Satire  Published 15 hours ago

New Deli at Franklin's Table Bites the Bullet and Names Itself 'Product of Gentrification'


Photo by MsSaraKelly / CC BY 2.0

Franklin’s Table recently opened at 36th and Walnut, and it has already drawn criticism from the Penn community for its steep prices and inaccessibility to locals.

A new deli popping up at the food court has decided to capitalize on this, and will call itself “Product of Gentrification,” with several menu items playing on that theme.

One such item is their “Town and Gown Turkey Club,” in which light meat is inside of the sandwich, and darker cuts are strewn about the plate carelessly.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

​Fraternity Filthy Rushes Class of 2022


Photo by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Fraternity rush is competitive. There is only a finite number of perfectly preppy boys to go around. That’s why this year some brothers have been going to Quaker Days, where they are on the lookout for any future students that have that to-be swagger.

However, there are way more future Quakers than there are brothers, and too many people for the frats to adequately get to. As a result, fraternity brothers have gotten creative in their methods of advertising their organizations to potential rushes.

Laurence Cooper (C '19) of fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha (also known as AAA's) has infiltrated the ranks of the tour guides in order to directly promote AAA's. He treats most the job as a regular tour guide would—stopping at Van Pelt, explaining the toast throwing on Franklin Field, and giving students a sneak peak of what the outside of their quad dorms will look like —but when the group passes his chapter house, Cooper goes into a long speech about AAA's reputation as the social hub on campus. Other fraternities have since followed suit and have been handing out anything from custom lighters to lettered Sperrys.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

OP-ED: My Name is Molly, I’m a Virgin, and I’m Sick of People Saying They Did Me During Fling


Photo by Chase Sutton / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Hi. For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Molly Applebaum, and some really hurtful rumors have been circulating about me lately. I contacted UTB to get my story out, and I hope this article sets the record straight: nobody did me during fling.

I don’t know how or why targets of slut shaming are picked, but the rumor mill has been churning out some terrible things lately. I’ve heard at least 10 frat guys say they did me over the weekend, and I’ve never met any of them in my life. It’s nice that they’re at least saying I was “mind-blowing,” but this definitely has attracted some unwanted attention.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

OP-ED: The Penn Quaker Is the Ultimate Furry


Photo by Ananya Chandra / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

I can’t believe I actually have to write an article about something this obvious, but I think it’s time we all address the elephant in the room. Penn’s "lovable" Quaker has an overpowering fetish for other people dressed in animal costumes, and is using his role as mascot to mask his darker desires. Let’s look at the facts.

Why would anyone in their right mind agree to take on the role of the Quaker? The job includes putting on a costume that resembles a horribly disfigured historical character with a smile from the depths of someone’s clown-filled hell.The head of the costume probably smells like a melted ballsack. The job also involves running and jumping around at under-attended sporting events, or inducing shudders from everyone nearby whenever the Quaker is tasked to parade around campus. There has to be another motivation for anyone in the Quaker costume to agree to this humiliation and fearmongering: whoever is inside must be massive furry.

Think about it: this is the perfect way to get close to other people dressed up in erotic mascot costumes. Brown’s bear is thicc, Columbia’s lion is sure to be even wilder in the bedroom, and the Princeton tiger is definitely a bottom.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

​Fate of Entire Evening Left Up to Copa ID Scanner


Photo by Drew Stevens / CC BY-SA 2.0

Kathleen Grover (C ’21) and her friends were so excited when the IDGod order shipped. They couldn’t wait to hit up every happy hour at Copa and Distrito. Unfortunately, the deciding factor of whether they would have a night full of flavored margaritas or a night sitting on Kathleen’s couch in Harrison after a frat crawl was one foreboding scanner.

The Copa scanner’s newly updated software was implemented just in time for groups just like Grover’s. Grover, whose Springfield, IL ID stated that she was a slick 23 years old, was nervous the scanner would see right through the fact that her height on the ID was misprinted as 6'4”. Her friend, Josie Caldwell (C ’21) also was afraid that her almost identical Illinois ID would also be turned down by the scanner.

