Satire  Published 6 hours ago

BREAKING: Californian Takes Pictures in Snow

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Photo by jill111 / CC0


Freshman Alicia Miller (C ‘21) had never seen snow before she came to Penn. As a native of Los Angeles, Lu considered a hoodie and sweats to be dressing for winter. When the first snowfall came, Alicia hopped out of her bed and sprinted to the window.

“It’s snowing!” she shouted to her roommate, who was from Philadelphia, or a suburb, rather. Alicia couldn’t contain her excitement as she raced through the halls of her dorm and onto Locust Walk.

There, she spotted almost everyone from her SoCal (that’s Southern California FYI) group chat already outside taking pictures. Alicia quickly realized she needed to as well. Finding a buddy, she went around campus taking generic snow-themed pictures— one throwing snow in the air and laughing, one in front of the Love statue covered in snow, and one laying on the ground making snow angels.

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Satire  Published 7 hours ago

Bold: Freshman Permanently Cut Off Friends, Family in Preparation for Single Final

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Photo from Pexels / CC0


In a move some described as “excessive,” College freshman and Political Science major Justin West permanently severed all contact with his friends and family in order to prepare for his first and only final of the year. After the final took place on Friday, West seemed to be happy with his decision.

“I definitely pulled average on that exam,” he bragged. “And all it took was me distancing myself from everyone who cares about me forever.”

Former friends of West said that he messaged them about a week before the exam to notify them of the decision. “He said he had to prioritize school, which I get,” one friend said. “But when I asked him to get Frontera with me, all he said was 'maybe next year.' I hope he knows his final is only two hours long.”

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Satire  Published 12/15/17 11:19pm

School of Design to Stop Offering Credits for Standing Outside the Design Building Smoking Cigarettes

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Photo by Daderot / CC0


This past Wednesday, the School of Design announced a sweeping change to the current curriculum. The new curriculum will take effect for Architecture and Design students beginning enrollment in Fall of 2018.

A mandatory introductory course for these majors, which required students to spend 60 minutes a week standing outside the Design Building smoking cigarettes, has been completely eliminated from the curriculum. The course, previously titled “Pondering Design,” provided students with the opportunity to think design-related thoughts while pacing, sitting, and smoking with other design students.

One junior, Adrian Min, said that the class greatly enriched his college education. “The class may be gone, but what I learned while sitting outside the Design School, smoking, will forever stay with me,” Min claims.

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Satire  Published 12/15/17 11:18pm

OP-ED: Um Actually, Your Favorite Show is Just a Twin Peaks Ripoff

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Photo by Needhi Mehta


The following letter was found earlier today, taped to your bedroom door in your quad apartment in Gregory College House.

Hey,

It’s your hipster suitemate. I know that we don’t talk a ton and that I usually go straight to my room and lock the door as soon as I get home, but I really need to get this off my chest. This isn’t easy for me to say, because I hate being self-righteous and holier-than-thou, but your favorite shows are just ripoffs of the hugely-influential, early 90s David Lynch series Twin Peaks.

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Satire  Published 12/15/17 4:13pm

Freshman Sees No Red Flags When Picking 'E) None of the Above' for Every Question on Final

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Photo by rawpixel.com / CC0


There’s no accomplishment that feels as good as studying incredibly hard for a final and then acing it! Amazingly, Alexandra Simons (C '21) felt that same pride, even after answering every question on her exam with "E) None of the above."

This unbelievable feat, accomplished during her Math 104 final exam, required immense amounts of focus, persistence, and false confidence. Immediately after the exam, Simons was heard saying that she “just felt really good about this one.” She did comment on how funny it was that “none of her answers were options,” but otherwise showed no signs of concern.

When asked to comment on the situation, Math department Undergraduate Vice Chair Joe Sterns refused to respond to Simons case directly. However, Sterns did admit, “the answer is never 'E) None of the above.' We just put that on exams to fuck with the students a bit.”

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Satire  Published 12/15/17 2:48pm

OP-ED: How My One Trip to Fishtown Made Me a Philly Expert

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Photos (with edits) by 2886138 / CC0 and Lululemon Athletica 


Penn is great and all, but have you ever stopped and thought, “Hey, maybe there’s more to Philly?" I’ll admit, I was once naïve too. The idea would have never occurred to me before my best friends and I made a trip to a Fishtown beer garden.

