News  Published 01/14/17 4:56pm

"Wharton-Women" Domain Name Acquired by Porn Site

Talk about a hostile takeover. The website domain Wharton-women.com appears to have been purchased by a party unrelated to Wharton, as it now redirects to a Russian pornography website. Perhaps WWIB is taking its mission of celebrating female leaders in the business world, and beyond, a little too far. Maybe a Management-100 project got out of hand. Or maybe this is just another part of the Russian plan to disrupt Penn student life by way of hacking and skullduggery. In any case, a search for "Wharton" pornography returned a disappointing zero results.

UPDATE: The Wharton Women President reached out after this post was published to say the group is pursuing "legal action to remove the new site." For now, the Wharton Women webpage is hosted at whartonwomen-penn.com. 


Satire  Published 01/13/17 3:52pm

Don’t Ignore These Lesser-Known Fraternities During Rush

Rush is a stressful time for anyone seeking to validate their value as a human being, and it’s easy to get caught up in joining the “coolest” or “least-rapey” fraternities. However, many options exist beyond your run-of-the-mill, binge-drinking bro-brothels, so be sure to consider these lesser-known frats this week.

The Real Crows: you know about Crows, but have you heard of their literal counterpart? For those who feel that Castle’s membership is too heterogenous, this incredible band of brothers consists of 100% real crows. Ravens are also welcome, because no one is quite sure of the difference. 

A frat full of those people who you’ve met once but are not sure if you should acknowledge in passing so you pretend to check your phone in order to avoid eye contact whenever you see them: what a great group of guys.

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Features  Published 01/13/17 3:04pm

University City's Best Kept Dining Secret: Pickles on McNuggets

A wise man once said that no good decisions have been made past two in the morning. That man is clearly an idiot because a late-night stop at the McDonald's on 40th and Walnut can land you an order of McNuggets with pickles on top. 

For the past semester, UTB's Senior Pickle Correspondent, Deanna Taylor (W'19), has been investigating this strange menu item. She reports a 100% success rate in acquiring pickle-laden McNuggets. Her secret? If you simply insist that the pickles are non-negotiable, they'll be happy to oblige. Or they won't care enough to refuse.

With many nights of absolutely dreadful decision-making ahead, remember this: McDonald's is open late and you should keep your mind open, too. Give this gourmet dish a chance.


Features  Published 01/12/17 4:00pm

Rush Conversation Starters

It's sorority rush season, which is really just one big blur of black Canada Goose jackets, the phrase "we were just talking about", and the song "Sorry" by Justin Bieber. All conversations begin with "wow it's so cold/warm outside!", lead to "oh you're undecided? it's okay, you have so much time!" and end with "my coat is the black one with fur". We're here to tell you that it doesn't have to be that way. Here are some rush conversation starters that will 100% get you a bid*:

  • How do you feel about 5th Harmony's breakup?
  • Who did you vote for?
  • How much do you know about turtle mating periods?
  • Would you rather have nipples for eyes or eyes for nipples?
  • I've been kidnapped and you are my only chance to escape this house.
  • If Luca is three years older than John and Krista was born before Luca, who is the oldest in the family?
  • What does this towel smell like to you?
  • What kind of allergies do you have?
  • We should compare our bare feet! 
  • Do you come from a wealthy family?
  • Has the messiah come yet?
  • Have you given any more thought to this feet thing?
  • I spent my summer in Syria fighting ISIS, did you do anything worthwhile?
  • Let me show you all the fire exits in this house
  • Will you rub aloe on my body?
  • Are you on MySpace?
  • Obama's birth certificate is fake
  • How will you support Camila Cabello now that she has left 5th Harmony and will embark on a solo career?
  • What's really going on at the Denver International Airport?

*This is a lie. But if you don't get the sorority of your dreams, feel free to apply to UTB.


Satire  Published 01/12/17 1:29pm

Did Russia Hack PennInTouch?

