Satire  Published 06/21/18 10:19am

REPORT: 73% of Incoming Penn Freshmen Only Applied Because "Elon Musk Went There"


Photo by Heisenberg Media / CC By 2.0

Talk about an ambitious bunch of students! A recent Annenberg study reports that a staggering 73% of incoming members of Penn's Class of 2022 had the same motivation for applying to Penn - the university's (second) most famous alum. 

While Penn has its fair share of famous alumni, many of whom found great success in their time at the school, Elon Musk stood out to most freshmen due to his drive, ambition, and as one incoming student stated, "the fact that he's a billionaire". 

Incoming freshman Jeff Clarke (W '22) exclaimed that his idolization of Musk encouraged him to pursue the unbelievably original academic combination of Finance AND Computer Science. "I care about making a meaningful impact in the world, while helping those in need," claimed Clarke. "Also I want a yacht. Yeah. A yacht would be cool."

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Satire  Published 06/15/18 12:12am

​Large East Village Apartment Smells Suspiciously Of Being Paid For By Parents


Photo by Pixabay / CC0

Visitors to the East Village apartment of Ryan Bertrand (W ’19) have been complaining of a strange smell.

While exploring his one bedroom, one bathroom apartment with a large kitchen and spacious living room in a coveted area, Ryan’s friends noted a slight odor.

As they examined the plush, roomy sectional sofa and decorative sconces, the smell became stronger.

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Satire  Published 06/14/18 12:20am

Trump Cites "Way Too Many Fucking Canadians At Penn" As Reason For Strict New Tariffs


Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC 2.0

Penn alum Donald J. Trump (W '68) has clearly had enough with the infestation of Canadians at his alma matter. Earlier this week, the President took harsh measures to prevent more Canadians from entering the university, imposing strict tariffs on the trade of metals, natural resources, and of course, annoying Canadian students. 

"It's time to take a firm stance and reclaim what is rightfully ours," exclaimed Trump, 15 minutes after a seemingly friendly encounter with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. "Penn students ought to be from East New Jersey, West New Jersey, and Long Island. Not Vancouver or Toronto or Saskatchetoon. That's how it's always been and how it should remain."  

The Canadian Club of Penn posed strong opposition to these tariffs, with all 593 members of the Club releasing a joint statement. "We are deeply disturbed by President Trump's comments, and are certain he would not be saying such things if he were only to visit Vancouver during the spring. It's beautiful, I promise you. Have you ever been? NO? Oh, you're missing out. And while you're at it, you MUST check out Montreal. It's like you're in Europe!" 

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Satire  Published 06/09/18 12:15pm

Quiz: Do Your Summer Coworkers Hate You?


Photo by Trollbackco / CC BY-SA 4.0

It’s that time of year when Penn students are just getting settled in at their summer jobs. But settling in can lead to getting to comfortable, which could lead to your coworkers hating you. Take this quiz to stay ahead of the curve and find out if your coworkers think you’re a real dick.

When it’s getting close to lunchtime, your coworkers…

  1. Exchange subtle looks while typing on their computers and then all leave at the same time.
  2. Continue to stare intensely at their computers, because lunch is for weaklings.
  3. Decline to share your baloney in a Ziplock bag.
  4. Gradually go to get food at varying times each day.

You would describe your work wardrobe as…

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Satire  Published 06/05/18 10:29pm

Disappointing: Sarah Huckabee Sanders Greased White House Columns For Nothing


Photo (with edits) by angela n. / CC BY 2.0 and The White House / CC0

Can't a girl catch a break?

White House Press Secretary and Supreme Arbiter of Truth Sarah Huckabee Sanders was tasked this week with preparing the White House for the arrival of the Super Bowl Champions, the Philadelphia Eagles. With a lot on her plate already, she spent extra hours on the south lawn, greasing the columns of the portico so that rowdy members of the administration cannot cause even more destruction than they already have. 

Soon after Sanders completed the long and arduous job, President Trump suddenly cancelled the event all together, citing the potentially low attendance of alleged "sons of bitches". Sources close to Sanders reported that the Press Secretary, hands covered in Crisco, choked back tears of frustration as to not ruin her now-infamous smokey eyes. 

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Satire  Published 06/02/18 1:58pm

​Student’s Proudest Moment of Semester Getting 500 Likes on Penn Meme Page


Photo from StockSnap / CC0

College sophomore Justin Rankin finished the semester with a 3.8 GPA, completed writing seminar requirement, and internship at a Fortune 500 company. However, he boasts that his proudest moment of the semester was breaking 500 likes in the Official Unofficial Penn Squirrel Catching Club.

