Satire  Published 9 minutes ago

OP-ED: I Wear My Hair Up Because It's Trendy and Also Because I Haven't Washed It in a Week


Photo by Elizabeth Beugg / The Daily Pennsylvanian 

A person’s hairstyle speaks volumes. Stick straight hair can say “I mean business,” or “I have a lot of time on my hands.” A drastic buzzcut can let the world know you like to take risks, or maybe that you got lice from a dirty mattress in the Quad.

Most of the time, I wear my hair up. I like to pull my hair back and tie it up like a tiny palm tree sprouting from the top of my head. I do it because it’s easy and because it’s trendy to look like a vaporwave middle school girl, but also because I literally haven’t washed my hair since last Monday.

When people see me walking down the street in my half-up, half-down party ponytail, I want them to know I’m hip to the growing popularity of the toddler aesthetic, and that I have been awake for the last 48 hours writing a 10-page paper about a book I never read for a class I never attended.

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Satire  Published 18 minutes ago

Study Shows Even the Least Motivated Penn Students Will Run Tomorrow’s World


Photo by Guy Timberlake / CC 2.0

Earlier this week, Penn researchers announced the conclusion of a seminal, twenty-year, longitudinal study about the outcomes of Penn graduates.

The results?

Even students who "didn't really give a shit" in college ended up being pretty successful.

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Satire  Published 35 minutes ago

BREAKING: Every Woman You Know Has Changed Her Name To ‘Katie’


Photo (with edits) by Maialisa / CC0

Three days ago, Philadelphia courts were overflowing with an influx of women aged 18-24 interested not in appealing their speeding tickets or renewing their passports, but in simultaneously changing their names to “Katie.”

It is unknown at this time what caused the unanimous obsession with the “Katie” name among the young women of Philadelphia. Linguistic experts have postulated that, as a culture, we hear the name “Katie” so much that we are in fact forgetting that other traditionally female names exist. Forward-thinking women are changing their names to “Katie” before all other names become obsolete — a phenomenon that would devastate the careers and social lives of “Non-Katies” and render all friendships and networking up to this point useless.

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Satire  Published 39 minutes ago

Innovative! College Sophomore Is Constantly Brewing Kombucha in Her Asshole


Photo from PxHere / CC0

All of us have heard of the alleged health benefits that come with drinking kombucha, and we have all witnessed the spread of the fizzy, multicolored drinks across shelves at every grocery store, from FroGro to Whole Foods. For some, the high price tag keeps them away. For others, the fermentation from a floating piece of mold that looks like a breast implant is enough to prevent them from consuming the drink. However, Simone Williams (C ’20) has cut costs and overcome all of these fears in one fell swoop: for the past three weeks, she has been constantly brewing kombucha in her asshole.

We caught up with Williams to find out what inspired her to embark on this sacred journey. She said the inspiration came when she saw a scoby, the bacteria that ferments in this fungal beverage, and thought, “I wonder what that would feel like if I put it up my butt.” From there, her discovery has made history.

She always has an ass full of kombucha wherever she goes—to class, to the gym, or to frat parties. When asked how this has affected her life, Williams said, “My anal muscles are so strong now. I mean, I can’t let that fizzy liquid pour out during class—that would be so disruptive. So I hold it in until I can release it into a jar and sell it to my classmates, family, and friends at home. They think it has a really unique taste.”

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Satire  Published 44 minutes ago

Penn Professor Told His Students to 'Pursue Their Dreams' in Apparent Violation of U. Policy


Photo from Wikimedia Commons / CC 2.0

The former Undergraduate Chair of the Anthropology Department, James Waters, inspired his students and encouraged them to follow their passions, according to three sources close to students enrolled in Waters' classes. Waters' alleged behavior directly violated University policy, which explicitly states that the encouragement of careers other than finance and consulting are prohibited "during the period of the student-teacher relationship."

"Pushing students towards careers in which they can find genuine happiness prevents them from earning six-figure salaries directly out of college, thereby reducing the amount of donations provided to Penn," states the current policy which is laid out in the Faculty Handbook. 

Waters' comments began in the fall of 2016, according to 30 of his students who spoke to UTB. 

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Satire  Published 53 minutes ago

OP-ED: I'm In the College But I'm Transferring To Wharton And It Was Totally Unplanned


Photo by Cindy Chen / The Daily Pennsylvanian

What school am I in? Oh, it’s complicated right now. I’m technically in the College, but I’m transferring to Wharton after this semester. I just think it’s a better fit for me. No, I’m not in it for the prestige, why would you even ask that? I really think having a business degree will allow me to create some positive social change.

