Satire  Published 05/24/18 12:05pm

How Can You Say That I Don't Have a Personality When I'm Wearing These Cool Socks


Photo by istolethetv / CC BY 2.0

First of all, how dare you. I just don't get how you could say such a rude thing to a guy wearing such cool socks. I'm not saying that by having impeccable style I should be impervious to criticism, but, ya know, respect the fibers on my feet. Also, haven’t you noticed my eccentric short-sleeved button up? C’mon, I’m not on a beach sipping margs, why am I wearing this sweet Hawaiian shirt! That’s a pretty dope personality trait if I do say so myself.

I mean, I get it, you’re entitled to your own opinion, even if that opinion is having negative feelings for a guy with such zany knitted footed wear. But I think I’ve got the right to defend all the things that make me such a fun person to hang out with. Like, for example, my brand new Nike Killshots, my nifty baseball cap, or my dope ass socks. Those are all really chill things that prove I’m a cool guys. And also I have cigarettes. Like, not on me, but I do smoke.

So basically if you could maybe relax a little and recognize that I’m actually a pretty cool guy, that’d be awesome. I know this party’s getting a bit heated so I think we should just light a bowl and put on some Radiohead. Oh yea, I totally forgot about the two other things that validate my personality, drugs and music. So ha! That’s some irrefutable proof that I’m a totally chill guy. Haters gonna hate.

Satire  Published 05/20/18 1:37pm

Student Whose Dad Got Him Internship Thinks "Penn Students Are Way Too Privileged"


Photo from Fearless Motivation / CC0

Victor Randal hates many things about Penn. Far too frequently, he can be spotted roaming campus and presenting his controversial opinions, regularly complaining about the privilege and entitlement amongst his peers. 

Despite the fact that Randal will be spending this upcoming summer working in a job for which he submitted no resume and had no interviews, he remains persistent in his mission to point out all the privilege on Penn's campus.  

"When you're given so much, you forget the importance of hard work and perseverance," remarked Randal, on his way home from a dentist appointment that his mom booked for him.

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Satire  Published 05/12/18 2:34am

Brave! Wharton Freshman Decides to Do Finance for a Few Years Before Going Into Philanthropy


Photo by National Assembly for Whales / CC BY 2.0

Wharton freshman Ethan Browdy has decided to enter the finance industry for a few years before launching a non-profit startup.

Ethan’s choice has been widely heralded for its originality and positive effect on the world.

“How can you help others if you can’t help yourself?” Ethan told Under the Button. “I just need to have some money to be able to support myself before I can help others.”

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Satire  Published 05/12/18 2:08am

OP-ED: Mom Help - They're Peer Pressuring Me! I Need You to Pick Me Up From Smokes!


Photos (with edits) by Natalia Joseph and Strelka Institute for Media / CC BY 2.0

Mom, you promised that if I ever felt uncomfortable at a party that you would pick me up. I know you’re in Michigan at the moment, but I need to be out of here in 15 minutes. The kids are all drinking and grinding on each other, and I’m pretty sure that there are swear words in the music. You were right, Cindy’s mom Susan was smart to only let us play the clean version of songs at our lights-on parties: this environment is vulgar.

If you don’t come pick me immediately up I’m pretty sure they are going to have me shot gun Bacardi. I know you think I’ve never had alcohol, and that’s the reason I want to leave. I can’t lie to you anymore. In high school, I had a shot of Natty Light and lost control. I can’t get drunk again, mother.

I tried to drink a glass of water to calm my nerves and fend off the peer-pressures offering me alcohol, but I put my cup down. I can’t drink out of that cup again. I’m not going to be tricked into drinking roofie water. However, I can’t get another glass because of the crowd of dirty-dancing heathens around the bar.

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Satire  Published 05/12/18 1:48am

OP-ED: My Self Worth is Based on Comparison, and Here's Why it's Not My Fault


Photo from Pixabay / CC0 

Listen up people. You’re never going to hear a story like this again.

When I was in high school I was smart. Out of the 100 seventeen year olds in West Oakland High, I was the kid to beat.

But now?

