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6 New Year's Resolutions That Scream 'I Feel Like I've Stagnated and Can No Longer Achieve Meaningful Personal Growth At Penn'

(01/12/18 8:46am)

It's January 1st, you're outwardly excited for the New Year and thrilled to set out some fresh goals to prove to everyone else that you're a person who's constantly evolving. Unfortunately, no one's buying the illusion of growth that you're putting forward. If you've got any of these New Year's Resolutions, I sincerely apologize for blowing up your spot.


Gluten-Free Students Outraged Over New Bread-ing Days

(12/14/17 6:36pm)

With finals season now in full gear and Philly’s population of pettable dogs in radically short supply (probably), the University is being forced to get creative with events that will assuage students’ stress in this trying time. Reading Days, the two day period where Penn students are finally allowed to read the books posted on their course syllabi after a semester-long blackout period, have historically been a time when students are forced to make hard choices with their time commitments. But this semester, University administration is looking to shake things up and smooth out the transition from Reading Days into finals period by giving students the chance to catch a breather.


Sophomore Complimented On Ugly Christmas Sweater Actually Really Liked It

(12/11/17 6:38am)

When Larry Michaels (C '20) went home for winter break after his first semester at Penn, he desperately needed to decompress. After an overwhelming semester with more lows than highs, Larry yearned for some of the simple pleasures in life. He knew that he needed to ground himself by spending some quality time with his family.


11 Days of Class Left for Guy Who Insists He Has Plenty of Time to Fix Grades

(11/27/17 3:27pm)

With the school year rapidly dwindling away, Penn students everywhere are doing everything in their power to survive the overwhelming whirlwind that is finals season. While some spent their Thanksgiving holiday holed up in their childhood rooms, cramming for impending exams, and frantically calculating the lowest scores that they could get while still securing an A, one fearless sophomore is playing the long game.


SHS Unveils New LaTeX Contraceptive For SEAS Students

(11/19/17 9:19pm)

In the face of turbulent healthcare laws, universities across America are making tough choices when it comes to birth control coverage. Faced with an ever tightening budget, Student Health Services must be more creative to ensure that Penn students can practice safe sex. Luckily, advances in modern science and text formatting are making it easier than ever to help students avoid having to make hard decisions. Never again will a specious allergy allow someone to weasel their way out of safe sexual practices.





Wharton Genius Buys Every Basketball Jersey in Philly for Halloween

(10/15/17 5:56pm)

With Halloweekend just a few weeks away, Penn students are scrambling to bring together unremarkable “zombie,” “sexy librarian,” and “college student” costumes. But this time around, one Wharton junior is thinking outside the box. After seeing some of the other business ventures his fellow Whartonites were pursuing, Marcus Samuelson (W’19) identified yet another opportunity for arbitrage.


Whoops! Penn Accidentally Raised Amy G’s Rent and Now She’s Homeless

(10/12/17 9:46pm)

Recently, students have been highly critical of the University’s decisions on all sorts of policies governing student life. Continuing on this trend of ineptitude, it looks like the administration still can’t catch a break this week. Sadly, Penn Facilities & Real Estate Services has hiked up Amy Gutmann’s rent so much that she can’t afford to live on campus anymore. It looks like it’s a bad day to be President of the University of Pennsylvania!


New Capogyro Cart Transforms Penn Food Truck Game

(10/09/17 7:23am)

In the diverse and highly competitive world of Penn food trucks, it’s becoming harder and harder to differentiate from the pack. But one wayward but intrepid businessman is looking to break the mold and revolutionize dining in University City. Just a week after leaving its old location on Walnut Street, the former Capogiro is making its triumphant, completely reimagined return as a Gelato-Halal fusion food cart.


Earthshaking: Guy Who Only Talks About Being From New York Going Back to The City for Break

(10/05/17 7:54pm)

After leaving so many familiar faces back home last month, Nathaniel Simmons (W’ 21) is ready to leave the backwater city of Philadelphia in favor of greener pastures. Like the prodigal son returning home, he’s heading back to New York for break and he’s got to let everyone know about it. At every turn in his first 5 weeks on campus Nat has been sure to mention that he's from the Big Apple.




Hero Cop Saves Lactose Intolerant Students in Audacious Mac N Phis Bust

(09/19/17 7:17am)

When Penn Police Officer Bob Johnson received a cheese-related noise complaint at 39th and Spruce on his police scanner on Saturday night, he knew that there was no time for backup. Even though he’d heard stories of Penn’s rampant drug culture, He hadn't expected to run in to such an extreme example of substance abuse occurring right under his nose. With a level of courage that’s usually only reserved for prime time television, Bob raided the Beta house at 12:30 am to put an end to the milk-fueled madness.


Freshman Pulls First All-Nighter, Just to Get It Over With

(09/11/17 8:05pm)

Penn’s competitive culture often forces students to oscillate between struggling to maintain Penn face and getting into heated debates over who’s more exhausted. Only two weeks in, one intrepid freshman couldn’t take the suspense of waiting until late September to get into Penn’s infamous midterm season, so he took matters into his own hands. 



WOW! This Genius is Taking a Gender Studies Class to Meet Girls!

(09/07/17 7:09pm)

People often deride Penn’s hookup culture for being toxic and degrading towards women. Nevertheless, one courageous sophomore is looking to break the mold. With more and more millennials eschewing relationships in favor of dating apps like Tinder or sending blind shots in the dark to meet their next fling, Bruce Painter (C’ 20) is embracing his place as a modern day Casanova by taking a Gender Studies class to get with girls. Incredible!