This wasn’t planned, either. I really just had an epiphany—it was like a week ago—that I want to be in the business school. Like the transfer website says, my interests and passions have just shifted over time. Yes, I know that in order to transfer I had to have taken a year's worth of economics classes, but I already knew I liked those. I had no idea I was going to want to transfer until, like I already said, a week or two ago.

It doesn’t matter that I applied as a Linguistics major because my dad helped me cheat on the International Olympiad for Informatics, just so I could get into Penn and transfer into Wharton internally because I read on it was easier that way. I’m just following where my life takes me. So get off my ass. Unless you’re in Wharton.

Satire  Published 55 minutes ago

OP-ED: Come to My Workshop! I Promise You'll Learn Stuff and Immediately Forget It an Hour Later


Photo by Niccolò Caranti / CC BY-SA 3.0

Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, you, the one procrastinating on the piles of work you have by scrolling through social media or pretending not to see me on Locust! Boy, do I have news for you.

I’m organizing this workshop, and you should come to it! Wait, scratch that, you need to come. It’s going to be enlightening, inspiring, perhaps tear-inducing. But, most of all, it’s going to be forgettable.

You’re going to sit there for an hour, maybe tune in on about 40% of the stuff I’m saying, somewhat appreciate it in the moment, and then forget literally everything I said an hour later. This is not just an empty promise — it’s a guarantee. We’ll bring the Zesto’s and slide deck, and you bring your willingness to wholly ignore everything we teach you. It’s a win-win!

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Satire  Published 04/21/18 10:21am

‘I Can't Wait To Escape Penn's Toxic Environment This Summer,' Says Student Who's Living in House On Sansom


Photo (with edits) by Joe Mabel / CC BY-SA 3.0

College freshman Cynthia Clark was thrilled to get a research position at Penn this summer, but she soon became worried about staying in the oft stressful, frequently competitive environment of Penn all summer. Luckily, Clark found a way to keep her research position and still get away from Penn’s toxic environment.

“A girl from my friend’s sorority knows a guy who’s subletting a room in his house on Sansom this summer, so I snatched that right up! It’s a bit of a walk from campus, at 4025 Sansom, but I think it’s really gonna be worth it to be outside of the Penn Bubble. That way, this summer can be super relaxing and I’ll be refreshed once the fall semester starts,” Clark told us.

Having never walked past 40th street ourselves, we can’t relate, but we imagine that it’s a whole different world out there.

Satire  Published 04/21/18 10:21am

Experimental Poetry Seminar Has Surprisingly Fruitful Class Session on 4/20


Photo by MikeDKnight / CC-ASA-3.0

Leslie Martinez’s seminar course on avant-garde experimental poetry had a regularly scheduled class session on April 20th. Professor Martinez had no special expectations.

In a shocking turn of events, the class proved to be one of the most insightful and probing discussions of the semester.

“There was one moment where a student asked ‘Isn’t it crazy that words?’ and it felt like we really got at something there,” Martinez said. “We rarely stop to think about how truly unbelievable it is that words.”

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Satire  Published 04/21/18 10:19am

OP-ED: I Went to Trader Joe’s and Did Not Get Killed by an Angry Mom Looking for the Ripest Tomatoes


Photo from PxHere / CC0

The day had finally come: I was sick of eating lint out of my pockets, and I had been standing in the self-checkout line at Frogro for three days. I had to walk, twenty agonizing minutes, to Trader Joe’s. I put this off for several reasons: I would have to decide between multiple types of fruit that are not covered in mold and make small talk with cashiers who seems content in their life after I entered the literal vortex of suburban hell.

There are women with yoga mats hoisted over their shoulders, young children eager to eat organic fruit chews, and grandparents that don’t look sad about being alive. This is usually combined with adults forming a mosh pit around bags of miniature avocados and employees running down the aisles to clean up a blood spill next to the spices and salsas. I have seen dark things in this windowless place. I saw a child abandoned in the freezer — her mother forgot about her while lunging for the last bag of frozen orange chicken. I witnessed an entire family camping out in line, anxiously awaiting their encounter with the cashier, their fate hanging on the line.

But this time, I made it out unscathed. A mother did not nearly slit my throat with her manicured fingers over a cluster of perfectly ripe tomatoes. The cashier looked moody and didn’t ask about where I’m from. I didn’t have to kick any children out of the way to look at the ice cream flavors.

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