Satire  Published 05/11/18 10:55am

OP-ED: I’m a Registered Democrat But Salmon Khaki Shorts Are My Kink


Photo by Shoshi Wintman

The way the khaki peels stiffly away from his thigh. The way the shapeless pant leg screams, “what’s your golf handicap?” The way the hemmed bottom leaves room for the calf high Nike Dry Elite 1.5 Crew sock around his ankle. The Color. OH, THAT COLOR.

These are the thoughts that run through the head of Dana Novikov (C ’21) every time she meets a college republican.

Here are her truths.

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Satire  Published 05/10/18 11:22am

OP-ED: Let's Hang Out And Catch Up But My Boyfriend Will Be There Too


Photo by Elizabeth Beugg / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

Hey! Long time no see! I feel like we haven’t talked—like really talked— in forever. I thought I would reach out so we can find a time to catch up, just me and you, and chat about what’s new in our lives. Oh, and my boyfriend Jonathan will be there too.

We can just sit down and hash out the drama. I’ll tell you about the ways my childhood trauma has resurfaced this week and you tell me about the boy you have a crush on in your stat class. And don’t worry, Jonathan is great at keeping secrets.

When it comes to maintaining friendships, it is just so important to have to have one-on-one time. A chance to listen and learn and reconnect. Quality over quantity, as Jonathan would say. He is so smart and awesome. He is working for Google this summer. He really knows what he wants in life—it’s rare that you find someone with such great focus. I think that’s why we get along so well. Wait, were you trying to say something?

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Satire  Published 05/09/18 11:04am

Junior Rejected From Summer Internships Goes Back to Starting Fake Companies Again


Photo by StartupStockPhotos / CC0

Junior Paul Maloney (C ‘19) did whatever he could to get into the Ivy League. He knew admissions were competitive, and simply having good grades and a high SAT score wouldn’t automatically grant him admission. While browsing through PrepScholar, he read a guide that claimed it would guarantee admission into some of the top schools in the US. Intrigued, Maloney read it and followed every step.

He created a hip new startup that was a crowdsourced way to choose your own driver, or “Tinder for Uber” as he called it. Since he was a determined, Type A, business-minded hustler, he called up a few of his more technically inclined friends to code the app, after which they were promised equity and experience for their resume.

Like many of his friends, Maloney shut down his company as soon as he got into Penn. It was no longer useful to keep the app alive, and Maloney destroyed all evidence of the company except for a website with fake testimonials, in case future employers would inquire about his startup. But disaster struck this spring, when Maloney was rejected from all 45 internship positions he interviewed for. While initially disappointed, he quickly regained his enthusiasm when he realized that his plans for this summer were already made. Maloney would go back to starting companies and creating social change like the entrepreneur he knew he always was. This would practically guarantee him and internship next summer—he knew that hiring managers loved seeing college students with the proactivity and motivation to develop their own projects.

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Satire  Published 05/08/18 8:25pm

Junior Who Thought They Were Cool for Hanging out with Only Seniors Scrambling to Lock Down Friends for Next Year


Photo from Max Pixel / CC0

Things were looking bright for Elizabeth Wrankin (C’19) when she came into her first semester at Penn. On the first night of NSO, she ventured out with twenty of her closest hallmates for a dismal evening of drinking Banker’s with no chaser and getting scooped from behind by sweaty frat bros. Instead, she found the holy grail of NSO: A group of sophomores drinking beer on their porch and observing the partygoers.

“Hey, kid,” one yelled to her after yet another fraternity rejected their ratio. “Come have a beer!”

Wrankin spent her next three years flying high, partying with upperclassmen while her hallmates swapped the names of different frat boys to say when the bouncer asked, “Who do you know here?”

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Satire  Published 05/08/18 7:03am

Penn to Replace All Math Professors with Cardboard Cutouts of Old Dudes and Khan Academy Videos


Photo bMaxPixel Contributor / CC0

In order to improve PennCourseReview scores and save money, the Mathematics department has decided to dissolve its teaching division and replace it with a staff of cardboard cutouts of old men and Khan Academy videos.