I was expecting Philadelphia to be dirty and full of unsophisticates, especially North Philly based off the things I’ve heard, but it’s as they say: you don’t really know a city until you get to know a city.

Fishtown is vibrant, and rugged, and made me feel like I was a little bit sceney. Like, a beer garden, come on! How many Penn students have been to one of those?

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Satire  Published 12/14/17 1:36pm

Gluten-Free Students Outraged Over New Bread-ing Days

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Photo by Alpha Stock Images / CC 3.0


With finals season now in full gear and Philly’s population of pettable dogs in radically short supply (probably), the University is being forced to get creative with events that will assuage students’ stress in this trying time. Reading Days, the two day period where Penn students are finally allowed to read the books posted on their course syllabi after a semester-long blackout period, have historically been a time when students are forced to make hard choices with their time commitments. But this semester, University administration is looking to shake things up and smooth out the transition from Reading Days into finals period by giving students the chance to catch a breather.

Enter Breading Days, the perfect time for people to channel their anxiety and stress into making and eating delicious, glutenous baked goods. For the two days after Reading Days, stressed Quakers can exert their rage over a brutal finals schedule that barely gives students enough time to catch their breath in the academic sprint that follows Thanksgiving Break by pounding sticky blobs of flour, yeast and water into a dough chock full of everyone’s favorite protein, then eating it. Penn is even splurging by giving every student who participates their own proving drawer!

Unfortunately, a certain subset of students is railing against this new program. Whether these students actually suffer from Celiacs Disease or are just following some trendy new diet has yet to be seen, but anti-gluten protesters have already started lining up outside of College Hall. They claim that the University is ignoring the gluten-free community to pander to a wheat-addicted majority. These anti-gluten crusaders are circulating a petition for a more inclusive Breading Days alternative, but their proposed “Ricing Days” just doesn't sound anywhere near as tasty or creative.


Satire  Published 12/13/17 9:15pm

Early Decision Class of 2022 Already Booking GSRs for Next Year's Finals

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Photo by Yolanda Chen / The Daily Pennsylvanian


As our beloved founder once said: By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. Leave it to the Class of 2022 to take Franklin’s teaching to the next level. Last night, Spencer Wilson (W ‘22) learned of his early acceptance to Penn. What was the first thing he did after posting a heartfelt biography in the Class of 2022 Facebook page that he will soon regret?

“I booked a GSR.”

Not one to fall behind on the curve, Wilson decided to take a proactive stance on his education. “I’m not an average student. I got a 800’s on all my subject tests and a 34 on the ACT— it would have been a 36, but apparently they still consider English a legitimate academic discipline. Anyway, I intend to keep outperforming my peers, so I booked GSR 242 from 5-6:30 on December 13th, 2018.” Wilson didn’t stop there. “I also booked G52 and F60 on December 14th, 321 on the 15th— basically I’m covered. Dean’s List here I come.”

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Satire  Published 12/13/17 9:15pm

OP-ED: I Farted in Fisher Fine Arts Library and I'm Not Sorry

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Photo by Matthew Marcucci / The Daily Pennsylvanian


To the uptight library staff, all you nerds who love studying, and the doctor who says I have to learn how to control my body: Yes, I farted in the Fisher Fine Arts Library, and no, I’m not sorry. Not at all.

Farting is a natural function of the human body. It’s completely natural. Alright, maybe my farts are medically inexplicable abominations, but even if I ripped a completely normal one, I feel like people would have still gotten mad at me.

You can think of the smell I created as a type of smelling salt. The pungent aroma activated the brain of everyone within a one-mile radius of me. When you ace all of your finals, you have my homemade aromatherapy to thank.

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Satire  Published 12/13/17 1:23am

Your Freshman Year Friends: Where Are They Now?

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Photo by David thomson / CC0


Ah, your freshman year, what great times. You had such a solid group of friends, too. 

There was Sam, the girl you met during NSO, Brendan, the one from West Chester, Lily, the one from Houston (how did she and Brendan get along, again?), and, of course, George, the friend you met in that gender neutral bathroom back in Ware. They were all such a big part of your freshman year experience, but where are those freshman year mistakes friends now?

Sam discovered that her true calling was finance instead of medicine. Classic. She started spending late nights in Hunstman GSRs with a cozy fireplace up on the TV screen and, surprisingly, George. The two of them started getting closer cramming for exams and applying for internships. I think it was around the time you started hanging out a lot at the Phi house; the two have been together since!

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