PennInTouch, famous for being very important to those who want to know when and where they need to be for class, was overloaded and inaccessible on the first day of classes. Who could be so dastardly, so malicious as to throw a wrench in the academic workings of Penn? There is no one to blame for PennInTouch’s ill-timed shutdown than Sarah Palin’s western neighbors.

In keeping with its pattern of interference in the American presidential election, the Russian objective must have been to stunt the intellectual growth and academic success of Penn students, future American leaders. It's a long term strategy, to say the least, but it sounds exactly like something Putin would do. Missing the first class or being unable to add/drop means lower grades, stress, and unwanted classes, which will slightly hurt the professional futures of those affected.

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Satire  Published 01/12/17 12:08pm

Rush: An Etiquette Guide for Joining Sororities and Fraternities

Rush is very different for men and women, but we've put together a guide for the sisters and brothers of tomorrow. Follow this religiously, and you'll be just fine.

For those rushing sororities: Arrive early. Dress as is exactly appropriate for the vague, confusing theme, and expect compliments of dubious authenticity. Be cordial to the girls waiting with you, but remember that they are your competition. Flatter the sisters who speak to you without coming off as a kiss-ass or desperate. Say a nice goodbye to sisters you're talking to when you switch away from them, but not so nice that you make the next sister feel uncomfortable or feel like she has big shoes to fill. Do not comment on the size of a sister's shoes—this will only create embarrassment and hostility. Answer questions truthfully, but remember that each answer should be carefully crafted to make a good impression. Do not be yourself, be someone better. Bring an EpiPen with you in case any sisters have allergies. Use each sorority's code word as frequently as possible (if you don't know the code words, it's already too late). Mention your Canada Goose jacket. Make every effort to remember sisters' names and use them as frequently as possible to demonstrate your engagement with the conversation. Expect basic questions and be prepared to liven up your answers with jokes or references to popular culture or student life. Do not mention the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. Do not talk to boys. Do not talk to snakes in tongues. Remember the Alamo. Laugh frequently, but gently—you're easygoing and fun, prove it.

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Satire  Published 01/11/17 6:21pm

Is Dr. Dre Our Next Provost?

A video of Provost Vincent Price rapping at commencement last year has garnered some 66,000 views. Having a rapper as Provost has been great, and we don't want it to end when Price goes to Duke. So we reached out to the real Leo Charney, Executive Director of Communications at the Office of the Provost, to see if our next Provost will spit fire.

Mr. Charney responded quickly, reminding us that "Dre is a Dr. after all so there's that". We can only assume that Dr. Dre is our next Provost. This is good news-- a Provost with bars is exactly what we need.


News  Published 01/10/17 2:26pm

Dean Furda Confirms His Safety With Dashing New Photograph

A charming smile. Elegant, dark wood in the background. Thick, lustrous hair—styled like a movie star. A tastefully unbuttoned shirt. Ladies and gentlemen, Dean Furda is alive and well.

Furda tweeted at us on December 23rd, 2016 to make clear his good health and good spirits in wake of our article questioning his whereabouts. We can rest easy, knowing he is safe. Thank you, Dean Furda, for all that you do. We wouldn't be here without you, because you are the dean of admissions.


 Published 01/01/17 4:43pm

Apply to Join UTB!

Follow this link to apply to join the UTB writing staff! You'll meet great people, have a blast, share your creativity with the campus, and get branded (non-negotiable). The application is due at 11:59 pm on January 18th. Email akst@dailypennsylvanian.com if you have any questions. 


Satire  Published 12/21/16 4:08pm

BREAKING: Biden to Accept RA Position in Quad

Politico announced that Joe Biden will "set up shop" at Penn after his term as Vice President is over. Aside from this vague statement, neither the school nor the White House would speak to what exactly Biden planned to do at Penn, where his granddaughter Naomi recently graduated.

Finally, the White House broke its silence. Biden plans to take a position as a Resident Advisor, also known as an RA, in the Quad. Sources close to the Vice President indicated that he considered an RA position in Rodin, too, until he was informed that it's the worst college house. The Vice President's spokesperson Meghan Dubyak spoke to UTB.

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