Satire  Published 9 hours ago

OP-ED: I Only Go to Career Fairs So I Can Get Free Cups For My Kitchen


Photo by AlbertHerring / CC BY 2.0

I am employed. I am not looking for a job. So people ask me, “Why do you keep going to career fairs?” Well, I go to get new cups for my kitchen.

No, I don’t particularly like asking 20-something tech recruiters about their company culture or the most challenging aspect of their job. But I do like the free, bright orange plastic cups they give out at career fairs.

My kitchen is decorated with cups from the highest-tier investment banks, consulting companies, and law firms. Do I know what any of these businesses do? Absolutely not. But I really like drinking out of the blue Deloitte mug. It keeps my coffee pretty warm.

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

Psycho or Genius? Tyler Drank Milk


Photo by Jonah Weinbaum / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Oh, yeah. Oooh, yeah, baby. He did it. That absolute psycho Tyler drank milk.

Bet you didn’t expect him to drink that milk, even though he has a glass with every meal. But he did. He sure did. Tyler threw back that milk like it was water, straight down his throat.

He drank that milk so nonchalantly.

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

Report: 'The Climb' by Miley Cyrus Written About 38th St. Bridge


Photo by Katie Zhao / The Daily Pennsylvanian

In a recent announcement by singer, actress and Penn alum Miley Cyrus, Cyrus revealed that her hit single “The Climb” was written about the Class of 1949 Bridge on Locust Walk and 38th Street.

“Walking up that motherfucker feels like climbing Mt. Everest,” she stated in an interview with VICE News. “I’m always wheezing by the time I make it to the other side, but you gotta stay optimistic, you know? There’s always gonna be another mountain, and you’re always gonna want to make it move. And climbing that bridge is definitely an uphill battle.”

Cyrus’s announcement has drawn the attention of Penn administration, who is, as President Amy Gutmann said in a recent press release, “very proud to have such an influential figure as a member of the Penn community. The bridge is one of the most iconic attributes of Penn’s campus. It’s a difficult walk, but much like the walk of life, the road to success is never easy. It’s a metaphor for the struggles that all students will face through their lives, but just as they’ll make it over the bridge successfully—albeit a bit out of breath—they’ll get through life successfully as well. It’s all about, it’s all about the climb. Whoa, yeah.”

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

OP-ED: My Boyfriend's a Drummer, So I'm Not Worried About Using the Rhythm Method


Photo by Karina / CC BY-SA 2.0

It’s true what they say about musicians. My little drummer boy knows how to bang bang bang. The best part? We get to do it unprotected thanks to a little something called the rhythm method. 

Look, I know this is hard to hear. You were already jealous because my bae has played in two different Penn Records shows and your boy…? Well, he missed voice auditions to buy you Plan B. I can’t help the way my man moves, though. I’m a complex and spontaneous woman. I need a real music man to feel the rhythm of my body, and I finally found one up to the challenge.

He has the entire thing down to a science. It’s gotten to the point where my body craves him so much that I stopped getting my period so I can have him any time. You have a condom and Auntie Flo between you and your man? Shame. While your boy grew up in New York and learned about classical music and IUDs, my man was in Texas learning rock and abstinence. He’s a total sex machine. My roommates don’t even mind the noise. After all, not everyone can bang the bed against the wall in a perfect 4/4 double paradiddle. It’s literally music to their ears. My advice to you? Ditch your singer and get yourself a real musician—one who needs to use his hands to play.

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Gratitude Post: My Roommate Leaves Pubic Hair All Over the Bathroom so If She Commits a Crime, I Have DNA Samples


Photo by Erika Wittlieb / CC0

My roommate is the absolute best. Some roomies bake each other cookies, have spa nights, or watch movies together, but my roommate is much more considerate: she leaves her pubic hair all over the bathroom, so that if she commits a crime, I have DNA samples that can ensure a speedy trial and a swift conviction. She’s the best!

Not that I think my roommate is going to commit a crime, but let’s be honest, we all have our breaking points. Temptation comes in many forms. Hers might be theft, because she has finished my milk twice without asking, and then put its cold, lifeless form back in the fridge without a single drop left, because god knows she isn’t going to recycle it herself. But I don’t mind sharing! Or it could be embezzlement, an extension of when she pays the rent late and I have to cover it until she sends me a Venmo reimbursement in the middle of the night, weeks later. She’s so quirky!

