Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Gratitude Post: My Roommate Leaves Pubic Hair All Over the Bathroom so If She Commits a Crime, I Have DNA Samples


Photo by Erika Wittlieb / CC0

My roommate is the absolute best. Some roomies bake each other cookies, have spa nights, or watch movies together, but my roommate is much more considerate: she leaves her pubic hair all over the bathroom, so that if she commits a crime, I have DNA samples that can ensure a speedy trial and a swift conviction. She’s the best!

Not that I think my roommate is going to commit a crime, but let’s be honest, we all have our breaking points. Temptation comes in many forms. Hers might be theft, because she has finished my milk twice without asking, and then put its cold, lifeless form back in the fridge without a single drop left, because god knows she isn’t going to recycle it herself. But I don’t mind sharing! Or it could be embezzlement, an extension of when she pays the rent late and I have to cover it until she sends me a Venmo reimbursement in the middle of the night, weeks later. She’s so quirky!

But don’t worry: these are small things. If she commits a violent crime, I’ve got her. She’ll leave a hair, pubic or otherwise, at the crime scene, and as soon as she’s a suspect I’ll be able to go to the police with the growing piles of pubes I’ve picked up from the toilet seat, clogging the shower drain, swirling in the sink until I can’t even wash my hands without the water bubbling up into a hairy mass. Living with her is such an adventure!

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Satire  Published 3 hours ago

Wow! This Frat Painted Five Hula Hoops For Their Olympics Party


Photo (with edits) by Rene Asmussen / CC0 and from Pxhere / CC0

The brothers of Rho Iota Chi (RICH) were running out of themes. They could only throw so many parties with a jungle theme, and their Frat themed frat party was not a hit. Some of their more ambitious themes had not worked out either, due to the general lack of artistic talent and motivation among the brothers—their Valentine’s Day party featured poorly cut out hearts hung with floss from the ceiling, which made for a fairly depressing atmosphere.

Luckily, one of the brothers remembered that this year presented an unusual opportunity, one that comes around only once every four years. “Of course!” the brothers all simultaneously thought to themselves. “A Winter Olympics theme!”

But how could it be done? Sure, they could have an ice luge and maybe cut out some snowflakes, but how would people know it was an Olympics theme? After several hours of brainstorming, one brother finally found the solution: paint five hula hoops in the olympics colors! With a little string, tape, and luck, they could perfectly recreate the Olympics symbol, throw the best party ever, and finally score a date with the people who rejected them on Valentine's Day.

Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Guy Who Led 'Fuck Tom Brady' Chant Cheated on Every Math 114 Midterm


Photo by Santeri Viinamäki / CC BY 4.0

On the night of February 4th, the Philadelphia Eagles made history as they claimed their first ever Super Bowl. Thousands of students from Penn alone raced down Walnut Street, headed towards Center City for post-game celebrations.

Andrew Turner (C '21), an Eagles fan since December 2017 and a New York native, was ecstatic the entire walk there. He started many chants, but one especially stood out. Virtually everyone in his vicinity joined him the moment he yelled:


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Satire  Published 02/18/18 8:15am

It Happened to Me: Trapped in the Mark's Cafe Display Case


Photo from Pixabay / CC0

It started out so innocent, so innocuous.

There I was, in the VP basement toiling for hours, when I got up to replenish my strength with some coffee and a snack. My eyes had been scorched by the light of my computer screen, and Mark’s Café, with its dank, den-like aura, seemed to be the perfect nook in which to give them respite. I was walking up to the counter to order my coffee when I first saw it: the case that appeared to be my salvation, but ended up as my prison. 

It was a cornucopia of nourishment. Pulsating display lights illuminated its salty and sweet delights, and I found myself drawn to it. Before I could register what was happening, I dropped to my knees as if the force of my stress-hunger became personified and shoved me to the ground. Voracious, wanting, needing, I plucked the case’s bounty from its cold belly with both hands, only stopping to toss my PennCard at the employee and grunt, “Bursar it.

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Satire  Published 02/18/18 8:15am

OP-ED: Jimmy and His Gay Dance Moves Are Ruining My Frat’s Culture


Photo by Mauricio Mascaro / CC0

It was just another frat party. Then Jimmy started voguing.

