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Hey! Long time no see! I feel like we haven’t talked—like really talked— in forever. I thought I would reach out so we can find a time to catch up, just me and you, and chat about what’s new in our lives. Oh, and my boyfriend Jonathan will be there too.
Notable loner and College sophomore Harrison Shawfield was spotted last Monday smoking a cigarette outside Saxbys during a torrential downpour. “Have you ever noticed how fake people are?” Shawfield inquired after beckoning us over through the curtain of rain.
While many students relish the easy access to caffeine on campus, College sophomore Nick Alms takes an unprecedented stance. “There are too many Starbucks shops on campus,” Alms said boldly. “It came to me in a dream—this thought. While everyone else is out there following the herd, mobile ordering their Caramel Macchiatos, I’ll be out here alone, in search of something better.”
A person’s hairstyle speaks volumes. Stick straight hair can say “I mean business,” or “I have a lot of time on my hands.” A drastic buzzcut can let the world know you like to take risks, or maybe that you got lice from a dirty mattress in the Quad.
College sophomore Leila Michaels got a taste of reality while browsing her social media feeds last Wednesday. At 10:48 a.m., Michaels realized she had exhausted her excused absences for her Introduction to Environmental Studies recitation.
Feeling a little off these days? Third chakra out of alignment? Not allergic to anything but maybe feel a little weird sometimes after consuming your body weight in dairy products? Just want to be a part of something?
Unlike less eco-conscious Penn students, Environmental Studies sophomore David Friedman is doing his part to save our planet. “It’s disgusting how much waste we produce on campus,” Friedman said. “It’s time to make a change.”
“Boat race!” Anna Michaels (C ‘19) exclaimed cheerfully last Tuesday night as she downed a glass of Barefoot Moscato alone in her apartment. “What’s better than a little friendly competition after a rough day of classes?” she said, pouring herself another glass.
A recent Penn study concluded that 100 percent of all undergraduate Architecture majors can, in fact, identify the Eiffel Tower.
Big moves: a few intrepid Wharton students have teamed up to change the world forever. The front man of the group, Anthony Furman (W ‘19) explained that his seminar to end the middle class was a long time coming. “Let’s just finish what we started,” he said. “It’s not that radical when you really think about it.”
Econ 264 Professor Michael Daniels grew suspicious after tragedy struck one of his students, Rebecca Burton (C ‘20), for the fifth time this semester, preventing her from completing her second midterm paper.
Miracles do happen—after 8 course credits, Visual Studies junior Naomi Kahn has finally learned to see. “Don’t get me wrong,” said Kahn, “I’ve always been able to see, but now I know how to see.”
Emily Brockton (C ‘20) boarded her flight last Friday afternoon with a plan. After just barely making it through this round of midterms, Brockton made a promise to herself to get started on her spring break work during her six hour flight home to Los Angeles.
Melissa Reitman (C ‘21) is not like other girls. “I’ve been giving back my whole life,” Reitman said. “When I came out of the womb, I asked my doctors if they needed any help finishing up.”
Emergency services were notified last night of a potentially unconscious student in Riepe College House. A concerned bystander reported the incident after reading a comment left by Rachel Beyers (C '19) on an Instagram post by Lily Fitz (W '19).
Religious Studies Professor Michael Gordon took an unorthodox approach to his Introduction to Buddhism course this semester. Tired of hearing students complain about his confusing exams and weighting system, Gordon decided to simplify the grading process. “Reach Nirvana or you fail,” said Gordon. “I don’t think I could be more clear.”
Dear Penn Undergraduates,
It's a sad time for College senior Brian Friedman. He got the shock of his life last week after finding out that Feb Club is not 31, not 30, but 28 days. “At first I assumed I must have miscounted,” said Friedman. “No matter which way I ran the numbers, it seems like there are really only 28 events.”
College freshman Grant Bach is grappling with a challenging dilemma. “When you join a fraternity, you join a brotherhood,” said Bach. “So if you hook up with a guy in your fraternity, aren’t you hooking up with your brother? Is that morally okay? I’m honestly really confused.”
Last Friday night, Wharton freshman Megan Richards was asked to take a lap before entering a party at campus fraternity Eta Beta Phi. Though it isn’t uncommon to be turned away from a crowded party, Richards expected easy entry due to a connection to one of the fraternity’s pledges, College freshman Ethan Simpson.