Features  Published 04/19/17 12:47pm

The US Corn Crop Crushes Penn Admissions in Yield Rate


Photo by Alexander Savin / CC 2.0

Penn is a great institution but pales in comparison to corn.

Penn Admissions has been seeing record stats over the past few years. Last year, the class of 2020 had set a record-low admissions rate (before being broken by the class of 2021) of 9.4% and a record high yield rate of 68-69%. As impressive as this may seem, Penn is still falling way behind. Not behind Harvard or Princeton, but behind Penn's main rival, the US national production of corn. 

Sure, Penn's yield rate of 68-69% is a record high, but we are still getting crushed by corn. According to a report by the US Department of Agriculture, the 2016 projected yield rate of the national corn crop is 175.1 bushels per acre, also a record high.

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Satire  Published 04/19/17 11:40am

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day


Gena Basha / Daily Pennsylvanian

 Published 04/18/17 8:37pm

​After Doing Taxes, Student Declares "Guess I'm Officially an Adult Now!" for the 6th Time This Semester


401kcalculator.org / CC 2.0

As soon as he completed his taxes for the first time, Justin Daniels (W '20) logged on to Facebook in order to share the fantastic news.

It reportedly took Daniels ages to come up with a unique and clever comment to describe this major life event-- but after minutes of contemplation, he decided on telling his family members and acquaintances, "Guess I'm officially an adult now!"

This historic achievement marks the 6th time that Daniels has officially "adulted" this semester, following (in no particular order):

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Satire  Published 04/18/17 6:51pm

Meet the Professor Who Teaches a 70-Year-Long Class Called 'Aging and Dying'


Photo by Pixabay / Public Domain

Some students struggle to sit through a 90-minute lecture. But what if the class went on for seventy years straight?

Professor Michael Keller of the Philosophy Department will be teaching an experimental class in fall of 2017 called “DEAD 469: Aging and Dying.” Keller joins the ranks of Penn professors who are renowned for teaching unconventional classes, such as Justin McDaniel and his highly anticipated "Existential Despair" class, also offered next fall. An unusually young tenured professor at the age of 27, Keller is fairly confident that he will live through the entirety of the class.

Since “Aging and Dying” is classified as a Benjamin Franklin Seminar, the class will be capped at around 18-20 people. No prerequisites are needed, save for a love of contemplating the construction of temporality and the inevitability of death. It will meet every week, beginning the second Tuesday of the fall 2017 semester and continue until the first Tuesday of the Fall 2087 semester.

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 Published 04/18/17 6:04pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Satire  Published 04/18/17 3:23pm

These Joe's Ain't Loyal


Allison Kowalski / DP File Photo

It started in October. He charmed us with his surprise visits. We would hang out with him outside Perry World House, take selfies, and then he’d push us out of the way to talk to someone else. Regardless, we’d walk to our PSCI-001 and MGMT-205 classes with a smile and a new background picture on our phones.

Then, in December, it got more serious. This is when he announced that he would “set up shop” at Penn. As time passed, he visited us more often - Irvine auditorium was a staple endeavor. We’d meet, he’d share his wisdom, we’d laugh at his jokes. It all seemed so simple. “We thought that we were all in agreement, that he’d settle down,” said student and avid Joe Biden fan, Tara Lorenzo (N '18). “The Penn Biden Center for Diplomacy and Global Engagement was supposed to be our new future together.”

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 Published 04/18/17 2:01pm

To Get Ready for Fling, This Freshman Hasn't Left Pottruck in Three Days


/ DP File Photo

At Penn, we often praise Fling as a time where we get to blow off some steam before the stress of finals overwhelms all other aspects of our lives: but we often don’t fully acknowledge the destructive behaviors that this event breeds.

When Keith Owens (C ’20) purchased his first fling tank he didn’t know that he was making a life-altering decision. “When that first google poll came out asking us what design we thought was the best, I knew I couldn’t say no to the genius that is 'My Fling is Bad and Boujee.' I mean c’mon, that song is almost as fun and as chill as Caroline!"

Sadly, what started off as an incredibly clever fling tank grew into a soul-crushing problem. “When the bros asked me if I was hitting the gym, I would laugh and brush it off, but honestly I’ve been living a lie.” The shocking truth was, Owens didn’t even lift.

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Satire  Published 04/17/17 10:18pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


Satire  Published 04/17/17 6:37pm

Adam Grant Has Criticized Penn as 'Hyper-Competitive.' But He Won't Even Go on a Date With Me.


Photo: Lulu Wang / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Adam Grant, perhaps Wharton's most well-known professor, has been known to criticize Penn for its cutthroat nature — but he said "no" when I asked him out to a romantic, candlelit dinner.

The irony has not been lost on me. Although I understand that Grant is married (unless Google is wrong, in which case his rejection is all the more hurtful), it seems hypocritical of him to decry Penn as an overly competitive place without offering me the opportunity to take him out for a night on the town.

My plan was to pick Grant up at 7 on my tandem bicycle (I got it on Craigslist, it was cheaper than a normal bike and I usually just ride it alone), with a bouquet of flowers to set the mood. Then we'd bike to one of my favorite restaurants, Tria; it's an elegant wine bar with a great cheese selection and a charming atmosphere. I am not 21, so I was just planning on having cheese.

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Satire  Published 04/17/17 3:54pm

Students Hold Candlelit Vigil in Support of FroGro


Photo: Chris Poliquin / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Last night dozens of Penn students put their time where their hashtags were and stood in solidarity with the #SavePennFroGo campaign by attending a candlelight vigil within the store. Although neither the official Fresh Grocer twitter nor this fun and flirty twitter account specifically for the 40th Street Fro Gro have leveraged the hashtag to raise awareness over the supermarket’s leasing issues, one can hardly take a step on campus without feeling the grief that permeates the air over the store’s impending closing.

Student leaders on campus joined forces to organize the vigil in a last ditch effort to get the University to relent on its aggressive litigation against Fro Gro. One such leader, Muhammad Khan (C ’18), told us that his decision to set up the event was heavily influenced by the Fossil Free Penn sit ins from earlier in the month.

“It was really cool that the University was so inspired by those students’ commitment to the cause that they wanted the autographs of all of the protestors, so I thought that holding a vigil for Fresh Grocer would be the most powerful way getting Penn to stop taking part in more questionable business practices!”

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