Having spent two years on the sidelines, watching and liking as friends and classmates achieved a few hours of glory, Rankin was delighted to stumble upon the perfect quote for a meme. After sending out the image to his closest friends, asking them for advice on the caption and their guarantee that they will throw him a like as soon as he posts it so he’s not left hanging, Rankin was ready to post.

He agonized over the best time of day to post in the group before he realized that the page is literally always active. The night before his Chemistry exam, he submitted his meme to the group. Rankin, the captain of his high school’s debate team, was terrified to put himself out there and swore not to check his Facebook again until after his exam. One can only imagine the boost it gave him, after exiting an exam on which he didn’t know how to answer half of a short answer question, to check his Facebook and receive the notification that his meme had gotten over 500 likes.

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Satire  Published 05/31/18 8:17am

​High School Reunion Uneventful: No One’s Gotten Fat Yet


Photo by Jeshoots / CC0

Last Thursday, the Spence School hosted its annual luncheon for the new college graduates. Katie Wilson (C’18) was delighted for the opportunity to rank herself against her former classmates, only to realize, much to her dismay, that no one in her graduating class has gotten fat yet. For Wilson, there would be no salacious rumors about pregnancies or adult-onset diabetes. Rather, the vast majority of the girls in attendance had only gotten more attractive with age.

Wilson was disappointed when, rather than regressing to her days of mocking her peers and hoping desperately that no one was doing the same to her, she spent the entire event listening to her classmates reminisce about when Juice Press was the only option for cold-pressed juices and raw vegan delicacies. She barely felt superior even when reminding her classes that there were still many more options than Juice Press in 2014.

Never one to stay down for long, Wilson has expressed optimism that someone will have gotten fat by their five- or ten-year reunions. 

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Satire  Published 05/29/18 7:36am

‘I’m Not Abusing This Elephant, He Loves It!’ Says Clueless Graduated Senior in Thailand


Photo by Vyacheslav Argenberg / CC BY 2.0

CJ Hoffman (W ’18) and fourteen of his closest Upsilon Gamma brothers wanted to treat themselves after their recent graduation. You know, since the treat of an Ivy League degree fully paid by their hardworking parents while remaining wholly financially dependent just wasn’t enough.

So, they did what Penn kids know best: follow the trends of your extra af classmates and flock to Southeast Asia.

Hoffman wanted an authentic, immersive experience during his time abroad, especially while in Thailand. His primary mode of transportation went from Ubers to tuk-tuks, he silently allowed his masseuse to get a little handsy, and he even ordered his chicken pad thai with medium spice instead of mild. It’s like he’s a native! This was until he and his group of bros decided to check out the elephant “sanctuary”.

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Satire  Published 05/28/18 8:10am

Wow! This Cool, Professional Summer Intern Wore a Satchel Instead of a Backpack!


Photo from MaxPixel / CC0

On his first day of his new internship, rising Senior Carl Jefferson entered the office feeling perplexed. Accustomed to crowds of students wearing similar backpacks across campus, he was shocked to see a sudden disappearance of this accessory he had come to love and respect. 

Jefferson, who can regularly be spotted on campus with one of his four Hershel backpacks, decided that an upgrade was necessary for his latest professional endeavor. 

"At school, I'm a young stud. But at work, I'm a young professional," remarked Jefferson. "I can't be spotted wearing any of these 'hip' backpacks or none of my co-workers will take me seriously."

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Satire  Published 05/26/18 12:58pm

Report: 3 Residents Show Up to Free Diamond-Cutting Event Advertised in Rodin Listserv


Photo by Ayako Kano / The Daily Pennsylvanian

As a study break during finals week, Rodin College House recently hosted a diamond-cutting workshop in its Rooftop Lounge. The event, held on the evening of the last day of classes, was free of charge to any Rodin resident and allowed each participant to walk away with a small but precious cut diamond. 

However, attendance was inexplicably low: only three residents attended the workshop, including the RA who had organized it. Baffled, house staff watched as hundreds of well-dressed students streamed out of the Rodin lobby.

"I've been advertising this event in the Rodin listserv for the past two weeks," said the confused RA who had organized the workshop. "I mean, we really went all out for this one, since we didn't use up our budget earlier in the year when our residents were requesting funding for hall events."

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