Satire  Published 40 minutes ago

'You're More Than a Number:' Sobbing Professor Comforted by Friends After PCR Rating Falls Below 3.5

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Photo from Pixabay / CC0


Even in undergrad, people knew Henry Glocksen was going places. As a tenured professor at Penn, Glocksen revolutionized his highly esoteric subfield of mathematics and won a series of awards for exceptional teaching ability.

But it seems that was all for nothing.

Last Saturday, Glocksen learned that he’d lost the most important distinction that a distinguished professor can obtain: a Penn Course Review teacher quality rating exceeding 3.5.

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Satire  Published 43 minutes ago

Wow! This Freshman Deactivated His Facebook to 'Focus on Academics' and Still Got a C- in PSYC 001

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Earlier this semester, Connor Stanley (C '21) made a sacrifice that no one else could: he deactivated his Facebook account to focus on academics. Stanley spoke to us about the move, saying that he "simply could not handle" a 4-credit course load this semester if Facebook was going to be there to distract him. "Being tagged in photos, plus having my messenger notifications on, plus having to work on my writing seminar portfolio?! There's no way I can do all that this semester," he explained.

According to Stanley, a lot of his friends complained that it was hard to reach him and invite him to events without his Facebook profile available. "It's fine, it's fine! I don't want to be invited anywhere anyway. I can't really go out that much this semester. I really want to stay in when I can to study for my classes."

Fair point! We all know that skipping out on some things really pays off in the long run. As the semester comes to a close, we met with Stanley again in order to see how far he's come with his grades now that social media is out of his life. Sadly, things had taken a turn for the worse. "I... I don't know what happened. I deactivated my Facebook account and yet, I still got some really bad grades. I just got my final back for PSYC 001 and it's a C-," he told us. We asked him what he had been doing with all his free time, and he said he converted his time normally spent on Facebook into rustic, stimulating activities, such as knitting a quilt out of turkey feathers and perfecting his bird calls.

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Satire  Published 16 hours ago

Senior Exhausts Every Last Gift Option for Family Members at Penn Bookstore

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Photo by Giang / CC BY 2.0


Reportedly wringing his hands in distress, Trevor Castellano (E '18) learned yesterday that he had finally exhausted the Penn Bookstore's gift selection for his family members.

"Jesus, I really sucked this place dry," said Castellano, clutching the roots of his hair in exasperation upon remembering that he had, in fact, already gotten his brother a Penn-themed Rubik's Cube 2 years ago. "I leave for home on Saturday and I have no presents. What else I could possibly get them besides Penn hats? This is literally more stressful than my Econ final."

At press time, Castellano was frantically adding variety packs of patterned socks to his Amazon Prime cart.


Satire  Published 12/16/17 10:01pm

BREAKING: Californian Takes Pictures in Snow

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Photo by jill111 / CC0


Freshman Alicia Miller (C ‘21) had never seen snow before she came to Penn. As a native of Los Angeles, Lu considered a hoodie and sweats to be dressing for winter. When the first snowfall came, Alicia hopped out of her bed and sprinted to the window.

“It’s snowing!” she shouted to her roommate, who was from Philadelphia, or a suburb, rather. Alicia couldn’t contain her excitement as she raced through the halls of her dorm and onto Locust Walk.

There, she spotted almost everyone from her SoCal (that’s Southern California FYI) group chat already outside taking pictures. Alicia quickly realized she needed to as well. Finding a buddy, she went around campus taking generic snow-themed pictures— one throwing snow in the air and laughing, one in front of the Love statue covered in snow, and one laying on the ground making snow angels.

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Satire  Published 12/16/17 9:33pm

Bold: Freshman Permanently Cut Off Friends, Family in Preparation for Single Final

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In a move some described as “excessive,” College freshman and Political Science major Justin West permanently severed all contact with his friends and family in order to prepare for his first and only final of the year. After the final took place on Friday, West seemed to be happy with his decision.

“I definitely pulled average on that exam,” he bragged. “And all it took was me distancing myself from everyone who cares about me forever.”

Former friends of West said that he messaged them about a week before the exam to notify them of the decision. “He said he had to prioritize school, which I get,” one friend said. “But when I asked him to get Frontera with me, all he said was 'maybe next year.' I hope he knows his final is only two hours long.”

