News  Published 15 hours ago

PSA: Elizabeth Banks On Campus To Register Voters

Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that Joe Biden is on campus. That said, the Vice President isn’t the only celeb strolling down Locust Walk today. Penn Alum Elizabeth Banks is joining Penn for Hillary and Penn Dems today, to register voters! She will be at the LGBT Center from 4:30 to 6pm. So drop everything and head over. There will always be another class/recitation/midterm but how often do you get to hang out with a famous person? Also, voting is important. Your professors will understand.


 Published 17 hours ago

Rooster Party Threatens UTB Then Chickens Out

Lo and behold, the Rooster Party v. Decency saga continues. Following our previous post that called into question the actions of Rooster Party's presidential candidate for student government, Matthew Schnitzer, UTB received a threat from the party to "watch our backs." Minutes later, the post was deleted. 

The four remaining presidential candidates for student government will be allowed to campaign from today to Wednesday, September 28, noon. Needless to say, UTB couldn't care less. For those of you who are assaulted by candidates on your way to class however, here's a quick guide on how to subdue a snake. 


News  Published 21 hours ago

Rooster Party Leader Cocks Over Fellow Class Board Candidates

Elections for student government took place last week. Oh? You don't care? Neither do we, usually, but some people really care. Some people care to the extent that they will sue their peers in NEC court for personal gain. We won't delve into the intricacies of the NEC code because neither of us gives a shit about that. However, we will call out some shady behavior by a member of UTB's favorite political party of the rooster variety. Don't say we didn't warn you about these guys.

This past weekend, Rooster Party member Matthew Schnitzer, certified Blazer Boy, brought charges against two of his fellow candidates in a successful effort to eliminate them from the election. His ex-opponents were favored to win the election before being disqualified. Schnitzer has publicly stated that he intended to create a "level playing field" and that he acted in the best interest of the student body. We at UTB (most likely along with most of the people at the hearing on Saturday) call bullshit.

On the Rooster Party Facebook page, Schnitzer admits that his motives may seem "dubious". He's correct in his assessment and we applaud his astuteness. During his testimony, Schnitzer reveals that he had known about the violations for some time before the election. If he had filed his complaint at the time of the violation (as many did throughout the election), his peers would have been asked to rectify the problem with no serious consequence. However, Schnitzer withheld his complaint until after the election, forcing the penalty of disqualification upon his peers rather than actually working to solve the problem in real time. It was clear from the hearing that his moves were calculated and his motives less-than-honest, with one member of the audience pretty much asking him directly about why he was being so damn shady (in other words, of course).

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Features  Published 09/23/16 3:00pm

CAPS LOCK MALFUNCTION RESULTS IN AGGRESSIVE EMAIL TO PROFESSOR

Communication is a key component of everyday life. Something as simple as a broken caps lock key can make the difference between a pleasant, respectful interaction and an overtly aggressive one. Jacob Edwards (C'20) recently learned this lesson.

"IT WAS JUST A SIMPLE EMAIL TO MY WRITING SEM PROFESSOR," says Edwards. "I WAS HAVING SOME TROUBLE WITH SOME OF THE DIRECTIONS ON AN ASSIGNMENT, SO I DECIDED TO SEND AN EMAIL," he continued.

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 Published 09/23/16 12:43pm

Race to the UA 2K16: People Making Promises They Can't Deliver

Unless you live under a rock, you're probably aware that this week a bunch of freshmen battled it out to see who could make it most obvious that they did student government in high school (Ed Note: Oh, you do live under a rock? Well sorry for disturbing you, go back to your hovel you little, beautiful, troll). As Penn's resident SWUGs, we're back once more to shamelessly judge these candidates posters. Elections may have ended at 5 PM yesterday, but that certainly won't stop us from having an opinion. 

Rahul Chopra

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News  Published 09/22/16 6:05pm

I Whip My Bananas Back And Forth

Brangelina split got you down? Forget that true love doesn’t exist, grab a friend, and head over to Hip City Veg, because HCV is offering a BOGO banana whip deal today only! For those of you who don’t know the lingo, or just prefer chicken over “chik’n”, BOGO= buy one get one free and banana whip= ambiguous amount of bananas whipped together in a hidden location in the back of the restaurant. See you there!

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 Published 09/22/16 4:08pm

Free Saxbys Pumpkin Cold Brew Today - Fall is here! Snag a free cold brew at Saxbys all day today.


Features  Published 09/21/16 3:13pm

On The Issues (Class Board Election Edition): Water Fountain Platforms

Every night, I am haunted by the same nightmare. I'm walking along Locust on my way to DRL when I suddenly clutch my throat, gripped with a parchedness like no man before me has experienced. I fall to my knees on the compass and crawl my way to Ben on the Bench. I grab Ben's leg and look into his knowing eyes, begging for refreshment. I waste away on the red bricks. If only there were more water fountains on campus. I can only imagine that most of my fellow Quakers have experienced the same nightmare scene.

No?

Well that's because no one is kept up at night by some strange perceived lack of water fountains on campus. However, candidates running for the Class Board of 2020 seem to identify this as a key issue to address during their time in office. It's time to stop.

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 Published 09/20/16 12:55pm

Dear UA Candidates: Stop Promising Longer Dining Hall Hours

A word of advice to the freshmen running for UA positions: don't tell people you're gonna get longer dining hall hours. Just don't. That's not how this works. There's a fucking union. Nothing you can ever do is gonna change that. Focus on the things you actually achieve, like doing typical freshman things or training to become a serial arsonist.


News  Published 09/19/16 4:33pm

Are You The Mayer Hall Arsonist? If So, Join UTB!

If you attempted to burn down Mayer Hall, we think you'd be a perfect fit for Under the Button. We are still trying to finish Lorenzo's work, so if you are interested, apply here!


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