Satire  Published 12/09/17 5:09pm

​Amazing! Girl in 5 Inch Hoops Only Ripped off One Earlobe Over Course of Evening


Photo from Pxhere / CC0

Real life Wonder Woman Sarah Richards has done it again. After a long night of partying with her girls, Richards managed to only rip one of her 5 inch hoops straight out of her ear in a bloody and gruesome mess.

Richards, whose full left earlobe is now somewhere on the floor of AEPi after violently ripping it off during a "full on jam sesh" to Mr. Brightside, gracefully avoided ripping out her right earlobe several times throughout the night.

“At the BYO, early on in the night, I went to take off my jacket. I caught my thumb in my right hoop, but luckily I felt the tug and gently unhooked my hand from my earring. I really dodged a bullet that time,” she said outside her dorm in the quad, while blood ran visibly from her left ear down her neck. “I'd call tonight a success, for sure.” 

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 5:05pm

He Texted Me. He Loved Me. Then, He Disappeared.


Photo by Kathryn Rotondo / CC 2.0

Our story started out like any other. It also ended like any other. Regardless, it was special.

"U [sic] up?" he texted me one warm Wednesday night at 1:32 a.m.

"Yeah, why?" I responded.

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 12:05pm

OP-ED: I Finally Collected Enough Box Tops to Donate a Pencil


Photo by Howard Lake / CC BY-SA 2.0

For 5 years, I’ve spent countless days and nights with my trusty scissors cutting out box tops to make a difference in this sad, cold world. And there were good times and bad times. Times when I was discouraged that I could never make a difference, and times when I felt like I was on top of the world. Through the lows and the highs I kept going because I knew one day my hard work would be rewarded.

Today, that day has finally come. At long last, I collected enough box tops to donate a pencil. Am I a hero? Well, I can’t really say. But yes.

Satire  Published 12/09/17 12:03pm

This Frat Received a Record-Breaking Number of Early Decision Applicants This Fall


Photo from Wikimedia Commons // CC0

Psi Omega Omicron (also known as Bulls, somehow) recently made headlines for shattering its previous record of early-decision applications, as it amassed more than sixty applicants.

“I believe you mean dirty rushing … there’s no such thing as Early Decision out here,” Alan Jeffries (C ’21) said, rather confused.

Bulls is the first frat of its kind to ask its applicants for a common application, as rushes were required to hand in personal statements and partake in interviews at events. This year’s applicants were more competitive than ever, with incredibly impressive stats and extracurricular activities.

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 11:56am

Students Hold Candlelight Vigil for Lyn's


Photo by Lila Gutstein

Yesterday afternoon, a crowd of mourning Penn students gathered on the corner of 36th and Spruce at the exact spot where Lyn's food truck usually sits. The group was honoring Lyn's, the mobile breakfast food mogul who was taken from us far too early. The truck has been gone since November 20th and will not return until January 20th.

Student leaders Karis Uberoi and Nadia Stephen (C '18) led the group in a prayer, while other attendees lit candles in broad daylight and tearfully recounted their favorite memories with the egg sandwich connoisseur.

“I’ll never forget that time Lyn looked at me and asked ‘bacon, egg and cheese on a sesame bagel with salt pepper ketchup?’ Before I could even even say anything, she added ‘and Sriracha?’ It’s like, she knows me so well. She might be gone from our lives but she is certainly not forgotten,” whimpered Stephen.

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Satire  Published 12/09/17 11:53am

Remarkable! This Student Manages to Reveal Her Privilege in Every Class Contribution


Photo by Tirachard Kumtanom / CC0

Remarkable! Alex Novak (C'18) somehow finds a way to reveal her privileged socioeconomic status every single time she participates in class.

Her method of revealing this privilege varies. She often references her home on the Upper East Side - leading into a tangentially related comment on the class reading on Asian urban poverty with, "At my home on the Upper East Side..."  She also alludes to elite travel destinations.  She began her report on domestic politics with, "On my recent trip to Bali..."  It's hard to believe that someone can find a way to tie these overt displays of privilege back to unrelated course materials, but Novak always does!

