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Hey, cool glasses! Warby Parker? I love glasses, that famous type of eyewear seen on Sigmund Freud and Harry Potter alike. I'm sure other people have worn them, too. When it comes to glasses, I'm well acquainted with their function and prevalence in society.
Three years ago, Penn was forced to shut down its controversial and expensive Rodent Decision Laboratory when it came to light that four million dollars had been spent on cocaine for rats, who had formed fraternities and built sweet houses inside their mazes. The rats were partying and not even trying to complete any objectives. Now, Penn is in hot water again for "irresponsible" spending and "unethical" experimentation on animals.
False Imprisonment
Leaving home is never easy, but it's a whole lot harder when you're saying goodbye to your furry, four-legged best friend, too. At least, that's usually the case.
At this point, most freshmen have taken their first midterm. Not Benji Zucker, College freshman from Tallahassee, FL. Zucker, whose class schedule is far easier than most of his classmates, has blithely floated through college life by turning in the occasional reading response and pretending to do his reading. Then, he stepped on the Compass.
Unknown Crime
Faith in humanity = restored.
Penn's administration recently unveiled its new set of guidelines for social events, in the wake of heavy criticism regarding events being shut down. The guidelines are reproduced in full below.
Everybody loves "Weird Al" Yankovic, but no one loves him as much as you do. The only issue is how to demonstrate the depth of your adoration for Alfred Matthew "Weird Al" Yankovic, America's most handsome accordionist, to your professor. Here are some tips.
Senior year is a time for growth and maturation; seniors are on the cusp of true adulthood.
Having some prior knowledge on the topic of a class is one thing, but what if you've lived through it?
The brothers of St. Anthony Hall (Delta Psi) can add another feather to their caps: the fraternity just became Penn's first to become sponsored by a soft-drink company.
Attempted Robbery
There's no place like first place. Last week, the DP reported that Penn had been ranked the 10th best university in the world. Now, Penn has been upgraded to number one— by my parents.
Last May, one thing dominated the collective psyche of millennial America. Articles, videos, memes, advertisements; you couldn't go anywhere without being reminded of the male romper. Often, it was derided; an example of fashion gone off the rails, mocked for its name and perceived femininity. Some saw it differently: a liberating yet simple article of clothing, one that bucked conventions and looked good, too. Wharton sophomore Reggie Myoria fit into the latter category.
Just moments after railing an almost-certainly unsafe amount of cocaine off the seat of a toilet in the bathroom of a local bar, Wharton junior Max Ansano embarked on a rant to a friend about how unsafe Philadelphia tap water is.
Who said the first day of class has to be boring?
Yikes. Is this guy new?
Hey dude, how's it going? Me and four of my friends are here on our first night of NSO, looking to have a good time. You mind if we go in?
When it comes to NSO, one thing is certain: there's a lot of uncertainty. Freshmen are experiencing many things for the first time, from making friends from across the world to attending a college party. Whether you're using NSO to reinvent yourself as a cool college kid, or dreading the number of hands you'll shake, this guide will help you navigate the ups and downs of orientation.