At press time, the group of girls stood in front of the bouncer, trying their hardest to appear taller, older, and, if it would help them in any way, hotter. They waited patiently while the scanner ran the barcodes. A moment of silence until the bouncer said, “You’re good.”

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Penn to Install Air Conditioners On All Incoming Freshmen, Saving Millions In Renovations


Photo by Ananya Chandra / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Right after accepting the Class of 2022, the Penn administration dropped a policy bombshell: starting this fall, all incoming freshmen will have state-of-the-art air conditioners installed directly on their persons. Incredible!

No longer will the university have to slog through the process of renovating building after building in an effort to make them habitable during the warmer half of the year. From now on, individual students will be masters of their own thermal destinies.

“We’re going to be saving millions,” noted a University spokeswoman, “We were on the verge of building a new Wharton building just because GSR 352 lost AC, but now we don’t even have to close a single floor of Hunstman!”

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Girl Scrolling on Phone in Bedroom Forced to Get Up, Go to Class, Scroll on Phone in Lecture


Photo by Elizabeth Beugg / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

College sophomore Leila Michaels got a taste of reality while browsing her social media feeds last Wednesday. At 10:48 a.m., Michaels realized she had exhausted her excused absences for her Introduction to Environmental Studies recitation.

Michaels was then forced to get up mid-scroll and leave the comfort of her own home. She continued to flip between Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat during her 0.3 mile walk down Spruce. She then settled down in the Levin Building, where she continued to peruse social media for the duration of the class.

“This class is so boring. I could be doing much more interesting things at home,” Michaels said. Life can be so unfair.

Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Penn's Class of 2022: By the Numbers


Photo Courtesy of the Admissions Office

This year, Penn received a startling 44,482 applicants for the Class of 2022, of which, only slightly over 3,000 were admitted.

This increase of almost 5,000 applicants has pushed Penn’s acceptance rate down to a record-breaking “not as low as Harvard’s.”

According to Dean of Admissions Eric Furda, Penn had the most qualified candidates in the school's history, making this year’s application cycle even more competitive. In an interview with UTB, Furda lauded the geographic diversity of Penn’s incoming class, noting that “we got at least one from most of the middle states!”

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Satire  Published 04/18/18 6:47am

International Student in $500 Yeezy T-Shirt Confuses Kanye with Tupac


Photo by Morgan Mafu / CC BY 2.0

Contrary to her ostensible enthusiasm for Kanye West's music and hyper-modern aesthetic, international student Jessica Bishop (W '20), currently wearing a Yeezy brand shirt purchased for $500, still confuses Kanye West with Tupac Shakur.

"Yeah Kanye, I love that guy. I think the bandana look is really cool," she said in response to a compliment on her $1200 Yeezy shoes, "and 'California Love' just, like, gets me going."

Confusing not only the personal appearances, musical catalogs, and general biographies of the two men, Bishop, born and raised in London, also will sometimes try to show others her knowledge of hip-hop by telling others how sad it was when Kanye was shot by "Biggie" in 1996.

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Satire  Published 04/18/18 6:44am

​Report: Nobody Has Black Heels For Girl With Size 11.5 Feet


Photo by Shoshi Wintman 

6:00 p.m. last Thursday, Jenny Diaz, desperate to find shoes before formal, urgently messaged her hall group chat to see if anyone had size 11.5 black heels she could borrow.

Diaz wrote to the group of seven girls: “SOS. Anyone have cute strappy black heels I could borrow for tonight? I promise I’ll take good care of them. I’m a size 11.5/12 but could squeeze into an 11! Pls lmk!!”

Diaz was left on read by most of the group for almost five hours, with only one response that simply read “What?" and accepted that nobody had the trendy open-toed heels she was looking for.

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