Satire  Published 11/17/17 12:05pm

Student's Pre-Study Routine Takes Up Majority of Planned Studying Time

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Photo by StockSnap / CC0


Last Sunday, Mark Jacobs (C ’21) was recovering from a wild night of fun when he came to a sudden realization: it was 4pm and he had not started any of his work for Monday. He had a physics problem set, three writing seminar outlines, a CIS programming assignment, and an econ midterm to study for.

Mark decided to visit Van Pelt for an afternoon grind session. While his work seemed daunting, he was determined to finish it all before dinner. He’d made similar empty goals before, but this time was different. Before he began, however, he needed to get in the zone with his pre-study routine.

“I usually start with the basics: Facebook, Instagram, Twitter,” Mark explained. “Seeing how all my friends are doing gets me situated. Unfortunately, I have a lot of friends (I’m very likeable), and it usually takes me 1-2 hours to get through all of those websites. I'm browsing on my computer, because I lock my phone—it’s usually too distracting. I read that hiding your phone while doing work makes you, like, 10 times more productive.”

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Satire  Published 11/16/17 11:39pm

Inspiring: This Student Deleted Tinder for Two Days to ‘Feel Closer to Nature’

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Photo by Tinder Inc. / CC0


Like many other students, Natalia Yang (C ‘19) spends a lot of time on dating app Tinder. And that’s exactly why she decided to delete it.

The junior reported having trouble focusing because the app was “too addictive.”

“I just felt so at peace without it,” she told a UTB reporter. “I found myself scrolling through Facebook during lectures instead of swiping through piles of ugly guys, so you could definitely call it a step up.”

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Satire  Published 11/16/17 11:32pm

Cockroaches Protest Unlivable Dorm Conditions

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Photo by Tobin / CC BY-SA 2.0


Three-month-old cockroach David was extremely excited to come to Penn. He couldn’t wait to eat Wawa mac & cheese leftovers every Friday night or live in the highly-acclaimed Quad freshman dormitory and meet tons of new people and pests alike.

Brown-banned David thought that college would be full of other brilliant cockroaches and a human to make a mess all the time and keep him alive and well-fed. Everything seemed to be going according to plan. He was making new friends, eating good, and hiding well from the eyes of his human roommate. But, it all changed at the end of September, when his human roommate Brian went from just the right amount of messy to, as David described it, a “Kafka novel, but worse.”

Each day, he spends hours trying to make his way through the giant pile of laundry and stolen Svedka. After a while, though, he has no choice but to give up. 

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Satire  Published 11/16/17 2:49pm

Global Warming Fanatics: How Do You Like Me Now?

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Photo by OpenClipart-VectorsMick Lissone (edited) / CC0


Hey science-nerds, I bet you’ve been dreading hearing from me ever since it got cold out. Because now that the frigid weather is here, your little “theories” and “calculations” are being blown away by the cold wind. You people were so caught up in your ideas that the world is getting hotter, and now you walk outside and it’s cold out! You must feel so stupid! I’ll bet you gave away all your winter coats because you never thought you’d be needing those again, but turn on the weather channel, dorks. Pull up your weather app or maybe even step outside for a *hot* sec, four-eyes. It’s freaking cold out.

Looking back, I can smile knowingly about your frantic yelling and waving your arms in the hot weather. “The accumulation of greenhouse gases in the atmosphere is causing the average temperature of the planet to increase,” you said. “Human activity is contributing significantly to the rising water temperature.” Ha! There was hope in your eyes back then. You thought you had everything figured out, like some regular Jimmy Neutrons. But I knew that I just had to be patient, that soon your foolishness would be apparent to everyone. At long last that time has come, and you virgins have finally been exposed as the liars you are!


Satire  Published 11/16/17 12:26pm

OP-ED: My Name Is Brad And It Hurts When People Say That "Men Are Trash" Because Trash Is Bad and I'm Not Bad, I'm Cool and Nice

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0


Hi, there. I'm Brad. 

Here are some fun facts about me: I read two articles about intersectional feminism after the election, and then told all of my classmates/goddesses about my discovery in my Intro to Gender, Sexuality, and Women's Studies recitation.* 

I've seen every episode of Broad City, and laughed. A lot. Women are funny! The vagina is nature's pocket, amiright?

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Satire  Published 11/16/17 12:20pm

Student Skips Meeting for Extra Hour to Procrastinate on Homework

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Photo by Tulane Public Relations / CC-BY-SA-2.0


Max Krewall (SEAS ’19) reportedly was seen around campus telling friends he was “absolutely screwed” for his big CIS121 assignment due tomorrow. There was no way he would ever be able to finish in time; something had to be sacrificed. After thinking long and hard, Max made the torturous decision to not go to his hour long meeting. “I have to get this homework done,” he insisted to literally anyone he talked to, whether they had asked or not.

