Published 9 hours ago

Hero Cop Saves Lactose Intolerant Students in Audacious Mac and Phis Bust


Photo by Daryn Nakhuda / CC 2.0

When Penn Police Officer Bob Johnson received a cheese-related noise complaint at 39th and Spruce on his police scanner on Saturday night, he knew that there was no time for backup. Even though he’d heard stories of Penn’s rampant drug culture, He hadn't expected to run in to such an extreme example of substance abuse occurring right under his nose. With a level of courage that’s usually only reserved for prime time television, Bob raided the Beta house at 12:30 am to put an end to the milk-fueled madness.

Bobert was rattled by the blatant disregard for human life unfolding before his eyes. He’d never seen so much product being moved in one place. Bricks of cheddar and gruyere were stacked to the ceiling between piles of unmarked hundred dollar bills and foaming beakers overflowing with melted butter. Dairy might not be a schedule 1 controlled substance in the eyes of the DEA just yet, but Bob had seen too many good people taken out by milk and cheese overdoses to sit idly by.

He acted swiftly, neutralizing the situation and shutting down the "philanthropic event" in minutes. Bob expertly identified the scam as a blatant attempt to launder money. Thinking quickly, he confiscated the proceeds for the “charity” that the sisters of Alpha Phi claimed to be supporting. Women's heart health can wait.

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Satire  Published 20 hours ago

Senior Ends Career Fair Week With No Job Prospects, but Lots of Free Stuff


Photo by robinsonk26 / CC0

Will Gomez (C’17) paraded with the masses last week to the Sheraton Hotel to (hopefully) figure out which company’s mission he’d have to prioritize over his social life for the next couple years. Fresh padfolio in hand and messenger bag on chest, he was eager to have some forgettable conversations at a career fair or two.

“I didn’t do a ton of research on the companies that were going to be there, but who does, right? I’m pretty good at picking up on context clues,” said Gomez before the fairs. “If the firm has ‘bank,’ ‘financial,’ or ‘asset’ in its name, I should probably say something about money. If it’s an ‘agency,’ I should either say something about marketing or the government. I'll take my chances, or just mention both!”

Gomez’s strategy unfortunately wasn’t too fruitful, as he left both the career fairs with no sense of direction in life, recruiter business cards, or successful resume drops. He did, however, leave with three new water bottles, a couple t-shirts, a phone wallet, eight pens, a Tide To-Go stick, and some cool keychains. Gomez followed up with us today.

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Satire  Published 22 hours ago

In Bold Move, Freshman Drops All Classes, Adds Four New Ones


Screenshot / the Daily Pennsylvanian

Today marks the last day to add classes to your schedule, but Bobby Feixa (C '21) still isn't satisfied with his fall schedule. After learning that Biology 121 requires participants to buy a real white lab coat, Bobby had an existential crisis with his determined pre-med path. Although his parents, both doctors, were concerned that Bobby had a career crisis in his first month of college, they never really thought medicine was right for him. They cited a number of fainting incidents spread across many Take-Your-Kid-To-Work days in the past, paired with a general disinterest in the sciences, as their main reasons. 

Around 8 AM (ET) this morning, Bobby dropped Biology, Statistics, Econ, and Calc in one fell swoop, leaving only a blank schedule behind. We sat with Bobby as he took a deep breath and started his new life. 

"Even though I'm going to be three weeks behind in every class, I feel good. I feel autonomous for the first time in my entire life." 

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Satire  Published 09/18/17 11:26am

Senior Upgrades From Ugly Backpack to Ugly Messenger Bag


Photo by Richard Masoner / CC BY-SA 2.0

Senior year is a time for growth and maturation; seniors are on the cusp of true adulthood. 

With this in mind, senior Sean Proviso (C '18) decided it was time to ditch his old, unsightly backpack for a new, equally-repulsive messenger bag. He's very happy with his decision.

"Backpacks are for kids, let's be honest," he told us, his ego clearly inflated by the change. "My old backpack was ugly and poorly designed, but more importantly it was juvenile and made me look like a child. It was about time I graduated to something a bit more... mature."

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Satire  Published 09/17/17 2:30pm

Restaurant Week: Sophomore Devastated to Realize She's Not at a BYO


Public Domain

On the surface, restaurant week appears to be a great deal– twice a year, college students can afford a three course meal at some of Philly's best restaurants. But Lauren Carmichael's (E '20) night out to ended up being nothing but a stomach full of utter disappointment.