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Satire  Published 12/15/17 11:19pm

School of Design to Stop Offering Credits for Standing Outside the Design Building Smoking Cigarettes

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Photo by Daderot / CC0


This past Wednesday, the School of Design announced a sweeping change to the current curriculum. The new curriculum will take effect for Architecture and Design students beginning enrollment in Fall of 2018.

A mandatory introductory course for these majors, which required students to spend 60 minutes a week standing outside the Design Building smoking cigarettes, has been completely eliminated from the curriculum. The course, previously titled “Pondering Design,” provided students with the opportunity to think design-related thoughts while pacing, sitting, and smoking with other design students.

One junior, Adrian Min, said that the class greatly enriched his college education. “The class may be gone, but what I learned while sitting outside the Design School, smoking, will forever stay with me,” Min claims.

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Satire  Published 12/15/17 11:18pm

OP-ED: Um Actually, Your Favorite Show is Just a Twin Peaks Ripoff

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Photo by Needhi Mehta


The following letter was found earlier today, taped to your bedroom door in your quad apartment in Gregory College House.

Hey,

It’s your hipster suitemate. I know that we don’t talk a ton and that I usually go straight to my room and lock the door as soon as I get home, but I really need to get this off my chest. This isn’t easy for me to say, because I hate being self-righteous and holier-than-thou, but your favorite shows are just ripoffs of the hugely-influential, early 90s David Lynch series Twin Peaks.

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Satire  Published 12/15/17 4:13pm

Freshman Sees No Red Flags When Picking 'E) None of the Above' for Every Question on Final

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There’s no accomplishment that feels as good as studying incredibly hard for a final and then acing it! Amazingly, Alexandra Simons (C '21) felt that same pride, even after answering every question on her exam with "E) None of the above."

This unbelievable feat, accomplished during her Math 104 final exam, required immense amounts of focus, persistence, and false confidence. Immediately after the exam, Simons was heard saying that she “just felt really good about this one.” She did comment on how funny it was that “none of her answers were options,” but otherwise showed no signs of concern.

When asked to comment on the situation, Math department Undergraduate Vice Chair Joe Sterns refused to respond to Simons case directly. However, Sterns did admit, “the answer is never 'E) None of the above.' We just put that on exams to fuck with the students a bit.”

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Satire  Published 12/15/17 2:48pm

OP-ED: How My One Trip to Fishtown Made Me a Philly Expert

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Photos (with edits) by 2886138 / CC0 and Lululemon Athletica 


Penn is great and all, but have you ever stopped and thought, “Hey, maybe there’s more to Philly?" I’ll admit, I was once naïve too. The idea would have never occurred to me before my best friends and I made a trip to a Fishtown beer garden.

I was expecting Philadelphia to be dirty and full of unsophisticates, especially North Philly based off the things I’ve heard, but it’s as they say: you don’t really know a city until you get to know a city.

Fishtown is vibrant, and rugged, and made me feel like I was a little bit sceney. Like, a beer garden, come on! How many Penn students have been to one of those?

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Satire  Published 12/14/17 1:36pm

Gluten-Free Students Outraged Over New Bread-ing Days

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Photo by Alpha Stock Images / CC 3.0


With finals season now in full gear and Philly’s population of pettable dogs in radically short supply (probably), the University is being forced to get creative with events that will assuage students’ stress in this trying time. Reading Days, the two day period where Penn students are finally allowed to read the books posted on their course syllabi after a semester-long blackout period, have historically been a time when students are forced to make hard choices with their time commitments. But this semester, University administration is looking to shake things up and smooth out the transition from Reading Days into finals period by giving students the chance to catch a breather.

Enter Breading Days, the perfect time for people to channel their anxiety and stress into making and eating delicious, glutenous baked goods. For the two days after Reading Days, stressed Quakers can exert their rage over a brutal finals schedule that barely gives students enough time to catch their breath in the academic sprint that follows Thanksgiving Break by pounding sticky blobs of flour, yeast and water into a dough chock full of everyone’s favorite protein, then eating it. Penn is even splurging by giving every student who participates their own proving drawer!

Unfortunately, a certain subset of students is railing against this new program. Whether these students actually suffer from Celiacs Disease or are just following some trendy new diet has yet to be seen, but anti-gluten protesters have already started lining up outside of College Hall. They claim that the University is ignoring the gluten-free community to pander to a wheat-addicted majority. These anti-gluten crusaders are circulating a petition for a more inclusive Breading Days alternative, but their proposed “Ricing Days” just doesn't sound anywhere near as tasty or creative.


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