Satire  Published 14 minutes ago

OP-ED: I Wish Penn Admins Cared About Me as Much as They Care About the PULSE Survey


Photo by Lauren Sorantino

It seems like Penn cares an awful lot about the Campus PULSE survey, but what I really need is for the institution I attend to express at least a fraction of that interest in me.

I have received tens of emails about this "PULSE survey" from countless Penn administrators and organizations.

Dean Eric J. Furda himself sent me a personal email about the survey, requesting that I "please take some time now (~20 minutes) to make your voice heard."

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Satire  Published 17 minutes ago

How to Explain the Turkey Pardon to an International Student


Photo by JamainOpenClipart-Vectors (edited) / CC BY-SA 1.0

Ah, American traditions. From Groundhog Day to President’s Day, it can be hard to keep track of the annual whims of the American people. Today, in preparation for Thanksgiving, one of the weirdest American traditions will occur - the turkey pardon.

To help you explain the turkey pardon to an international student, UTB has answered some frequently asked questions:

1. What is a turkey pardon?

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

PennInTouch Acceptance Rate Drops to All-Time Low


Photo: Joy Lee / The Daily Pennsylvanian

After securing a top ten slot in the Times higher education world university rankings, Penn has set its sights even higher. For years, our humble not-state-school has been bullied by heavyweights such as Harvard, Princeton and Stanford in elite college rankings. All rankings, that is, except for one. Across the nation, universities have striven to make their course-scheduling websites as open and accessible as possible. But here at the University of Pennsylvania, the gleaming torch of competition and rigorous selectivity still burns brightly against the hoards of the unenlightened.

Boasting a jaw-dropping 5.6 percent acceptance rate, PennInTouch is the envy of its peers. Other schools are taking note. Dartmouth representative Claire Bolford released a press statement late Monday noting that “While Penn’s reign is impressive, Dartmouth would like to note that ever since the last known computer technician who knew how to find Hanover vanished in a snowdrift, our numbers have been within a percentage point of theirs.”

Twice each academic year, Penn students wake up to Scheduling Day with equal parts anticipation and sheer terror.

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

Petition: Junior Class 'Sweaters' Are Actually Sweatshirts, Impeach Class Board


Photo by Yolanda Chen / The Daily Pennsylvanian

When my parents paid a sick $37.75 for my Junior Class Sweater, I was thrilled. People would recognize that I'm an upperclassman— I'm just taking Econ 001 because I need to fulfill the Society sector, okay? Plus, I would have a cute fall sweater that I could wear homecoming weekend. But when I finally picked up that bad boy after waiting eighteen hours in line, I was disappointed. Because, my P-sweater? It's really more like a P-sweatshirt.

Can you say false advertising?

If you think this cruel, cotton/polyester-blended deception is wrong, take a stand with me. First, please sign my petition: informally titled “The Ability to Have a Social Life at Penn, but Wearing Sweaters, not Sweatshirts.” And if that doesn't get 100,000 signatures, please contribute to my GoFundMe, because I think I could totally sue the 2019 Class Board for fraud.

Satire  Published 10 hours ago

Tuition Hike Expected After Gutmann Loses $50 Million in Bets on Harvard-Yale Game


Photo edited by MJ Kang / The Daily Pennsylvanian. Sources: Daniel X. O'Neil / CC BY 2.0, Harvard / CC BY-SA 2.0, and Alex Small / The Daily Pennsylvanian.

Penn is already one of the least affordable universities in the United States, and after this latest development, it may be getting more expensive. This past weekend, the University’s funds took a major hit when Amy Gutmann lost 50 million dollars in various bets on the Harvard-Yale football game. In order to cover these losses, tuition for each undergraduate is expected to increase by 5 percent.

Gutmann publicly apologized for her actions in a press release on Sunday. “My decision to put 20 million dollars in University funding on Harvard getting a 37-yard field goal in the third quarter was not a smart one in hindsight,” Gutmann admitted. “However, at 10/1 odds, I simply had no choice. If only I picked the first quarter, we would be able to afford a new college house.”

