Satire  Published 10/14/17 11:07am

Verdict: Student's Parents Were Much Cooler Than Him in College


/ Public Domain

In a unanimous decision, an impartial committee has decided that, in light of all relevant evidence, the parents of Carlos Romero (C ’19) were almost certainly cooler than him when they were in college.

Charges were brought against the defendant, Mr. Carlos Romero Jr., by his parents, after they became aware that, much to their chagrin, he had spent his last three Saturday nights planning out his schedule for the next five semesters, up to and including his planned masters degree.

“It’s just not how we raised him,” commented Mr. Romero Sr. after the decision. “He went to an average of three birthday parties a week growing up. We made sure he was invited to every one. I don’t know how this happened.”

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Satire  Published 10/13/17 1:30am

Bathroom Review: Wawa


Graphic by Sam Sedor / The Daily Pennsylvanian and Gareth Simpson / Flickr CC BY-2.0 

-Hey, can I use your bathroom?

-Are you a customer?

-Yes. But not a paying customer. I just stole a coffee.

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Satire  Published 10/13/17 1:18am

OP-ED: Everyone is a Wawa Fake Fan


Photo by Natalia Josephs

I am so tired of all these out-of-state students acting like they know what Wawa is. They don’t know what Wawa is. They call it their favorite convenience store. I’m sorry, but I’ve been going to Wawa for 18 years. You’ve just started shopping there. How can it be your favorite?

Yes, you’re right. I am in fact from the city of Philadelphia: Home of Wawa. How could you tell? Perhaps by the fact that the word "sub" doesn’t even exist in my vocabulary, only hoagie.

Speaking of hoagies, people think Wawa is all coffee and hoagies. They don't even appreciate all the variety it has to offer. Like, can you even name five Wawa specialty drinks?

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Satire  Published 10/13/17 1:18am

Advisor Definitely Exaggerated how “Doable” Heavy Courseload Would Be


Photo by: UBC Learning Commons / CC 2.0

When Alley Brockwell (C '21) was on her 400th mock schedule, it was her freshman advisor who calmed her down. Brockwell, a potential Biology major and premed student, told UTB that after her first meeting with her advisor, she walked out of the office reassured and confident in the classes she chose. “My advisor told me that I definitely wouldn’t have any issues if I took all the classes I wanted to at the same time: CHEM 101, PHYS 151, CIS 160, and even BIOL 251!”

She stated that her advisor gave her the green light, reassuring her how easy these classes would be and that it was definitely “doable” with a bit of hard work and sleep deprivation. “She was like, ‘Oh yeah, people definitely take these classes together all the time,” Brockwell said. But now, she reports she has 10 hours of class each day and “hasn’t slept since Tuesday.”

Brockwell’s advisor, Stacy Adams, has been working for the university for about 16 years, but apparently has yet to realize the difficulty of certain courses. “I don’t know what they want from me,” she stated, “I mean, I never took orgo in college, but it can’t be that hard.”

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Satire  Published 10/13/17 1:15am

Inspirational! Student Drops by Office Hours to Motivate His Classmates by Telling Them How Well He is Doing


/ Public Domain

The first midterm season is just about concluding, and students all over campus are stressing out about test results. For many strugglers, this entails extra studying and plenty of visits to office hours. However, there's often one outlier at these office hours: Engineering sophomore Arjit Hemad. Though he scored at least two standard deviations above the mean on all of the exams he took this year, he still shows up to all of his office hours just to rub it into his classmates' faces!

Upon arrival, he spares no time to ask what everyone got on the exam. In an inspiring effort to push his classmates to work harder, Hemad smugly lets them know how easy he thought the exam was. Even though he doesn’t need the additional help from office hours and leaves promptly after arriving, he still makes sure to speak loudly enough so that everyone at office hours gets the extra boost of motivation by hearing about the 98 percent he got. Talk about a peer who cares!

While other students are wasting time having fun and enjoying college, Hemad is making a concerted effort to ensure that the stragglers have an extra push to succeed. He makes time for every single course's office hours, purely out of the kindness of his heart, commenting that he “has to let everyone know who’s the big doggy dog on campus.” How motivational! Hemad is really holding his classmates up to the mantra, “Pressure makes diamonds," and they owe him big time for it. 

Satire  Published 10/13/17 1:14am

Quiz: My Mans, What the Fuck Is Up?


