret that many people have been impacted by Penn’s new task force and its stringent policies. Countless students have complained about the rules regarding alcoholic substances, and the mandatory use of bartenders and campus-sponsored staff at all parties. But perhaps no person has been hit harder than Charles Reynolds.
Club Members Excited to See Each Other for First Time Since Last September
(09/20/17 10:12pm)
It’s going to be an exciting week for the members of one of Penn’s most prominent clubs.
Frat Erupts Into Applause After Freshman Replies “Going” to Party
(09/13/17 5:05pm)
For many, being in a fraternity is an incredible experience filled with joy, laughter, and great memories. Today, the the brothers of Lambda Iota Theta likely felt all these feelings and many more, as they received the most phenomenal news of their lives. Reports indicate that College freshman Trevor Ruben has just responded on Facebook that he will be “going” to the frat’s party this upcoming Friday.
Wharton Freshman Already Lines Up Junior Year Internship
(09/05/17 5:52am)
The fall semester has just started, and that means that recruiting season is upon us. In the next few months, hundreds of Penn undergraduates will be selling their souls to companies like Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, and any other combination of two Jewish surnames.
Five Months Later, Administrators Find Fossil Free Penn Still Sitting in College Hall
(09/02/17 6:23pm)
With a new semester come new friends, new classes, and of course, new protests. Some protesters come and go, like the religious preachers, but other groups are much more committed.
Lame Incoming Freshman Ready to "Totally Reinvent" Himself
(08/07/17 6:43pm)
For some, the first days of college mark an uncomfortable time for students to reconcile their own identities with a dramatic change of settings. For incoming freshman Chris Richards, however, it’s an opportunity to completely change his personality to become the stud he always wanted to be.