While the bets may not have been successful, the University stands by Gutmann’s decisions. She has reportedly been closely following the Ivy League football conference all season long and, while she struck out big time this year, she promises Penn students that she will win the money back next year. “I’m going to watch game film closely, follow the statistics like a hawk, and come back like you’ve never seen before,” Gutmann promised undergraduates.

Satire  Published 12 hours ago

Student Deliberately Ignores Decomposing Jack-O'-Lantern on Windowsill for 18th Consecutive Day


Photo by Steven Depolo / CC BY 2.0

For Halloween this year, Alexa Bowers (C '21) pulled out all the stops on dorm decorations. Now, three full weeks into November, she has yet to deal with the aftermath.

For the 18th day in a row, Bowers has chosen to disregard the jack-o'-lantern quietly rotting on her windowsill.

"Every day, I walk past my windowsill and think to myself, 'Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be the day I take care of this,'" said Bowers, with a tinge of guilt. "At this point," she continued, "I can look at it directly in its sagging, mold-encrusted eye holes without the thought of throwing it out even crossing my mind."

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Penn Announces Plans for David Rittenhouse Laboratory West at 40th and Walnut Streets


Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC0

You heard that right—Penn is getting ready to build something yet again.

The construction of DRL West will cost the University a record-breaking $263 million. It is set to replace Cinemark, as the University will now implement its own theatre service elsewhere to increase revenues.

Hundreds of budding student mathematicians and physicists protested the school’s decision, demanding that the original DRL be renovated.

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Satire  Published 11/19/17 4:19pm

SHS Unveils New LaTeX Contraceptive For SEAS Students


Photo by: EmiliJ / CC0

In the face of turbulent healthcare laws, universities across America are making tough choices when it comes to birth control coverage. Faced with an ever tightening budget, Student Health Services must be more creative to ensure that Penn students can practice safe sex. Luckily, advances in modern science and text formatting are making it easier than ever to help students avoid having to make hard decisions. Never again will a specious allergy allow someone to weasel their way out of safe sexual practices.

In a stroke of scientific luck, the FDA has approved a series of new hormonal drugs for men and women aimed at reducing unwanted pregnancies. Unfortunately, there’s a little caveat. This experimental new drug has only been tested on people exposed to large amounts of computer radiation between the hours of 2 a.m. and 8 a.m. Those people have also preferably spent that time furiously typing haphazard and illogical proofs into Leslie Lamport’s 1985 revolutionary typesetting invention, LaTeX. Luckily, that’s where SEAS comes in.

Historically, engineering students have dedicated countless hours to mindlessly grinding away at problem sets until dawn, using LaTeX as a medium to organize the messy ramblings produced by their sleep-deprived minds. However, in a shocking turn of events, that soul crushing commitment to education can positively impact their sex lives. The drug, eponymously named LaTeX, is 97% effective at preventing unwanted pregnancies, an impressive number when compared to any other method besides the usual engineer’s 100% effective form of birth control, abstinence.

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Satire  Published 11/19/17 2:39pm

Guy from Alaska: You Think This Is Cold?


Photo from Lee & Chantelle McArthur / CC0

Davis Orlando (E’ 19) is a proud Alaskan, and he wants other people to know it.

The Anchorage native has recently been spending his days going for outdoor runs in shorts and t-shirts, while the rest of Penn’s students and staff have been lamenting in the cold. He has recently started making fun of Californians for wearing Canada Goose jackets.

“I don’t know how you can possibly think this is cold. Where I’m from, this isn't even chilly. It's not even cool. How are you sad excuses of people going to survive in the real world?” Orlando asked. Our UTB reporter truly had no answer.

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Satire  Published 11/19/17 9:36am

Sorry, We Can't Accept You for Executive Board This Year. But Do You Still Wanna Come Over Tonight?


Photo from pxhere / CC0

Dear Applicant,

Thank you for your application to our 2017 Executive Board. While we were extremely impressed by your application and your dedication to our organization, we had many competitive applicants this cycle. Unfortunately, we cannot accept you for a position on our executive board this year.

So, anyways, do you want to still want to come over tonight? I mean, I’m down. We’re doing initiation though, so I’m probably going to be a little drunk. Hope that’s cool. Oh yeah, and if you could not stay the night, that would be great.

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