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Satire  Published 05/12/18 1:47am

Girl Who Refuses to Actively Support Friend in Any Way Comments "wow u r literally perfect" on Friend's Profile Picture


Photo from Pexels / CC0

No way! In a shocking turn of events, Margaret Benson (C '18), someone with a friendship track record that is shitty at best, has suddenly decided to be nice to her friend Sarah Goldstein (C '18) on social media. So far this year, Benson has been objectively horrible to her friend: she refuses to attend any of Goldstein's events, only talks about herself when they catch up, and loves to talk shit behind her back. Yet, funny enough, Benson is prone to showering Goldstein with kindness every time she posts a picture on Instagram.

Most recently, Goldstein posted a gorgeous photo of herself online, with a caption announcing that she had been awarded a Fulbright Scholarship for the fall. In a matter of seconds, Benson commented on the post "wow. u r literally perfect. look at my best friend. she's perfect. ur gorgeous and smart. perfect. ily ily ily." How strange, considering Benson has refused to support or be nice to her friend all semester! She's constantly saying she's "too busy" to hang out, and yet seems to be trolling Instagram 24/7, with photo comments appearing in a matter of seconds.

Is Benson's Instagram support the start, or the end, of their rocky friendship? Only time will tell.

Satire  Published 05/12/18 1:42am

Death Rate of Squirrels on College Green Skyrockets; Penn Researchers Blame Toxic Environment


Photo by skeeze / CC0  

An alarming number of squirrels have recently been found dead on College Green. With so few showing signs of physical trauma, many assumed that this string of deaths was due to chemical poisoning.

Unfortunately, these morbid theories have proven to be correct. Penn landscaping services recently began using compost from dining halls around campus to fertilize the gardens on College Green. Unfortunately for the squirrels who bury their nuts in these gardens, this compost is actually highly toxic.  

According to a team of researchers led by Brian Gutwomann, Penn Dining halls do not meet even the lowest standards for composting. 

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Satire  Published 05/12/18 1:41am

​Pre-Freshman Excited To Access Over 6 Million Library Books, With Even More Available Through InterLibrary Loans


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

Morgan Bernstein (C ’22) is eager to access the 6,540,557 physical volumes held in the Penn Libraries collection when she arrives on campus next fall.

Morgan first heard about the books while on an admissions tour. “When our guide said there were that many books here, I was like ‘Woah. This must be the best college in the world,” Morgan said.

Morgan is also excited to access Penn’s rich multimedia collection. “When you add 115,473 physical audio materials, 46,671 physical video materials, 4,252,117 microforms, 139,570 maps, and 1,010,565 graphic materials, the number is even more impressive,” Morgan said. “Then you count the 192,034 e-journals, 1,834,494 e-books, and 54,413 streaming audio files, and this place seems like heaven on earth.”

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Satire  Published 05/11/18 10:55am

OP-ED: I’m a Registered Democrat But Salmon Khaki Shorts Are My Kink


Photo by Shoshi Wintman

The way the khaki peels stiffly away from his thigh. The way the shapeless pant leg screams, “what’s your golf handicap?” The way the hemmed bottom leaves room for the calf high Nike Dry Elite 1.5 Crew sock around his ankle. The Color. OH, THAT COLOR.

These are the thoughts that run through the head of Dana Novikov (C ’21) every time she meets a college republican.

Here are her truths.

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Satire  Published 05/10/18 11:22am

OP-ED: Let's Hang Out And Catch Up But My Boyfriend Will Be There Too


Photo by Elizabeth Beugg / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

Hey! Long time no see! I feel like we haven’t talked—like really talked— in forever. I thought I would reach out so we can find a time to catch up, just me and you, and chat about what’s new in our lives. Oh, and my boyfriend Jonathan will be there too.

We can just sit down and hash out the drama. I’ll tell you about the ways my childhood trauma has resurfaced this week and you tell me about the boy you have a crush on in your stat class. And don’t worry, Jonathan is great at keeping secrets.

When it comes to maintaining friendships, it is just so important to have to have one-on-one time. A chance to listen and learn and reconnect. Quality over quantity, as Jonathan would say. He is so smart and awesome. He is working for Google this summer. He really knows what he wants in life—it’s rare that you find someone with such great focus. I think that’s why we get along so well. Wait, were you trying to say something?

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