Satire  Published 01/13/18 3:48pm

BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Refers to School of Arts and Sciences as 'Total Dump' in Board Meeting


Photo by Rachel Meyer / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn President Amy Gutmann referred to the School of Arts and Sciences as a "total dump" during a Board of Trustees meeting Thursday night, sources say. 

Gutmann reportedly grew irritated with board members during the meeting when the subject of budgets for the 12 respective schools within the University was brought up. "Why are we giving any more money to that total dump school?" Gutmann said in reference to the School of Arts and Sciences, according to a secretary present at the meeting who asked to remain anonymous. Three other witnesses independently confirmed this claim.

Gutmann then suggested that more of the budget's resources should be allocated to the Engineering, Medical, and Law schools. "Why do we need any more of these liberal arts students? Take them out [of the budget]," she reportedly said later in the evening. 

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Satire  Published 01/13/18 1:22pm

Freshman Doing Recruitment Not Planning on Pledging Sorority, Just Loves Small Talk


Photo by Joy Lee / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Walking around campus this past week, sorority rush stood out like a sore thumb. Droves of freshman and sophomore women were standing outside in the cold, waiting to be let into the sorority houses with the possibility of one day becoming a sister. The range of reasons as to what had brought each Ivy League student to the rain covered steps of these sorority houses varied greatly. For some it was the hopes of finding a bigger group of friends, for some it was the appeal of parties and a bigger social life, but for Abby Gallagher (C '21), it was small talk. Abby is obsessed with small talk.

In an interview with Gallagher’s roommate Tara Carter (E '21), she made it clear Abby did not want to be part of a sorority. When we asked why, Tara emphasized she not only did she not know, but also, after three months of living with her, knew next to nothing about Abby as a human being.

“I don’t know, we don’t really get around to talking about deep things very often. Every conversation we’ve had since I got to school, she’s asked me what my hobbies are,” Tara said. “One time I asked her what her feelings on North Korea were, and she just responded, ‘haha totally.’”

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Satire  Published 01/12/18 3:46am

​Students Excited to Drink Recklessly With School Friends After Three Weeks of Drinking Recklessly With Home Friends


Photo by Jirka Matousek / CC-BY-2.0

Returning to campus after winter break, students are eager to consume alcohol in dangerous ways with their college friends again.

Kayla Johnson (E ’20) spent her break boozing without inhibition with her high school friends. “It’s always fun to see those friends again and drink alcohol in ways that endanger our health,” she said.

The opportunity to see old friends is Johnson’s favorite thing about going home for break. “It’s great to catch up with them and reminisce about high school while becoming so inebriated that we expose ourselves to greatly increased risk of bodily harm or brain damage.”

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Satire  Published 01/12/18 3:46am

6 New Year's Resolutions That Scream 'I Feel Like I've Stagnated and Can No Longer Achieve Meaningful Personal Growth At Penn'


Photo by / CC0

It's January 1st, you're outwardly excited for the New Year and thrilled to set out some fresh goals to prove to everyone else that you're a person who's constantly evolving. Unfortunately, no one's buying the illusion of growth that you're putting forward. If you've got any of these New Year's Resolutions, I sincerely apologize for blowing up your spot.

1. Meet a new person every day!

Desperate to break out of the cycle of familiar faces you encounter as you sleepwalk through the day, you vow to open up and try to talk to a new stranger daily. Things started off well until Day 4, when you met a dude who insisted on showing you his personal juul collection. I wouldn’t bet on this one lasting longer than another week.

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Satire  Published 01/12/18 3:46am

What the Net Neutrality Repeals Mean for PennInTouch (Hint: It Still Sucks)


Photo by Joy Lee / The Daily Pennsylvanian

As you may have heard about a month ago, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) voted to repeal net neutrality—the idea that all data on the Internet should be treated as the same by service providers.

No one really knows what this means for the future of the Internet, but many experts contend that it may cause slowdowns on networks. Some argue that as competition inevitably increases, the Internet will get even faster.

We, at UTB, take analysis seriously and wanted to explore the implications of the repeal for one of Penn’s most important Internet services, PennInTouch. In the end, our findings were pretty trivial and you could have probably guessed the results. Here they are anyway:

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Satire  Published 01/11/18 12:00pm

Sad: This Student Uses the Phrase 'High School Friends' to Describe His Mother


Photo (with edits) by Tony Alter / CC 2.0

In a stunning turn of events, current friends of College sophomore Paul Nowicki have discovered that every time their friend mentioned his ‘high school friends,’ he was in fact talking about his mother.

They grew suspicious when, though he constantly mentioned playing backgammon, playing video games, and graffiting elementary schools with friends from high school, they could find no evidence of him having a single friend from high school.

After hiring a private investigator to track Nowicki over winter break, this group of friends proved what they had started to suspect: All Nowicki’s stories about his friends from high school were in fact about his mother.

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Satire  Published 01/10/18 2:34am

"I Don't Need to Buy My Friends," Says Freshman Girl Who Forgot to Sign up for Sorority Rush


Photo by Kristin Vogt / CC0

Sorority recruitment season is upon us, and freshman girls will soon line the icy streets in the hope of securing a coveted bid. 

But not everyone will be lacing up their wedges and strapping on their bodysuits this week. 

Alexa Stedman (C '21) is one of the few female students in her class who has chosen to forgo the rite-of-passage that is sorority rush. Sitting on the standard-issue wooden reclining chair in her sparsely decorated Quad dorm, Stedman explained why she sealed her fate as an eternal GDI. 

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Satire  Published 01/10/18 2:10am

OP-ED: University Plays God by Applying Monday Schedule to Wednesday


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

I’m a simple man. I eat three square meals a day, I do my homework, and I always wear snow boots after November. I know my limits.

This University does not.

Today: Wednesday, January 10th, Penn will flagrantly defy God’s natural order by declaring that the day will function on a Monday schedule.

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Satire  Published 12/21/17 7:33pm

'Finals Were Brutal This Year,' Says Guy Who Had Two Take-Home Literature Exams


Photo by COD Newsroom / CC BY 2.0

Most people at Penn work hard, but finals season always separates the most exceptional (and busy) students from the rest. Victor Palmer (C ‘20), a Pittsburgh native, has faced more a far more grueling, demanding end of the semester than the majority of his peers.

This semester, Palmer’s excruciating finals schedule consisted of not one, but two take-home exams for his introductory-level English Literature classes. Both were due on the last day of the finals period, and Palmer's other two classes had no finals. This was still a notable step up from previous semesters, when Palmer’s final exams consisted of blog discussion posts and coloring book activities.

According to Palmer’s roommate Rick Lee (E '20), who is double-majoring in electrical engineering and nanotechnology and had 8 finals this year, Palmer could be spotted “frantically pacing around the apartment at 4 am night after night, struggling to come up with the perfect witty title for his essay on Pride and Prejudice.

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Satire  Published 12/18/17 1:05pm

'You're More Than a Number:' Sobbing Professor Comforted by Friends After PCR Rating Falls Below 3.5


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Even in undergrad, people knew Henry Glocksen was going places. As a tenured professor at Penn, Glocksen revolutionized his highly esoteric subfield of mathematics and won a series of awards for exceptional teaching ability.

But it seems that was all for nothing.

Last Saturday, Glocksen learned that he’d lost the most important distinction that a distinguished professor can obtain: a Penn Course Review teacher quality rating exceeding 3.5.

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