Four Ways to Make a String-And-Can Telephone to Cheat on Finals
(05/01/18 4:28am)
1. Use a string from the string store and a can from the can store.
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Honest Mistake: Robert Kurzban Thought His Class Roster Was a List of Cute Singles in the Area
(04/26/18 3:17pm)
Robert Kurzban, the Penn psychology professor currently in the news for having romantic relationships with his students, has finally given an explanation for his actions.
OP-ED: I'm a Member of One of the Mendicant Orders Founded in the Twelfth Century. Stop Appropriating My Name for Your Senior Society.
(04/26/18 11:04am)
I’m a friar.
Penn Students Now Bandwagon Fans of Every Philadelphia Sports Team Except the Phillies
(04/20/18 5:44am)
There was a time when Penn students cared about Philadelphia’s sports teams as little as they cared about Penn’s.
This Master Barterer Traded up From a Ferrari to a Pool Party Wristband
(04/17/18 1:17pm)
It started with a lowly Ferrari.
Simply Chaos Comedian Takes on Taboo Subject of Masturbation
(04/12/18 10:25am)
When it comes to pushing the boundaries of what’s acceptable to talk about in public, College sophomore and Simply Chaos comedian Jonathan Andrews has never been one to shy away.
L'Chaim! Commons Served Nothing but Cool Ranch Matzah for Eight Days to Commemorate Moses' Munchies
(04/08/18 9:55am)
1920 Commons dining hall served only Cool Ranch-flavored matzah for the eight days of Passover as a way to celebrate the Jewish holiday, and to provide dietary options for those observing it.
CAPS Funding Increase Revealed to Be April Fools' Joke
(04/02/18 9:36pm)
President Amy Gutmann announced Monday that the funding increase for Counseling and Psychological Services was in fact the administration’s April Fools’ Day prank this year.
Host Shortage Forces 300 Prospective Freshmen to Sleep on College Green
(04/17/18 2:17pm)
College Green was covered in sleeping high school seniors Thursday night, as a lack of willing hosts forced Quaker Days attendees to embrace the great outdoors.
In defense of pledging | Here's why people can't form true friendships unless they eat bullfrogs together.
(03/27/18 4:04am)
My eyes were squeezed shut. I pinched my nose as tight as I could, hoping no smells could get in. I took a deep breath, then another one and then another one. But that’s not interesting.
Penn to Increase 2019-2020 Tuition to $100,000 Because 'It Was Going to Happen Eventually'
(03/18/18 11:12pm)
Penn will raise its undergraduate tuition to $100,000 next year, the Board of Trustees announced Tuesday.
Professor Gets Wrong Idea From Student After Being Taken to Lunch, Ends up Heartbroken
(03/16/18 4:31pm)
Under the Button recently received leaked screenshots of an email correspondence between one well-intentioned, but ultimately misleading, student and one hopelessly romantic professor. The emails, in all their heartbreaking glory, are reprinted below.
Wharton Senior Makes Millions off Butter Substitute Substitute 'I Can't Believe It's Not I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'
(03/12/18 4:29pm)
If this isn’t Pennovation, nothing is.
Student Studies in Huntsman Under a Full Moon, Sprouts Gelled Hair and a Well-Fitting Suit
(02/28/18 8:08am)
JOURNAL ENTRY: Wilson Chen, 1/31/18
Underachiever Drops Class After Getting 'A' on Midterm
(02/27/18 10:25am)
Known underachiever and College sophomore Glenn Mavis has dropped CHEM 245 after receiving an ‘A’ on the first midterm, according to a report that leaked Wednesday.
Frat Brother Arrested for Copyright Infringement After Hosting Green Eggs and Kegs
(02/23/18 4:37pm)
Alpha Beta Alpha brother Chad Williams always thought of himself as a law-abiding kid. He never stole a car, he never murdered his brother, and he never, ever created a lawn chair-based pyramid scheme. In fact, besides doing a little coke here and there, Williams had always stayed on the right side of the law.
Psycho or Genius? Tyler Drank Milk
(02/19/18 3:30pm)
Oh, yeah. Oooh, yeah, baby. He did it. That absolute psycho Tyler drank milk.
Van Pelt to Install Full-Body Scanners at Exit
(02/23/18 4:22pm)
Citing substandard security, Van Pelt Library director Bob Glass announced on Saturday that Van Pelt is planning to install full-body scanners at the library’s exit.
Freshman Changes Last Name to Rockefeller to Improve Chances of Getting Into Castle
(02/11/18 7:46pm)
Randy Goldberg had a problem: he wanted to live in a castle, but didn’t have the connections or money to join the only Castle on campus. He knew that if he wanted to fulfill his dream, he had to take action.
Breaking the Fourth Wall: Under the Button Writer Pens Article About Breaking the Fourth Wall
(02/06/18 5:41am)
Yes, it’s true: I am currently writing an article about breaking the fourth wall.