Recently, Novak has grown less creative in displaying her privilege.  She'll just state her connections to powerful people outright; for example, she started her critique of Thoreau's Walden with "The President of Lionsgate is a family friend..."  Just yesterday, she interrupted a classmate's presentation on identity politics, beginning her interruption with, "So my dad is a high-ranking government official..." 

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Satire  Published 12/08/17 1:17pm

OP-ED: Bitcoin? Nah. Have You Heard About DarkCoin?


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Excuse me, I just happened to overhear your conversation about investing in Bitcoin. I really don’t mean to intrude, but you may want to heed my advice. Look, Bitcoin is a bubble. Do you know what happens to bubbles? They burst. It’s your choice, but your money would definitely be better invested into an Altcoin like DarkCoin.

You haven’t heard of DarkCoin? You should really look into it. It’s going to be the next big coin. It’s an SIPC coin. That stands for Secure Private Instant Coin. Do you know what that means? I'm sure some people do. Look at any other SIPC coin and you’ll see the trend. It makes sense.

Darkcoin’s market cap is relatively low, but it’s one of the most trusted cryptoassets among anyone who knows their stuff, like my friend Jerry who goes on the internet for this stuff. I’ll tell you what: buy the dip, see it explode 1000% in a few months, and send me a thank-you card in the mail.

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Satire  Published 12/08/17 1:07pm

Group Project Falls Through Due to Lack of Passive-Aggressive Meeting Coordination Texts


Photo by Robbin Higgins / CC0

Cool! Your GEOL 439: “Rocks Rock” class has a final project instead of an exam. You have to stay on campus until the 21st anyway because of that one damn statistics exam scheduled super late, but still, cool!

The project is with a group, too! That’s sick—you can pretend you worked on your part of the project for days when you actually just haphazardly assembled it the night before it was due, although you probably would have done that if it were an individual assignment, too.

Someone in your group started a group message to coordinate meet-ups. You didn’t save any of your teammates numbers, of course, so you try associating their names with their area codes. However, you also don’t actually know their names, so that doesn’t work. Faces it is!

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Satire  Published 12/08/17 12:28pm

OP-ED: Just Because My Life Goal Is to Exploit Proletariat Labor Doesn’t Mean I’m a Bad Person


Photo from Pexels / CC0

There are a lot of stereotypes about us Whartonites. Some of you think we’re greedy, selfish, and complicit in a power structure that oppresses the lower class. But only some of these rumors are true.

I mean, how could I be an exploitative capitalist? Yes, I want to devalue your labor, but I have posters of Marx and Engels that I found on the side of the street hanging in my room. Does that sound like something a greedy capitalist would do?

Also, for your information, when I was in high school I started an organization that advocated for workers’ rights around the globe. Did I do this just to pad my college application? Maybe. But at least I did something! Besides, I can always use my six-figure job at Goldman after college to fight The Man™ from the inside. I’ll even climb Walmart’s corporate ladder until I’m at the top and ensure that all workers are getting the wage they deserve. I promise.

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Satire  Published 12/08/17 1:40am

​If You Answered "10 or More Sexual Encounters" on the Penn Sex Survey, Expect an Email From the Creator


Graphic from "Sex at Penn Survey Results"

If you follow the Official Unofficial Penn Squirrel Catching Club page on Facebook, chances are you noticed a sex survey for Penn students. The survey garnered a huge response, by far larger than the PULSE Survey, and collected some pretty insightful data. However, the motives behind this survey are not as straightforward as the creator might have led you to believe.

Many of the questions were innocent enough, but if your response to the question regarding your number of sexual encounters at Penn was “10+,” expect an email from the creator. The whole survey was possibly just a huge ploy to single out the Penn students with the highest sex drives. The creator gathered this data and began reaching out to specific students, asking them to hang out or sending blank emails with the subject line, “Hey, you up?”

Disappointingly, the emails were not very effective. So in order to increase his chances, the author cross-referenced the data with other questions on the survey. If you were one of the 34.1% of Penn students in the 10+ club and also responded that you weren’t sexually satisfied, expect an edible arrangement with a phone number at your door.

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