News  Published 12 hours ago

Rodin Is Officially The Worst College House

So let's go back to a seemingly minor decision many upperclassmen were making around six months ago: which high rise to live in this year. Since they all pretty much look identical, does it really matter which one you live in?

The short answer: yes. The long answer: well, let's describe the nightmare that living in Rodin has thus far:

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 Published 10/22/16 10:12pm

Hillary Thanks "The Pennsylvanian" For Endorsement

Hillary Clinton, speaking just now at her rally at Penn Park, shouted out "The Pennsylvanian" for their recent endorsement saying that "I needed to get there as soon as possible to say thank you." Either HRC doesn't know the proper name for The Daily Pennsylvanian or she has picked up some next-level shade (RIP Friday print) from Donald Trump. Either way, we appreciate the attempt at recognition.

News  Published 10/22/16 4:20pm

Clinton and Kaine Are Coming To Penn, But Like...Why?

As many of you may know, everyone's favorite Democratic presidential nominee, Secretary Hillary Clinton, will be holding a rally at Penn Park tonight! Accompanying her is America's "cool" step-dad, who takes you out for ice cream after the big game cause you "tried your best, champ", Governor Tim Kaine. While it's cool as hell that Penn students and Philadelphians (and maybe some people from Jersey) will get to see the, most likely, next president of the United States, we're not quite sure why she chose to come here. . .

Philadelphia is very much "With Her", and has been with every other Democratic nominee since 1936. She's pretty much got this one in the bag when it comes to Philly/Penn. Even The Daily Pennsylvanian, has endorsed her. The Statesman is still holding out, but maybe they endorse her too. 

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 Published 10/22/16 1:29pm

Pro/Con/Pro: Urinals

To follow up on our bathroom coverage, two UTB staffers are here to discuss urinals.

Rebecca Tan and Meredith Mitchell: We both saw a urinal once after accidentally going into a men’s restroom so we’re quite literally experts on the subject. If you disagree, you are sexist.

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 Published 10/21/16 6:31pm

Dreams Come True - Bio Pond Turtles Saved

Another day, another victory for justice. About two weeks ago, in our inaugural mono week, UTB wrote an impassioned appeal to save the biopond turtles. Through our hashtag #StandWithMonoTurtles, we galvanized this community and advocated for the right thing. 

Yesterday, our efforts paid off. In a letter to the DP, Greenhouse and Garden manager Joshua Darfler said that after hearing from "thoughtful and concerned individuals" (that's us), they decided that the biopond turtles would not be euthanized. Instead, they will be gently and patiently escorted to the tri-state area. 

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News  Published 10/20/16 12:14pm

Hillel is Throwing a Launch Party for a Gender-Neutral Bathroom

Want to celebrate tonight but don't know where to go? Well now you do! Hillel is opening their first ever gender-neutral bathroom-- and they're throwing a launch party for it. To be honest, we're not quite sure what a bathroom launch party looks like. There seems to be a "tasting," which might be a little concerning (will there be urinal cakes?), but regardless we expect it to be the #wokest party tonight. Here's to more gender-neutral bathrooms -- and pregaming opportunities-- on campus!

Features  Published 10/19/16 4:42pm

Wanna Avoid Getting MERTED? Don't Go To Gregory

UTB has been alerted of some high-profile information regarding everyone's favorite Medical Emergency Response Team, MERT. While they handle many a drunk student, they tend to handle a ton from Gregory College House in particular. Why is this? Are Gregorians much worse at handling their liquor? Do they have a tendency to drink away their sorrows of not being admitted into New College House?

Probably not.

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News  Published 10/19/16 1:47pm

Apparently There's A New Senior Society And It's Called Atlas

Atlas is a new senior society that apparently exists! Atlas was formed in 2016 but has been in use since the mid-16th century. The first atlas was the De Summa totius Orbis, created by Italian cartographer Pietro Coppo. We reached out to Mr. Coppo for comment on the new senior society that, as a surprise to many, exists. He wasn't immediately available for comment. 

 Published 10/18/16 5:48pm

New Records Show Osama Bin Laden Attended Penn

Author's note: This post has been edited to remove a reference to bin Laden's burial which was considered unsavory by members of the Penn community. 

For more than a year, one Penn alum (barely) has dominated the headlines. Trump, Trump, Trump. It's hard to go anywhere without hearing the 1968 graduate's name. He topped the DP's list of infamous alumni, and Columbia's marching band tried to roast us for accepting him in an underwhelming attack-poem. It seems that if you asked just about anyone who Penn's worst alumnus is, they'd say Donald Trump.

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News  Published 10/18/16 12:30pm

Penn's Sumerian Tablets Rival Oz For Worst Jokes Of 2016

A collection of Sumerian clay tablets at the Penn Museum was just translated and they put Donald Trump’s tweets to shame. Penn students have been rejoicing as they frantically delete drunk selfies to make room on their devices for this sick new mixtape. While it’s not Taylor Swift’s secret album, it’s even better (plus it might actually be on Spotify). In celebration of the harvest, the Sumerians invented a celebration that would put the American practice of massacring Native Americans to shame – they wrote hypothetical (or not?) arguments between farm tools. The plow and the hoe go at it in a series of exchanges as intense as the 2016 Republican primary debates. Check out this hilarious excerpt:

Plow: “Oh, the hoe. Tied together with thongs. Made from poplar, tooth, and ash. Oh, hoe, with your poor little head stuck in the mud, weeding miserably with your crooked teeth in the muck.”

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