This move comes after several complaints from the student body regarding the performance of professors in the math department, along with a string of budget cuts from the administration.

In a statement to Under the Button, Jim Wallace, the department chair, told us that there will no longer be math majors or minors available.

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Satire  Published 05/07/18 10:16am

Op-Ed: I Loved Being an RA and Can’t Wait to Get High With My Residents After Finals


Photo by Lauren Baron

Being an RA is extremely rewarding. My residents and I really bonded over the course of the semester, and even though I had to turn several of them in for drug and alcohol related violations of housing policy, we maintained a great relationship.

I’m very passionate about community dynamics on campus. My college house is my family at Penn, and I’m always looking forward to house-sponsored events to strengthen the group dynamic, so why shouldn’t I take some initiative and organize my own? I think my residents would love to get high with me.

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Satire  Published 05/07/18 10:12am

Report: 90% of Premeds Would Definitely Eat Their Best Friends if Trapped on a Deserted Island


Photo from the U.S. Air Force (edited by Allen Zhu) / Public Domain

Many students hoping to pursue a career in medicine, surgery, and health cite altruistic reasons as their motives for choosing the rigorous premed track. Again and again, these students say they "want to make a difference in the world", "help others", and "buy [their] girlfriends a new Bugatti." 

However, studies contradict the supposed premed altruism. A recent report showed that, while only 80% of Wharton students would eat their best friends if trapped on a deserted island, about nine out of ten premeds would be willing to do the same. 

"I would eat Josh in a heartbeat," said Chem major Jahira Flores (C '19). "I mean, he's my best friend, and I'd do almost anything for him, but if it came down to it, I'd sell his organs to boost my GPA by .01. So in a life or death scenario, I'd be willing to do anything." 

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Satire  Published 05/06/18 12:21pm

Friend Also Bully


Photo from Pexels / CC0

In a stunning show of range, local friend Josh Laby (W '18) has also established himself as a bully to his small circle of friends.

"It's crazy," says Noah F. a friend and frequent victim of Josh, "he'll hit you up to watch basketball and then halfway through he'll just start making fun of you for your girlfriend breaking up with you. He's truly an artist."

Josh can alternately be seen helping his friends study for exams, buying them drinks, and being a shoulder to cry on, as well as drawing penises on their homework, purposely spilling drinks on them, and using secrets told in confidence to him as a target for mockery.

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Satire  Published 05/05/18 2:52pm

Student has Photo Booth Birds Above Head in Fake ID Picture – Frat Bouncers Still Give him Wristbands


Photo (with edits) by / Public Domain

Before arriving at Penn, Seiji Sample (C ’21) had no idea he would need a fake ID, but within the first week he already saw fellow freshmen going in on orders together. Sample, a sensitive soul, had a little trouble finding friends during NSO. As a result, he missed out these orders.

Soon, Sample decided that he would just get one on his own. However, without a friend, he didn’t know how to take a proper photo. After many failed attempts on his phone’s self-timer, Sample decided to just screw it all and use his laptop.

The endless filters on Photo Booth immediately overtook him. The hearts, the nose twirl, the thermal camera – it was all too much. He knew in his mind that he should just use the normal camera for the most believable ID, but his heart told him that there had to be another way. How was he supposed to convey the dizziness of his college years without the help of the dizzy birds? Who else understood his sadness like the little blue creatures? No -- little blue friends.

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Satire  Published 05/05/18 3:28am

Clogs Now Required to Enter the Kelly Writers House


Photo by Lauren Sorantino

Listen up! There's a new rule in town: clogs are now required to enter the Kelly Writers House.  

This rule may seem extreme; however, when it is actually enforced in the Fall, it will change very little. Studies from the last four years show that on average, 98% of people in the Writers House at any given time were sporting clogs.  It's clear that clogs are already pretty popular with the Writers House crowd, so let's take a closer look at why.

Clogs, often associated with the Dutch, are known for their comfort and sensibility. They are practical, conservative shoe choice with solid arch support. Clogs were not always associated with literary folks. In their inception, clogs were made of wood and used as protective footwear in factories and mines. Wow! It's crazy how footwear can change. I love that.

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