Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Sophomore Doesn’t Know Anyone In Dance Troupe But Still Cried During Their Senior Montage


Photo by nikidinov / CC0

Last Thursday, Becca Goldstein (C ’20) was dragged to Iron Gate Theater to watch her roommate’s friend’s dance performance.

“I’d rather eat a rotten melon than be here on my Thursday night," sighed Goldstein. "I don’t know a single soul in this dance troupe, but Monica is making me go."

It was reported that Goldstein was on her phone for the duration of the two-hour show, barely paying attention to the stage until the last dance number. At that point, the projector over the stage lit up with the words, “We Love You, Seniors!” while Graduation (Friends Forever) by Vitamin C played over the loud speaker.

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Freshman Writes Algorithm to Decide if He Should Drop CIS 121


Photo by Wesley Nitsckie / CC BY-SA 2.0

It’s midterm season again, and for many, it’s also drop season.

Freshman Jim Sands (E ’21) recently got his CIS 121 midterm back. If his name doesn’t ring a bell, he’s the guy who calculated all the ways to reconstruct his schedule after considering dropping CIS 160.

Fortunately, he stayed in 160 and completed it. Unfortunately, that meant he had to deal with CIS 121: Algorithms and Data Structures, the next juggernaut in the CIS intro sequence.

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

​OP-ED: I Am From Another Country. May I Offer You a Cigarette?


Photo by George Hodan / CC-0

Hi, I’m Ahmet. I’m from Turkey.

I see that we’re both milling about outside of this bar. May I offer you a cigarette?

I am standing out here so that I can smoke a cigarette. I assume that you are here to do the same.

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Freshman Pulls Dorm Fire Alarm so He Can Shit in Peace


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

Everyone has their quirks, and Donnie Kasey (C ‘21) is no different. These are things that Donnie values in life: photoshopping pictures of his professors on the bodies of models, putting ketchup in his morning coffee, and taking long, relaxing shits on the toilet. Every time Donnie sits down on the toilet in his Quad dorm room, he takes off his socks, grabs a nice book and some snacks, and winds down in relaxing bliss. His daily toilet time is the only thing keeping him sane, and Donnie would do anything to make sure his little adventures are undisturbed.

So he was terribly irritated one day when his bathroom break was interrupted. The shower in the room on his right was blasting some earsplitting country music, and that weird couple in his hall was tasting a little afternoon delight. Donnie’s entire mood shifted as he snapped out of his zen, and unable to concentrate, became awfully vexed.

Donnie, in his uncontrollable fury, rushed out of the bathroom and headed straight for the hall’s fire alarm, and pounded on it with the force of a thousand bowel movements after Commons’ Taco Tuesday. As the building was evacuated, Donnie peacefully finished his ritual and continued the rest of his day a calmer and gentler creature.

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

OP-ED: No Thanks, I Don’t Want Adderall, My Hands Are Already Shaking from Talking in a Class Discussion


Photo by Patrick Mallahan III / CC BY-SA 4.0

Hey man, I know you’re just trying to help me get a jump start to my day, but I don’t need Adderall, I swear. I just got out of my 9 a.m. and I raised my hand to talk not just once, but two whole times. So my hands are already shaking from the natural high of talking in class.

What? You think I’m coked up? Nah man, this is just some good ol’ social anxiety. The shit that really gets you going. Trust me, once you get started, you can’t stop. No, I mean really can’t stop. I was in line to buy grapes from FroGro the other day, and there were so many people that I said “fuck it” and shoved an entire 2 pounds of grapes into my pants. I don’t know why I did that. If you think drugs get your heart racing fast and impair your decision making, just try being anxious.

That’s why I can’t even drink coffee. One time, I drank coffee before an interview, and boy was that a bad decision. I was already anxious to start because, like, who isn’t anxious before an interview? And then I started twitching real bad. I’ll spare you the details. I’m getting anxious just thinking about it.

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Starbucks Now Allows Customers to Substitute Dairy for Everclear for 60 Cents


Photo (with edits by MJ Kang) by Clker-Free-Vector-Images / CC0; Adam Engelhart / CC BY-SA 2.0; peargui / CCO 

In a move to break yet another rule of coffee, Starbucks will now be offering one more alternative to dairy for all of its beverages: Everclear.

Colorful signs put up throughout the store read, “Your prayers have been answered. Finally, you can get fucked up to make that 9 a.m. bearable,” and “Lactose-intolerants rejoice! Everclear is here.”

In a post to their Facebook page, Starbucks released serving suggestions for their new option. One option is their famed Pink Drink, but the coconut milk is replaced with everclear.

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Giving Back: This Wharton Senior’s Cocaine Habit Keeps Global Economy Afloat


Photo by Valerie Everett / CC BY-SA 2.0

Julia Levitt (W '18) may be a finance major, but that doesn't mean she doesn't care about people.

"I'm a big advocate for social impact," said Levitt, twitching. "Major advocate. HUGE!"

Each week, Levitt spends an inordinate sum of money on cocaine. In fact, she admits that over the past year, she's spent nearly all of her $1.5 billion trust fund on drugs. 

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

OP-ED: I Only Go to Career Fairs So I Can Get Free Cups For My Kitchen


Photo by AlbertHerring / CC BY 2.0

I am employed. I am not looking for a job. So people ask me, “Why do you keep going to career fairs?” Well, I go to get new cups for my kitchen.

No, I don’t particularly like asking 20-something tech recruiters about their company culture or the most challenging aspect of their job. But I do like the free, bright orange plastic cups they give out at career fairs.

My kitchen is decorated with cups from the highest-tier investment banks, consulting companies, and law firms. Do I know what any of these businesses do? Absolutely not. But I really like drinking out of the blue Deloitte mug. It keeps my coffee pretty warm.

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Psycho or Genius? Tyler Drank Milk


Photo by Jonah Weinbaum / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Oh, yeah. Oooh, yeah, baby. He did it. That absolute psycho Tyler drank milk.

Bet you didn’t expect him to drink that milk, even though he has a glass with every meal. But he did. He sure did. Tyler threw back that milk like it was water, straight down his throat.

He drank that milk so nonchalantly.

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

Report: 'The Climb' by Miley Cyrus Written About 38th St. Bridge


Photo by Katie Zhao / The Daily Pennsylvanian

In a recent announcement by singer, actress and Penn alum Miley Cyrus, Cyrus revealed that her hit single “The Climb” was written about the Class of 1949 Bridge on Locust Walk and 38th Street.

“Walking up that motherfucker feels like climbing Mt. Everest,” she stated in an interview with VICE News. “I’m always wheezing by the time I make it to the other side, but you gotta stay optimistic, you know? There’s always gonna be another mountain, and you’re always gonna want to make it move. And climbing that bridge is definitely an uphill battle.”

Cyrus’s announcement has drawn the attention of Penn administration, who is, as President Amy Gutmann said in a recent press release, “very proud to have such an influential figure as a member of the Penn community. The bridge is one of the most iconic attributes of Penn’s campus. It’s a difficult walk, but much like the walk of life, the road to success is never easy. It’s a metaphor for the struggles that all students will face through their lives, but just as they’ll make it over the bridge successfully—albeit a bit out of breath—they’ll get through life successfully as well. It’s all about, it’s all about the climb. Whoa, yeah.”

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