But don’t worry: these are small things. If she commits a violent crime, I’ve got her. She’ll leave a hair, pubic or otherwise, at the crime scene, and as soon as she’s a suspect I’ll be able to go to the police with the growing piles of pubes I’ve picked up from the toilet seat, clogging the shower drain, swirling in the sink until I can’t even wash my hands without the water bubbling up into a hairy mass. Living with her is such an adventure!

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Wow! This Frat Painted Five Hula Hoops For Their Olympics Party


Photo (with edits) by Rene Asmussen / CC0 and from Pxhere / CC0

The brothers of Rho Iota Chi (RICH) were running out of themes. They could only throw so many parties with a jungle theme, and their Frat themed frat party was not a hit. Some of their more ambitious themes had not worked out either, due to the general lack of artistic talent and motivation among the brothers—their Valentine’s Day party featured poorly cut out hearts hung with floss from the ceiling, which made for a fairly depressing atmosphere.

Luckily, one of the brothers remembered that this year presented an unusual opportunity, one that comes around only once every four years. “Of course!” the brothers all simultaneously thought to themselves. “A Winter Olympics theme!”

But how could it be done? Sure, they could have an ice luge and maybe cut out some snowflakes, but how would people know it was an Olympics theme? After several hours of brainstorming, one brother finally found the solution: paint five hula hoops in the olympics colors! With a little string, tape, and luck, they could perfectly recreate the Olympics symbol, throw the best party ever, and finally score a date with the people who rejected them on Valentine's Day.

Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Guy Who Led 'Fuck Tom Brady' Chant Cheated on Every Math 114 Midterm


Photo by Santeri Viinamäki / CC BY 4.0

On the night of February 4th, the Philadelphia Eagles made history as they claimed their first ever Super Bowl. Thousands of students from Penn alone raced down Walnut Street, headed towards Center City for post-game celebrations.

Andrew Turner (C '21), an Eagles fan since December 2017 and a New York native, was ecstatic the entire walk there. He started many chants, but one especially stood out. Virtually everyone in his vicinity joined him the moment he yelled:


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Satire  Published 02/18/18 8:15am

It Happened to Me: Trapped in the Mark's Cafe Display Case


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

It started out so innocent, so innocuous.

There I was, in the VP basement toiling for hours, when I got up to replenish my strength with some coffee and a snack. My eyes had been scorched by the light of my computer screen, and Mark’s Café, with its dank, den-like aura, seemed to be the perfect nook in which to give them respite. I was walking up to the counter to order my coffee when I first saw it: the case that appeared to be my salvation, but ended up as my prison. 

It was a cornucopia of nourishment. Pulsating display lights illuminated its salty and sweet delights, and I found myself drawn to it. Before I could register what was happening, I dropped to my knees as if the force of my stress-hunger became personified and shoved me to the ground. Voracious, wanting, needing, I plucked the case’s bounty from its cold belly with both hands, only stopping to toss my PennCard at the employee and grunt, “Bursar it.

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Satire  Published 02/18/18 8:15am

OP-ED: Jimmy and His Gay Dance Moves Are Ruining My Frat’s Culture


Photo by Mauricio Mascaro / CC0

It was just another frat party. Then Jimmy started voguing.

For centuries, if not longer, frats have been a sacred and necessary part of our country. They build brotherhood, cultivate sexual relationships, and train men for the real world.

My frat is no different. If anything, we’re one of the better ones at Penn. We throw a couple parties a week, where alcohol is the only release from an otherwise horrifying experience of large men with splotchy skin.

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Satire  Published 02/18/18 8:15am

Feminist Win: All-White Exec Board of Penn Republican Society Is 22% Female Compared to 19.4% of US Congress


Photo by Joody Runtgon / CC0

The Penn Republican Society (PRS) may be one of countless political groups on campus, but it is certainly one of the few leading the charge in issues of diversity and representation.

PRS President Dan Johnson (C ‘19) issued a statement on the issue of gender inequality in politics earlier this week at the first PRS meeting of the semester. “We are proud to say that the PRS board is far more representative of the US population than Congress,” he said. “We have more women in leadership positions than ever, and we even have a member of the LGBTQ community on board. You’re a cool dude, Todd, and feel free to bring your boyfriend to meetings.”

When asked about racial minority representation, Johnson responded that citizenship only belongs to “people whose ancestors were born in this country. [Their] parents don’t count. So technically no minorities are citizens.” Johnson had no response when questioned about his own ancestry or about the citizenship status of Native Americans.

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