For centuries, if not longer, frats have been a sacred and necessary part of our country. They build brotherhood, cultivate sexual relationships, and train men for the real world.

My frat is no different. If anything, we’re one of the better ones at Penn. We throw a couple parties a week, where alcohol is the only release from an otherwise horrifying experience of large men with splotchy skin.

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Satire  Published 02/18/18 8:15am

Feminist Win: All-White Exec Board of Penn Republican Society Is 22% Female Compared to 19.4% of US Congress


Photo by Joody Runtgon / CC0

The Penn Republican Society (PRS) may be one of countless political groups on campus, but it is certainly one of the few leading the charge in issues of diversity and representation.

PRS President Dan Johnson (C ‘19) issued a statement on the issue of gender inequality in politics earlier this week at the first PRS meeting of the semester. “We are proud to say that the PRS board is far more representative of the US population than Congress,” he said. “We have more women in leadership positions than ever, and we even have a member of the LGBTQ community on board. You’re a cool dude, Todd, and feel free to bring your boyfriend to meetings.”

When asked about racial minority representation, Johnson responded that citizenship only belongs to “people whose ancestors were born in this country. [Their] parents don’t count. So technically no minorities are citizens.” Johnson had no response when questioned about his own ancestry or about the citizenship status of Native Americans.

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Satire  Published 02/18/18 8:14am

Freshman Releases List of 20 Candidates for Second Major, Calls It 'M2'


Photo by Canonicalized / CC0

Amazon recently announced the 20 cities remaining in the battle for HQ2, the tech company’s second headquarters in North America.

Lily Watson (C ’21), a psychology major who declared after finding PSYC 001 pretty easy, chose to take a similar approach as the online retailer to determine a second major.

“I contacted all of the departments within the College to let them know that while I'm based in psychology, I am ready to expand into another field," Watson explained. "But they need to show me what they can offer—I’m not just going to choose any regular M2. They’ll have to FIGHT for this GPA."

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Satire  Published 02/18/18 8:14am

OP-ED: Yes, I'm a 50-Year-Old Man, but I’m Not Breaking into This Dorm Room; I’m Her Big


Photos (with edits) by YesManProductions / CC0; rickpilot_2000 / CC BY 2.0

Oh, hi! Didn't see you there—oh, you’re Rachel’s RA? Cool, cool, cool...Yeah, man, I’m just decorating her room for Big/Little week.

I’m sorry, I don’t “look” like I’m in a sorority? It’s 2018. I thought we’d be past the whole judging-by-appearance thing.

Oh, now you want proof that I’m Rachel’s big? What kind of proof? Do you even know how this works, bro?

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Satire  Published 02/18/18 8:14am

Five PURM Projects That Mean Your Professor is Going Through a Divorce


Photo from Max Pixel / CC0

We all know that Penn professors tend to do some strange things in their classes and on their exams, but their endeavors outside of class are sometimes equally perplexing. Take a look at some recent PURM postings from professors who are clearly having a tough semester: 

1. An Investigation Into Innovative Space-Saving Algorithms

A divorce means family income is cut in half, so your poor mentor will probably be on the hunt for more modest accommodations. Best of luck finding a way to fit all that furniture into your new home!

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Satire  Published 02/18/18 8:14am

Penn Linguists Incensed Over New Movement to Drop Periods


Photo by Joaquim Rocha / CC BY-SA 3.0

After rallying against a burgeoning wave of anti-punctuation sentiment, aficionados of the grammatically correct are celebrating a miraculous win. In the face of ardent protests, the University is buckling to public pressure and ending its experimental "drop period"—a time where students could spit in the face of hundreds of years of English language tradition and submit written assignments period-free with no repercussions. Proponents of the drop period have claimed that punctuation “is a artificial construct forced onto students that inhibits both creativity and communication in its highest form.”

Even advocates for the drop period admitted its shortcomings. Bert McCollum (C ‘20), an adamant hater of punctuation of all forms, told UTB that he supported doing away with the drop period. “Even though I hate having to worry about the different between things like commas and semicolons, I need to be able to make my periods 18-pt Times new Roman while the rest of my paper is in 12-pt Times new Roman. Punctuation might be an evil forced onto me be conceited grammarians, but I’ve gotta hit that page count minimum somehow.”

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