Satire  Published 05/10/17 3:42pm

BREAKING: James Comey to Head Penn's Fight Against Off-Campus Organizations


Photo by Rich Girard / CC BY-SA 2.0

Only a day after he was fired by the Trump administration, former F.B.I. director James Comey has already found new employment. 

Maureen Rush, Vice President for Public Safety and Superintendent of Penn Police, delivered a prepared statement announcing the selection of James Comey as Director of Off-Campus Investigation on Wednesday afternoon. 

"As time passes, the needs of the Penn community change. We have been successful in reducing crime and making campus a less dangerous place, but now it's time to refocus and accept a larger responsibility to keep Penn students safe. As we all know, off-campus organizations represent a major threat to the wellbeing of Penn students. For that reason, we are bringing in former Director of the F.B.I. James Comey to serve as the new Director of Off-Campus Investigation."

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Satire  Published 05/09/17 3:35pm

Slowest Penn Relays Runner Finally Crosses Finish Line


Photo: Ilana Wurman / The Daily Pennsylvanian

It took almost two weeks for runner Blake Claras to cross the finish line-- a new record in his event, the 10,000-meter run. The record, unfortunately, is for the slowest recorded time. When he finished, he was the only person still participating in a Penn Relays event

Claras, a rising junior at the University of Northern North Carolina, began the race on the morning of April 27th in Franklin Field. He finished at 12:44 pm on May 9th, stopping the timer at slightly more than 12 days.

On his way to completing the 10,000-meter race (equivalent to two 5k races, or about 6.2 miles), Claras says that he tried to make a quick pit stop, but ended up getting sidetracked.

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Satire  Published 05/08/17 4:42pm

Fraternity Brother Proud to Have Completed Two Hours of Community Service This Year


Photo by Clinton Steeds / CC 2.0

As the year ends and finals season comes to a close, many students take a moment to reflect on their year at Penn. Some celebrate their own academic success, new friends they made, or their personal growth. Others, like College sophomore Ben Stincott, are a bit more selfless.

"Looking back, I think I'm most proud of the work I did serving the community alongside my brothers," said Stincott, a member of on-campus fraternity Lambda Omega Lambda. "There really is no feeling like helping those who need it."

Stincott, who spent a total of two hours in the last two semesters doing community service, says that volunteering is incredibly important to him. "In 12th grade I volunteered at a soup kitchen once, because I had to as punishment after I got in a fight in gym class, but also because I wanted to. It really changed the way I perceived things — I was like, wow, being poor sucks. Ever since, I knew I needed to help those less fortunate than me."

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Satire  Published 05/01/17 12:19pm

Atlanta Falcons Waive Alek Torgersen After Discovering He Doesn't Go to Penn State


Photo: Corey Fader / 34th Street Magazine

A tough break for one of the all-time Ivy League greats.

Only days after the Atlanta Falcons signed Penn quarterback Alek Torgersen as an undrafted free agent, the NFL team has announced that they will be waiving the talented senior. A spokesperson for the team sent us a press release:

"We were prepared to welcome Mr. Torgersen into the program with open arms, and were excited for the future. Unfortunately, there was a miscommunication somewhere and we recently found out that Mr. Torgersen attends the University of Pennsylvania, a school entirely unaffiliated with Pennsylvania State University, commonly known as Penn State. It appears that the University of Pennsylvania is sometimes referred to as Penn, which led us to erroneously believe that Mr. Torgersen played for the well-known Nittany Lions.

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Satire  Published 04/29/17 1:08pm

Fed Up Wharton Students to Create a More Inclusive “University Republicans”


After Donald Trump was elected as the 45th President, many people were discouraged about the state of the country. They feared that the progress made for equal rights and inclusivity would be reversed by the new administration.

Luckily, here at Penn, everything is perfect always and no one is ever excluded or marginalized ever — but for one small exception. So three brave Wharton sophomores decided to create a new club to stop arbitrary and unjust discrimination once and for all.

“College Republicans has been excluding Wharton, Nursing, and Engineering students since the group was created,” Jack Fisher (W ‘19) told us. “I mean, just look at the name. We decided it was time for us to stop accepting the inequality, stand up, and make a difference.”

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Satire  Published 04/28/17 5:29pm

Meet the Engineering PhD Student Who Isn’t a Rapper But Is Pretty Good At Juggling


Photo by Peter Vidor / CC0

You may know of Clyde Kelly, the Penn student “famous” for rapping who was a consultant at McKinsey & Company before enrolling at Wharton for an MBA. However, some talented Penn students prefer to fly under the radar, such as Josh Ross, an PhD student in Chemical Engineering. Ross isn’t a rapper—in fact, he has no musical ability whatsoever— but claims there is something that makes him stand out slightly among his peers.

“I juggle,” Ross says. “I juggle kind of well.”

Ross began his hobby at the age of eight, when he received a juggling set for his birthday. It took a while for the skills to set in, but after a year he was able to successfully juggle three balls for fifteen seconds. According to his mother, Ross was a natural.

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Satire  Published 04/28/17 4:53pm

Trump-mann Tweet of the Day


/ The Daily Pennsylvanian

Satire  Published 04/28/17 3:39pm

Heroic: Sophomore Wins Political Argument by Shouting "Free Speech" at Opponent


Photo by Lori / CC 2.0

Not all heroes wear capes.

College sophomore Harry Cooper has been scoring victory after victory after implementing a new debate strategy that allows him to simply negate his opponent's argument by yelling "free speech" at them. The discovery came last week when he was in a heated discussion with one of his peers on Locust.

Cooper was making an argument that many find to not only be logically problematic, but also highly offensive. "My friend kept debating me, besting me at every turn by using basic logic and appealing to common ethical values," Cooper explained. "But then I had a stroke of genius and decided to use the nuclear option."

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Satire  Published 04/28/17 1:00pm

Here Are the Best Startups from the Penn Wharton Startup Challenge


Photo by / CC0

Classes may be finished for the academic year, but startup culture at Wharton has no intentions of slowing down. Today, the Wharton School held its annual Startup Challenge Showcase, where the semifinalists across all the Penn schools presented some of the greatest ideas in entrepreneurship right now. What followed was an afternoon of brilliant young minds coming together to pitch innovative startups, hear from impressive panelists, humblebrag about the experience of attaining so much success at such a young age, and of course, network with the best of them. Here are some of the most ingenious startup ideas that made it to the showcase:


Formality is a mobile app designed to pair students in need of a companion for date nights, formals, and any other one-night-only-please-never-contact-me-again events. Perfect for when your roommate's cousin's best friend's grandlittle inevitably bails on you last-minute.

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Satire  Published 04/27/17 4:19pm

Trump-mann Tweet Of The Day


Photo: Meredith Mitchell / The Daily Pennsylvanian

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