Photo by Gage Skidmore / CC BY-SA 2.0

Holy shit guy, its been way too long! What has it been – two, three? What the fuck is up?


b) I missed ya, bud.

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Satire  Published 10/13/17 1:11am

Plot Twist: Girl Throwing Up on 40th and Spruce is Actually Fine


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

Last night, Engineering sophomore Sydney Essex was seen vomiting violently on the corner of 40th and Spruce streets. The silver lining? “She’s totally OK,” explained Engineering sophomore Rishika Sharma, who had previously been helping Essex throw up into a planter outside of Copabanana. Sharma told the crowd of bystanders that this was “honestly no big deal,” as Essex continued to projectile vomit. “One too many double margaritas, you know?”

After another 15 minutes, Essex closed her eyes and laid down on the sidewalk. “She’s just really tired,” Sharma assured the growing crowd. “She had a 9 a.m. today; you would want to lie down too.”

When a passerby suggested calling MERT, Sharma lashed out. “Are you seriously going to waste their time when there are actual people in danger they could help?” Sharma snapped as Essex began frothing at the mouth. “Now if you’ll excuse me,” Sharma said as her friend began vomiting in the nearest trashcan.

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Satire  Published 10/13/17 1:10am

OP-ED by Joe Biden | Thanks for the Building, Nerds, But I Don't Care About Any of You


Photo by Adam Fagen / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0

As some of you may have heard, I was recently asked by Penn to head the Biden Center for Diplomacy and Global Engagement. That's right, the Biden Center. As I understand that many of you frequent this shitstain of a satire website, I decided to submit a letter to the editor to disseminate to you a very simple idea. I will say this once and only once:

If you see me, Joe Biden, on or around your campus, shut up, turn around, and keep fucking walking. I don't care about you.

Yes, you. Reading this right now. Back off, nerd.

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Satire  Published 10/12/17 5:46pm

Whoops! Penn Accidentally Raised Amy G’s Rent and Now She’s Homeless


Photo By Carson Kahoe / Daily Pennsylvanian

Recently, students have been highly critical of the University’s decisions on all sorts of policies governing student life. Continuing on this trend of ineptitude, it looks like the administration still can’t catch a break this week. Sadly, Penn Facilities & Real Estate Services has hiked up Amy Gutmann’s rent so much that she can’t afford to live on campus anymore. It looks like it’s a bad day to be President of the University of Pennsylvania!

With campus rents skyrocketing it isn’t a surprise that the University wants to squeeze every last cent out of its tenants, but in a boneheaded clerical oversight it mistakenly swapped Gutmann’s and The Fresh Grocer’s leases, forcing Amy to either pay the exorbitant prices Penn is currently charging Frogro or move out. Seeing as how Gutmann is going through a bit of a rough patch financially her housing options are a extremely limited.

Even though Amy's gotten pretty comfortable with the city of Philadelphia in her tenure as President, we’ve got to imagine that she doesn’t want to rough it on the streets while she tries to talk her way into a new place. In the meantime we're hoping that Amy can get back on her feet and housed in another palatial estate as soon as possible, with maybe only a couple of 4.7 percent salary increases along the way!

Satire  Published 10/12/17 4:52pm

Penn Students Designed Buzzfeed Quizzes in This Wharton Class, and Some Really Sucked


Photo by Anthony Quintano / CC2.0

In one Wharton class, groups of students were tasked with creating Buzzfeed quizzes that would resonate with some target audience. Students used strategies they learned in this “Advertising Management” class to design their quiz, and some of them went viral on Buzzfeed, which was cool. Some of the other ones really sucked.

In particular, a quiz entitled “Choose Some Dirt Piles and We’ll Tell You What Kind of Dustpan to Use” was really just not very good. Intended as an informative quiz for people looking for advice on how to clean particular dirt piles, the quiz was mistaken as a personality test with deep implications for the present and future of the users. As if a quiz could really tell you anything about your life!

Several other quizzes were equally as bad.  A quiz called “Design your Ideal Bedroom and We’ll Tell You if Your Parents are Proud of You” received some harsh feedback from commenters on the site. One person's result: “You are a failure and your parents are not proud of you. Maybe if you earned as much money as Heather they would be proud of you. Why aren’t you more like Heather?” He added, “My sister’s name is not even Heather, it’s Hannah. And I don’t earn as much as her because I’m doing something way more fulfilling - pursuing my music.”

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