"Earlier in the week, group of my friends texted me if I was free on Thursday night to get dinner. I was like, hell yeah!" Carmichael explained. "I love BYO's. There's nothing like pregaming at 6, being drunk by 7, obnoxiously intoxicated at 7:45, drifting in and out during the uber ride home at 8:55, puking up pink-colored slush around 9:15, and then getting ready to go out again at 10!"

"So I roll up with my crew and my backpack full of wine and spirits and get this– the restaurant isn't BYO." Carmichael said. "I was like, huh? I don't set a toe past 33rd street unless I know I'm getting blackout. I did not venmo charge five people $2.34 to not drink tonight. It was a Thursday! I would understand if it was a Tuesday... maybe."

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Satire  Published 09/16/17 2:33pm

7 Amazing Photos That Don't Show Dean Furda Sharing a Special Message


Photo by cherylholt / CC0

This girl knows how to blow a bubble, and wasn't afraid to show it to the world. It's a little small, but still totally impressive!

Unbelievable. Somebody dedicated an entire, living tree to Usher, the 38-year-old singer, songwriter, and dancer behind such hits as "Love in this Club" and "OMG (ft."

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Satire  Published 09/15/17 4:52pm

This Guy's Whole Job Is Showing Professors How to Use Projectors


Photo by Pixabay / CC0

Not all heroes wear capes. Cory Sherman, an AV technician working at Penn, spoke to us about his job on an average day.

"I have extensive technical training. I'm available to help Penn students and staff with just about any technical difficulty they come across. Video, sound, or computer related. But I really only get the call for one thing: helping professors with how to turn on projectors in their lectures."

Cory was puzzled with the constant projector requests he receives, stating that time and time again, the same professors ask for help, not learning at a thing from what Cory taught them before. "It's really difficult telling a 60-year-old academic with four degrees that the solution to the problem is to 'just push the button,'" he told us. "If anyone has any tips on how to better phrase that, let me know."

Satire  Published 09/15/17 2:40pm

Event Observer: "This Party Sucks, 2/10"


Photo from / CC0

When Charlie Milligan was enlisted by VPUL to keep a careful eye on the nightlife at campus, he was ecstatic to finally put his refined judgement of event quality to use. Last night, that judgement fell without mercy on a unidentified party hosted off-campus. “It was…pitiful,” Milligan sighed.

This year, Penn made a switch from the omnipotent, scarily-named “alcohol monitors” to the friendly, vaguely-named “event observer,” a change intended to imply something deeper than just semantic differences (probably). Some former alcohol monitors viewed the name change as entailing a significant shift in responsibility.

“As I walked by the house, I could hear—faintly—the song ‘Closer’ by The Chainsmokers, and immediately checked my watch to make sure I wasn’t in 2016,” Milligan recounted. “After ‘Closer’ they played ‘I’m Sexy and I Know It.’ That’s when I knew I had to do something.”

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Satire  Published 09/15/17 2:37pm

Quiz: Does Your Roommate Secretly Have A Cat?


Photo by Tulane Public Relations / CC 2.0, ivoxis / CC0, edited by Sam Sedor

It’s a question we’ve all faced at one point or another. Luckily, the head investigative journalism publication on campus is fully prepared to help you crack the case.

1. You find some scratches on the couch in your common room. When you point them out to your roommate, she...

a) goes on a long rant about how shitty the high rises are.

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Satire  Published 09/15/17 12:47pm

Junior Girl No Longer Relevant After Removal From Frat Listserv


Photo by JESHOOTS / CC0

Katie Reinhart (C’19) thought junior year was going as well as it could be. Beginning her days by waking up in a cold sweat fearing the possibility of unemployment and ending them with an anti-aging serum, she was content. When figures in bulletproof vests were obstructing her social life, she had a great time getting rejected from Smoke’s and watching sweaty freshmen make out. Who says juniors are washed up? She was living life.

That is, until she overheard a group of sophomores discuss an upcoming Angels & Devils party, and realized that she had been removed from her favorite fraternity’s listserv.

“This is unbelievable. I’m not just a rose, I’m the entire garden. I’m not just a belle, I’m a ball. A sweetheart? Actually pretty sour now, but thanks,” Katie spat. 

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