Satire  Published 09/18/17 11:26am

Senior Upgrades From Ugly Backpack to Ugly Messenger Bag


Photo by Richard Masoner / CC BY-SA 2.0

Senior year is a time for growth and maturation; seniors are on the cusp of true adulthood. 

With this in mind, senior Sean Proviso (C '18) decided it was time to ditch his old, unsightly backpack for a new, equally-repulsive messenger bag. He's very happy with his decision.

"Backpacks are for kids, let's be honest," he told us, his ego clearly inflated by the change. "My old backpack was ugly and poorly designed, but more importantly it was juvenile and made me look like a child. It was about time I graduated to something a bit more... mature."

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Satire  Published 09/17/17 2:30pm

Restaurant Week: Sophomore Devastated to Realize She's Not at a BYO


Public Domain

On the surface, restaurant week appears to be a great deal– twice a year, college students can afford a three course meal at some of Philly's best restaurants. But Lauren Carmichael's (E '20) night out to ended up being nothing but a stomach full of utter disappointment.

"Earlier in the week, group of my friends texted me if I was free on Thursday night to get dinner. I was like, hell yeah!" Carmichael explained. "I love BYO's. There's nothing like pregaming at 6, being drunk by 7, obnoxiously intoxicated at 7:45, drifting in and out during the uber ride home at 8:55, puking up pink-colored slush around 9:15, and then getting ready to go out again at 10!"

"So I roll up with my crew and my backpack full of wine and spirits and get this– the restaurant isn't BYO." Carmichael said. "I was like, huh? I don't set a toe past 33rd street unless I know I'm getting blackout. I did not venmo charge five people $2.34 to not drink tonight. It was a Thursday! I would understand if it was a Tuesday... maybe."

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Satire  Published 09/16/17 2:33pm

7 Amazing Photos That Don't Show Dean Furda Sharing a Special Message


Photo by cherylholt / CC0

This girl knows how to blow a bubble, and wasn't afraid to show it to the world. It's a little small, but still totally impressive!

Unbelievable. Somebody dedicated an entire, living tree to Usher, the 38-year-old singer, songwriter, and dancer behind such hits as "Love in this Club" and "OMG (ft."

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Satire  Published 09/15/17 4:52pm

This Guy's Whole Job Is Showing Professors How to Use Projectors


Photo by Pixabay / CC0

Not all heroes wear capes. Cory Sherman, an AV technician working at Penn, spoke to us about his job on an average day.

"I have extensive technical training. I'm available to help Penn students and staff with just about any technical difficulty they come across. Video, sound, or computer related. But I really only get the call for one thing: helping professors with how to turn on projectors in their lectures."

Cory was puzzled with the constant projector requests he receives, stating that time and time again, the same professors ask for help, not learning at a thing from what Cory taught them before. "It's really difficult telling a 60-year-old academic with four degrees that the solution to the problem is to 'just push the button,'" he told us. "If anyone has any tips on how to better phrase that, let me know."

Satire  Published 09/15/17 2:40pm

Event Observer: "This Party Sucks, 2/10"


Photo from / CC0

When Charlie Milligan was enlisted by VPUL to keep a careful eye on the nightlife at campus, he was ecstatic to finally put his refined judgement of event quality to use. Last night, that judgement fell without mercy on a unidentified party hosted off-campus. “It was…pitiful,” Milligan sighed.

This year, Penn made a switch from the omnipotent, scarily-named “alcohol monitors” to the friendly, vaguely-named “event observer,” a change intended to imply something deeper than just semantic differences (probably). Some former alcohol monitors viewed the name change as entailing a significant shift in responsibility.

“As I walked by the house, I could hear—faintly—the song ‘Closer’ by The Chainsmokers, and immediately checked my watch to make sure I wasn’t in 2016,” Milligan recounted. “After ‘Closer’ they played ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It.’ That’s when I knew I had to do something.”

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Satire  Published 09/15/17 2:37pm

Quiz: Does Your Roommate Secretly Have A Cat?


Photo by Tulane Public Relations / CC 2.0, ivoxis / CC0, edited by Sam Sedor

It’s a question we’ve all faced at one point or another. Luckily, the head investigative journalism publication on campus is fully prepared to help you crack the case.

1. You find some scratches on the couch in your common room. When you point them out to your roommate, she...

a) goes on a long rant about how shitty the high rises are.

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Satire  Published 09/15/17 12:47pm

Junior Girl No Longer Relevant After Removal From Frat Listserv


Photo by JESHOOTS / CC0

Katie Reinhart (C’19) thought junior year was going as well as it could be. Beginning her days by waking up in a cold sweat fearing the possibility of unemployment and ending them with an anti-aging serum, she was content. When figures in bulletproof vests were obstructing her social life, she had a great time getting rejected from Smoke’s and watching sweaty freshmen make out. Who says juniors are washed up? She was living life.

That is, until she overheard a group of sophomores discuss an upcoming Angels & Devils party, and realized that she had been removed from her favorite fraternity’s listserv.

“This is unbelievable. I’m not just a rose, I’m the entire garden. I’m not just a belle, I’m a ball. A sweetheart? Actually pretty sour now, but thanks,” Katie spat. 

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Satire  Published 09/14/17 4:55pm

Junior Skips Coffee Chat Because He’s More Of A Tea Person

We met up with Ralph Olsen, a Junior studying English and Cinema Studies, to hear how his first time participating in OCR is going. When asked about the interview process, Olsen listed all of the info sessions he has attended thus far and explained how excited he is for first round interviews. But when we asked if he has attended any coffee chats, Olsen explained, “Well I’ve skipped all of those because I’m not much of a coffee person. I have a cardiac arrhythmia and my doctors tell me that ingestion of stimulants such as coffee can lead to an 2% increased chance of hospitalization. That’s why I can only drink tea now.”


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Satire  Published 09/14/17 3:40pm

Report: Senior Auditor Has Unfair Advantage in Cold War History Class


Photo: Flickr

Having some prior knowledge on the topic of a class is one thing, but what if you've lived through it?

Students in HIST-135, Cold War: Global History, say that senior auditor Michael Multen has an unfair advantage in the class, because he was alive for the entirety of the event in question.

Multen, 81, was born in 1936, and was old enough to understand what was going on for the majority of the Cold War, which began (arguably) around 1947. 

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Satire  Published 09/14/17 11:41am

Penn Engineering Creates Restaurant Week Time Machine, Exclusively for Zahav Reservations


Cindy Chen/The Daily Pennsylvanian, scardeykat

Craving a cultural dining experience outside of Meatless Mondays at Commons, but chose to spend late July not trolling Open Table for a dinner reservation? Didn’t have an idea it was Restaurant Week until six of your Snapchat friends added Stories documenting every course at the same restaurant?

Have no fear! Penn Engineering just released their latest project a few days ago. They’ve actually been publicly working on it for quite some time now, but the Engineering Quad is really far away.

The Restaurant Week Time Machine Model Z allows poor planners and procrastinators alike to go back in time three months—to the date, of course—to book reservations to Zahav, the restaurant introducing Philly to the other wonders of Israel besides that cute Econ TA.

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