Satire  Published 01/11/17 6:21pm

Is Dr. Dre Our Next Provost?

A video of Provost Vincent Price rapping at commencement last year has garnered some 66,000 views. Having a rapper as Provost has been great, and we don't want it to end when Price goes to Duke. So we reached out to the real Leo Charney, Executive Director of Communications at the Office of the Provost, to see if our next Provost will spit fire.

Mr. Charney responded quickly, reminding us that "Dre is a Dr. after all so there's that". We can only assume that Dr. Dre is our next Provost. This is good news-- a Provost with bars is exactly what we need.

News  Published 01/10/17 2:26pm

Dean Furda Confirms His Safety With Dashing New Photograph

A charming smile. Elegant, dark wood in the background. Thick, lustrous hair—styled like a movie star. A tastefully unbuttoned shirt. Ladies and gentlemen, Dean Furda is alive and well.

Furda tweeted at us on December 23rd, 2016 to make clear his good health and good spirits in wake of our article questioning his whereabouts. We can rest easy, knowing he is safe. Thank you, Dean Furda, for all that you do. We wouldn't be here without you, because you are the dean of admissions.

 Published 01/01/17 4:43pm

Apply to Join UTB!

Follow this link to apply to join the UTB writing staff! You'll meet great people, have a blast, share your creativity with the campus, and get branded (non-negotiable). The application is due at 11:59 pm on January 18th. Email if you have any questions. 

Satire  Published 12/21/16 4:08pm

BREAKING: Biden to Accept RA Position in Quad

Politico announced that Joe Biden will "set up shop" at Penn after his term as Vice President is over. Aside from this vague statement, neither the school nor the White House would speak to what exactly Biden planned to do at Penn, where his granddaughter Naomi recently graduated.

Finally, the White House broke its silence. Biden plans to take a position as a Resident Advisor, also known as an RA, in the Quad. Sources close to the Vice President indicated that he considered an RA position in Rodin, too, until he was informed that it's the worst college house. The Vice President's spokesperson Meghan Dubyak spoke to UTB.

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News  Published 12/13/16 8:17pm

UTB Demands Photo Evidence Of Dean Furda's Existence

UTB recently uncovered some sketchy stuff about the Daily Pennsylvanian’s photo(s?) of Dean Furda. After a radical public outcry, we felt obligated to go further with our investigative journalism.

Why would the DP only have one photo of Dean Furda for the many articles he’s featured in? Why has Amy Gutmann refused to comment on the lack of photographic documentation of Dean Furda? Why hasn’t he been live on facebook recently? Why haven’t his recent tweets been following his usual iambic pentameter style? After some serious research, we’ve come up with only one possible explanation:

Dean Furda has been missing for the last 19 months (the photo was first seen in print in March 2015). We see no other possible explanation. We regret that this information had to be revealed right before finals, and we definitely don’t not think the administration shouldn’t not cancel finals because of it.

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News  Published 12/13/16 6:30pm

Donald Trump Doesn't Want You To See These Photos

President-Elect, Time's Person of the Year Award, Wharton alum, and... small hat wearer? In these previously-unreleased pictures, we see a new facet of controversial figure Donald Trump. Trump (W ’68) was dressed to the nines at the Wharton Club's 44th Annual Wharton Award Dinner back in 2014, where he received the Joseph Wharton Award. But what struck us was Trump's unique, likely divisive choice of accessory. Some may love this fashion choice, while others may hate it. Now that he's won the election, perhaps we will see these tiny fedoras (to compliment his tiny hands) make a comeback in the White House in 2017.

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Satire  Published 12/13/16 4:39pm

Gingerbread Goldman Sachs Wins Competition At Winter Whartonland

The results of Winter Whartonland's gingerbread house competition have been hotly anticipated, but they come as no surprise. The grand prize winner was a gingerbread recreation of 30 Hudson Street, Jersey City, New Jersey, better known as the Goldman Sachs Tower.

"Not only is it home to a fantastic company, but it's also the tallest building in New Jersey," one student who attended the event told us. "The judges made the right choice."

Features  Published 12/13/16 1:18pm

Shocking: Daily Pennsylvanian Only Has One Photo Of Dean Furda

Is the failing Daily Pennsylvanian in such shambles that they only have one photo of Dean Eric Furda? It's certainly possible. Hell, let's just say that it's more than likely. 

For every article that involves admissions, the DP uses the same photo. Just look at him, smiling as he holds what we can only assume to be a craftily-worded rejection letter. It's a perfectly nice photo, don't get us wrong. Yet, it's a bit more than odd that they resort to using the same photo over and over again...unless, of course, they only have one.

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News  Published 12/12/16 4:11pm

After Backlash, Canvas Font Is Now Wingdings

Due to significant backlash against the sudden font change in Canvas, Penn administration has decided to change the font once again—this time to Wingdings. The switch clearly provides Canvas with a more professional appearance, and Wingding's symbolic nature may facilitate communication with the sizable illiterate community at Penn.

When asked for comment as to the official reason for the change, a representative for the administration explained, "pointing hand, diamond, fancy M, ampersand, carrot in box, outlined box, solid diamond."

News  Published 12/12/16 2:31pm

You Can Now Wear Your Canada Goose

It's cold now. 

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