From 6-7pm, the usual time of his meeting, Max sat down ready to get started on CIS. However, he realized with this extra hour, he now had a variety of ways he could choose to spend it. One of them was obviously getting started on his assignment. But, given that he now had a lot more time, he could get a lot of other things done as well. Max contemplated taking a nap, taking up a sport, or even baking some food. He proceeded to spend it installing a hammock in his room, watching Rick and Morty reruns and finally taking a shower only to sit around in his towel for about a half hour.

Unaware of the time that had gone by, at 2am, he finally looked at the clock and realized he had forgotten to turn in his entire assignment, much less start it. 

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Satire  Published 11/16/17 12:08pm

Penn Researchers: We Can Now Definitively Say Dinosaurs Liked Cuddling

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Graphic by MJ Kang / The Daily Pennsylvanian with photos from PixabayPixabay, and Wikimedia Commons / CC0


Penn researchers are at it again. Adding to a list of impressive feats like discovering the moon, scientists at Penn have now solved an age-old question: did dinosaurs like to cuddle?

"We can now definitely say that they did," said Gerald Houser, the Abraham C. Perelman Distinguished Professor in Archaeological Sciences, whose team published their major breakthrough last week. "For years, I've been studying this question. I devoted my dissertation to it back in the sixties. I've finally achieved my life goal."

Houser says he and several postdocs scoured the fossil record for dinosaur bones from different organisms were found together. "Perhaps these mighty creatures perished while snuggling together on a cold winter night," he said. This process alone took several years to complete, during which time a few members of the group quit. "There were irreconcilable differences," Houser recalled sadly. "I found out they were actually trying to prove that dinosaurs didn't cuddle. They were trying to undercut my life's work!"

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Satire  Published 11/16/17 12:00pm

Fraternity Brother Brings Cousin to Date Night

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Photo by Shauna Leigh Robinson / CC BY-NC 2.0


Date night season is upon us. College sophomore and brother of fraternity Chi Delt (XD) Dylan Hoffman is one of many students to feel the pressure of finding the perfect person to bring. “I asked this girl in my Social Psychology recitation, but she said she was busy that night,” said Hoffman. “Weird thing is I never even told her which night it was.”

Luckily, Hoffman had a back up plan. “I figured I’ll just do what I did for my senior prom--bring my cousin. I can’t have our rushes thinking I’m lame,” explained Hoffman. “Lots of people have told me my cousin is hot. Not that I would agree or anything. That would be weird, you know? Since we’re related.”

When the night of the event rolled around, Hoffman remembered feeling nervous. “The last time I saw my cousin was on our family trip to Martha’s Vineyard last summer. That’s kind of a different setting. There are no Vineyard Vines in District N9ne.” Turns out, the venue was the least of his worries. “I open the door expecting to find my hot — I mean familial — cousin Sarah, but instead it was my 12-year-old cousin Vincent. I guess my aunt didn’t really understand what I meant by ‘brotherhood event.’”

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Satire  Published 11/16/17 1:58am

BREAKING: Penn Dining Introduces Flavored Food

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Photo: The Daily Pennsylvanian


As numerous students are working out their meal plans for the upcoming semester by exchanging swipes and using up all their dining dollars, Penn Dining is making a groundbreaking move to change the dining landscape permanently.

In a surprise announcement that left the entire Penn community stunned, a spokesperson from Penn Dining has uncovered the organization’s latest groundbreaking move: flavored food.

This new food will reportedly contain hints of revolutionary seasoning like salt and pepper, and may even be slightly edible. Reports also indicate that some of the food might potentially be cooked without being burnt.

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Satire  Published 11/15/17 6:08pm

Student Who Spent 3 Hours Getting Resume to Fit One More Line Claims to Not Have Time to Do Anything Political on Campus

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Photo from Pexels / CC0


Sources confirm that College Junior Gideon M. (W ‘19), who claims that he does not have time to do anything political on campus, spent the entirety of Tuesday evening trying to fit one more line onto his resume.

“With the constant extracurricular commitments the average Penn student has, it just shouldn’t be expected for us to be politically involved,” says Gideon, who spent the hours of 1pm to 4pm on Election Day alternating the font size on his resume between 10.5 and 10.75, “it’s just crazy what takes up my day.” The finance major, who has asked rhetorically multiple times, “when would I even have time to do any research?” has rewritten the phrase “assisted in complex financial analysis” six different ways before deciding to omit it completely from his CV.

While living in Harrison College House, an official polling place from the hours of 8am to 5pm last Tuesday, Gideon also claims that most political activities on campus are a waste of time, and that “anything we could do would be so inconsequential as to never really matter in the long run.”

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