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As the summer comes to an end, I’m left thinking about all the classes I have left to take before I graduate. It’s an overwhelming number, really, and it bums me out that I spent the whole summer working as a lifeguard after only getting an offer from Apple, when I could have been using that time doing something more productive. If only it were possible to take classes at Penn during the summer…
It’s that time of year when Penn students are just getting settled in at their summer jobs. But settling in can lead to getting to comfortable, which could lead to your coworkers hating you. Take this quiz to stay ahead of the curve and find out if your coworkers think you’re a real dick.
It may be finals week, but that doesn’t mean business has to stop. Justin Kanter (W '19) didn’t want to suppress his entrepreneurial spirit just because of finals, but he wasn’t sure how he could possibly profit off of the masses while everyone was studying.
At the start of every class, Professor Rosenberg adjusts the microphone on the podium at the front of the classroom. He taps on it twice to get the students’ attention, and then begins his lecture.
Susan Andrews (C '21) cannot wait for reading days. After a very long and very difficult semester, she’s really looking forward to spending a couple of days reading a good book. For months, she's been dreaming of curling up in some onesie pajamas, sipping a hot cocoa, and delving into an imaginary world.
I mean, we know the girl’s got a lot of cash, but how much did Amy Gutmann shell out for the gorgeous weather during fling? Like seriously, there’s no way that was natural. Friday and Saturday were sunny with temperatures reaching the 80’s, smack in the middle of disgusting weather the Thursday before and the Sunday after. And since Obama is no longer the president, we know that the government has stopped spending money trying to simulate “global warming” — so this weekend must have been au naturale. That is, unless Amy G pulled some strings and did some persuading (see: money).
College freshman Cynthia Clark was thrilled to get a research position at Penn this summer, but she soon became worried about staying in the oft stressful, frequently competitive environment of Penn all summer. Luckily, Clark found a way to keep her research position and still get away from Penn’s toxic environment.
We at Under the Button recently decided to investigate Penn's campus tours: what are tour guides blatantly not telling prospective students? In order to discover the truth, we went undercover as high schoolers on a campus tour. And we found out that the information missing was, to be frank, astonishing. Here’s some things that our tour guide *conveniently* forgot to mention:
It was last February—I was just a little freshman, but I already had an entrepreneurial spirit to rival Steve Jobs. I was shopping in CVS with a friend when a brilliant idea came to me.
Look, I’m not fucking my professor. I never have and never will have any interest in fucking my professor. But I think it should be allowed if I wanted to.
Wow, that’s gotta hurt. Zach Kaufmann (C '20) is celebrating Passover this week, but he isn’t passing any of his classes. Talk about irony!
ATTENTION! You will not get a better deal than this! I will be in New York City this summer pursuing my dream of becoming incredibly wealthy, so I’m subletting my apartment for the CHEAPEST PRICE EVER. You can live there for free as long as you water my plant. It’s a succulent, so like, you don’t even need to water it that often. There are a few specifications though:
Penn's president is in hot water today after a series of tapes surfaced suggesting a conflict between the president and dean of admissions.
Another year, another Ivy Decision Day, another glimmer of hope, and another inevitable letdown. Adrian Guster (C ‘18) is looking forward to his fifth Ivy Decision Day since he applied to his dream school, Princeton University. After settling for his second choice at Penn, Adrian was never able to fully let go. He still sleeps in his Princeton shirt every night of March in preparation for decision release day, but this year will likely be the last time.
After a decision that some letters should never be used twice in a row, the administration has created a new task force to crack down on Juuling around Penn’s campus.
Okay listen up, you circle-crazed buffoons. You ever been on 38th Street bridge? If you have, you’ve probably noticed that that shit ain't flat. It’s fucking slanted as all hell. The angle on that thing has gotta be like 70 degrees, minimum.
There’s always a lull after a major sports event like the Olympics: the athletes have all gone home, and the ability to procrastinate by “supporting your country” is over. So, many students are looking ahead to the next big sports event.
“See you in a week!” you called out to your roommates as you rolled your suitcase out the door on the Thursday before spring break. Those suckers had no idea that this was the last time they’d ever see you. Because you were never coming back from break.
It’s just straight dumb.
The brothers of Rho Iota Chi (RICH) were running out of themes. They could only throw so many parties with a jungle theme, and their Frat themed frat party was not a hit. Some of their more ambitious themes had not worked out either, due to the general lack of artistic talent and motivation among the brothers—their Valentine’s Day party featured poorly cut out hearts hung with floss from the ceiling, which made for a fairly depressing atmosphere.