Features  Published 2 hours ago

Penn Things We're Thankful For

With the holiday season upon us at last, we here at UTB are feeling especially cheery. Maybe it's because we've had one too many egg sandwiches from Bridge, or the fact that the updated schedule means no class today (we knew we were on to something when we didn't register for any Friday classes), but we're feeling particularly grateful for dear ole Penn of late. Follow along as we bask in the glory of ten of the things we're most thankful for on campus. 

1. Walnut and Spruce Streets: for allowing us to avoid Locust when we don't look hot enough to run into people.

2. AirPennNet: for being an extremely reliable and speedy WiFi network.

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 Published 22 hours ago

The Cutest And Cringeworthiest Penn Insta Comments

Don't let the other holidays distract you from the TRUE holiday that is almost upon us. Correct – it's beginning to look a lot like Early Decision Day. Let us give thanks for the fact that we never have to take the SAT ever again by laughing (good naturedly) at the comments of Class of 2019 potentials (holy shit) on Penn's Instagram, shall we?

Here's what looks like an upperclassman dashing a kiddo's dreams and telling it like it is. Don't spoil the surprise, dude! Let him at least get a LOVE statue pic in before he gets his soul eaten.

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Features  Published 11/25/14 1:06pm

The 5 Best Trash Cans For Squirrels To Eat Out Of Before Winter

Winter is coming. And at a University where the squirrels probably outnumber the students, that means lots of plumping up for the long, hibernative haul. But just like us, squirrels want the best for themselves – which is why we've put together this little guide for our little friends. Pass this post along to the squirrels you see most often (lookin' at you, Sparky) to help them prep for the winter. You know they'd do the same for you.

#5 Wynn Commons

These are some of the most high-throughput trash cans on campus. And being right outside of Houston Market, they receive tasty scraps on a regular basis. Considered along with decent tree cover, you've got a pretty well-rounded nibble spot.

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News  Published 11/24/14 3:48pm

Even Penn's Sexiest Alum Can't Escape

Despite winning an AMA for Favorite Male R&B/Soul Artist last night, Legend is still haunted by his Penn past, probably because we will never let him leave. When asked to describe his biggest fear as one of People Magazine's "208 Gorgeous Guys," Legend responded with an anxiety dream all Penn students can relate to – failing out of college. 

Although Penn wasn't specifically referenced (perhaps Legend is more secure than the rest of us), we can recognize his cold sweat moments as if they were generated by our own hyperactive minds. It's good to know that even if we graduate and become one of our generation's most successful performing artists, we'll never loose that special spark of stress. Dont worry JL, for us it's always your time to shine.  

News  Published 11/24/14 1:38pm

Tis The Season! Locust Balls Are GOING UP!

It's happening! It's hapPENNing! Dudes in cherry pickers were spotted on Locust Walk today adorning its canopy with the annual nondenominational CHRISTMAS BALLS! Your dorm room Xmas lights have nothing on Locust's annual twinkling orbs that light up the night sky every holiday season. The transformation usually happens during Thanksgiving break (in solidarity with the etiquette of waiting to Christmastime music), but on this 65 degree wintry day, we guess they were just like, "What a bright time. It's the right time." Season's greetings to all!

News  Published 11/24/14 9:54am

What's HapPENNing?

Looking for this week's events? Pack away your calendar and pull out your turkey sandwhich because our regular weekday schedule has been overturned. Why can't Friday always come this soon? 

Monday: Attempt to pay attention in class and produce necessary work.

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News  Published 11/23/14 11:33pm

Fling Artists 2015 Are In YOUR HANDS, People!

Hear ye, hear ye! This year, SPEC is doing preventive damage control smartly asking our Fling artist opinions in advance of the announcement. While we're all about the annual collective bitchfest, we suggest everyone actually fill out this survey, so you know, maybe everyone will be happy (gasp!) with the choices! Or at least most people. Will be okay with it. It could happen. So make your opinion heard!

NOTE: SPEC's got a budget so, as they explain, don't waste your suggestion box with Bey, T-Swizzle or Yeezy. This also includes JT, Jay-Z, Katy, RiRi and comparably expensive icons. So while we all want Britney, pick 'em in our price range. It's a free campus, but we'll kindly note that it's time to shut down EDM after three (varyingly goodheadlining DJs in a row. Spread the genre wealth for the seniors!

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 Published 11/23/14 6:14pm

VP Gems: Adolescence

Welcome back to our newly-resurrected VP Gems feature, in which we give the  Hoodie Allen lyric “Take you to Van Pelt/You become Van Wilder” some real meaning.

If you need some light reading for Thanksgiving Break, we’ve got you covered – especially if you’re still stuck at the kids' table. Swing by the glamorous, oh-so-chic, randomly-selected  HQ 760 B62 – HQ 796 H93 stack on the fourth floor of Van Pelt to check out UTB’s recommendations for some fine literature that will truly bring you back to your childhood. Call numbers included so you can head over and reserve your favorite!

My Son Is An Alien (call no. HQ 796 D248): Pretty much what your parents will think as soon as you get home on Wednesday night.

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 Published 11/23/14 4:05pm

Random Dude At A Party, Vol. 5

St. Elmo, November 22

Q: If you could create your own drug, what would it be called?

A: It would be called.... Velveeta Lights.

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Features  Published 11/22/14 9:31am


Yo, our weekly Locust Flaikus are the bomb, but TRADITIONAL POETRY. CAN. GET. IT. Hell yeah, we're upping the ante and werkin' that A/A/B/B/A rhyming structure for your education and entertainment. Are they worthy of publication in a book of children's nursery rhymes? Probably.

Counterparts Presents: Plymouth Rockapella

The voice of a Counterpart
Is truly a work of art
Pilgrim theme? How timely
The pun is worthy of UTB
So go! And don't be a fart.

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