Satire  Published 7 hours ago

Obama to Grant Clemency to Lorenzo Bonfiglio During Final Days in Office

Yesterday, the DP reported that alleged Castle arsonist Lorenzo Bonfiglio was given probation after pleading guilty to two charges: recklessly endangering another person, and criminal mischief — tampering with property. This marks the ostensible ending to a long legal process, in which Bonfiglio's preliminary and pretrial hearings were pushed back at least nine times and his 22 original charges were dropped to two.

Today, his case takes another surprising turn: President Barack Obama has announced that he will grant clemency to Bonfiglio. With only two days left in office, this will likely be one of his final acts in the Oval Office. This development comes among a string of sentence commutations for high profile prisoners including Chelsea Manning, an Army intelligence analyst responsible for a massive and consequential data leak, and Oscar Lopez Rivera, a militant and controversial Puerto Rican nationalist.

Bonfiglio, a U.K. native sentenced to three years probation, may seem an odd choice for clemency. Obama acknowledged this in an exclusive interview with UTB: "Yes, I believe he has a job and has still made it to Owls events. Yes, he managed to push his trial back time and time. But he's suffered enough."

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Satire  Published 9 hours ago

​Things We Should Do All Year, Not Just During Sorority Recruitment

Arguably, sorority recruitment is no one's favorite 6 days of the year. When considering other annual highlights such as the first 6 days of Hannukah, shark week, or even the last 6 days of finals when you're stuck on campus because you have one exam on December 22nd, it's obvious that rush pales in comparison. However, recruitment has many unique and valuable qualities that, quite frankly, go unappreciated. Instead of practicing these traditions only once a year, we should never stop:

  • Try chanting. It's like singing, but you can't really be that bad at it.
  • Go to the Annenberg Center every day. It's a great building and "one of the nation's foremost urban performing arts centers on a major university campus."
  • Tell everyone you can how much you love your siSDTers.
  • Learn about the student body's diverse range of academic interests. Spontaneously start up conversations with strangers by asking what their majors are. If someone doesn't know what their major is yet, be sure to comfort them. Tell them it's okay and inform them that they have plenty of time to figure it out.
  • Coordinate with 300 of your closest friends.
  • Be friendly and kind to people you haven't met.
  • Let people know how funny and culturally relevant you are: create Facebook cover photos with puns and/or memes relating to popular culture.
  • Simply stand outside for 15+ minutes as often as possible. Take time to appreciate and enjoy the beautiful city of Philadelphia.
  • Dress snappy casual!

News  Published 01/17/17 7:10pm

Penn Athletics Shares Questionable New Ad

Honestly, it doesn’t take much mental gymnastics to conclude that this recent Penn Athletics promotion was very, very poorly thought out.

As one of many critical Facebook commenters observed, has no one learned anything from the disaster that was the Gisele and LeBron Vogue cover?! The implicit characterization of black men as “beasts” is, to put it lightly, an offensive and tired trope.

And while calling someone a beauty may seem like a compliment, in actuality, the ad serves to trivialize hardworking athletes by likening them to beauty contestants.

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Satire  Published 01/17/17 4:01pm

If Amy Gutmann Tweeted Like Donald Trump

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Satire  Published 01/17/17 12:41pm

Which Penn A Capella Group Will Headline Trump's Inauguration?

Ever since Broadway singer Jennifer Holliday pulled out of Trump’s inauguration, people have wondered who would be taking over to headline the concert. Some thought that this was the moment where the President-Elect would finally face humiliation. Wrong!

The truth is Trump’s team has been looking to his alma mater for his next star act. We can't speak to which groups will be willing to perform, but here is a definitive ranking of the chances that certain Penn a capella groups are invited to perform at the inauguration this Friday. We did not cover every Penn a capella group, because there are thousands of them.

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Features  Published 01/17/17 12:10pm

20 Quick and Easy Emergency Rush Events

Things just don't work out every once in a while. Sometimes, you're on your way to your wicked sweet mini golf night for rush and the bus you're taking breaks down somewhere in Jersey. Other times, Fro Gro runs out of cups for beer pong. If your rush event needs replacing on the spot, here are a few ideas to help you pull through.

  1. Skipping rocks on the Schuylkill
  2. Face painting
  3. Wishbone byo
  4. Scavenger hunt in VP basement
  5. Ultimate frisbee in the dark
  6. That arcade by Copa that everyone forgets exists
  7. Make a large map of the United States and mark where each rush is from, because that's the only thing you know about them
  8. Cleaning the disgusting basement
  9. Community service
  10. Price some bonds
  11. Movie night. Watch Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde in the chapter room. If a rush hasn't seen the first Legally Blonde, they are cut.
  12. Rhythm Room
  13. Dropping mentos into diet coke and saying "cool" loudly enough to be heard but not loudly enough to be weird
  14. An open and frank discussion about the various social problems surrounding greek life
  15. Dog picture slideshow with "Wagon Wheel" playing on repeat in the background
  16. Field trip to bio pond
  17. Group therapy session
  18. Hit some ranch
  19. Thumb war tournament
  20. That team building exercise where everybody holds hands and gets very twisted up and then you have to work your way out of the mess without letting go of your teammates' hands

News  Published 01/16/17 3:25pm

Concerned Parent And Anonymous User Clash Over Dining On Penn Subreddit

Let’s face it: Penn Dining is not universally acclaimed. Despite efforts to improve through focus groups, some students still describe the options as "what?" or "yeah, I guess that's food." And for the steep price, some parents are left wanting more.

Seeking guidance on where his or her son could find edible options, one concerned parent of a freshman turned to the best location for advice on campus, the “UPenn” subreddit. 

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Features  Published 01/16/17 3:02pm

On-Campus Sororities, Graded on Whether or Not Members Love Their SiSDTers

Theta: 0/10, do not love their siSDTers

Chi O: 0/10, do not love their siSDTers

ADPi: 0/10, do not love their siSDTers

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Features  Published 01/16/17 1:09pm

Natural Light's Wikipedia Page is Hilarious

Natural Light, or "Natty Light" as the kids call it, is well known on college campuses. It's cheap. It's mildly alcoholic. Legally, it's beer. What you might not know is that its Wikipedia page is absolutely bonkers.

Usually, a Wikipedia page will have a company's logo as the graphic, or at least a high quality picture of the product in question. Nope, not for Natty. Instead, the author chose an extremely poorly-lit photo of a pyramid of cans placed in front of an American flag, which we can only assume is covering up holes drunkenly punched in the drywall.

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News  Published 01/14/17 4:56pm

"Wharton-Women" Domain Name Acquired by Porn Site

Talk about a hostile takeover. The website domain appears to have been purchased by a party unrelated to Wharton, as it now redirects to a Russian pornography website. Perhaps WWIB is taking its mission of celebrating female leaders in the business world, and beyond, a little too far. Maybe a Management-100 project got out of hand. Or maybe this is just another part of the Russian plan to disrupt Penn student life by way of hacking and skullduggery. In any case, a search for "Wharton" pornography returned a disappointing zero results.

UPDATE: The Wharton Women President reached out after this post was published to say the group is pursuing "legal action to remove the new site." For now, the Wharton Women webpage is hosted at 

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