Satire  Published 13 hours ago

Junior Finally Shuts Down Fake Nonprofit She Used to Get Into Penn


Photo from pxhere / CC0

It’s been quite a sombre day for Juliet Smith (C ’19). Sources report that the once-ambitious student has been forced to officially shut down and cease all operations for the nonprofit that she started while in high school.

According to the now-defunct website, Smith’s nonprofit, Causes4Kids4Relief4Lyfe, “helps ameliorate poor conditions amongst impoverished people and cats and trees in areas of need”. This incredibly specific and detailed mission statement was included in a creative collage with pictures of Smith teaching students to read and code, volunteering at a soup kitchen, and giving her leftover pizza to a homeless person.

Despite having registered this organization as a legitimate nonprofit in 16 different states and having referenced it in her Common App essay, all of her job interviews, and half of her resume, Smith has finally felt the need to shut it down.

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Satire  Published 16 hours ago

OP-ED: In Defense of the Task Force, I Now Have an Excuse to Not Be Social


Photo: Pixabay / CC0

Fine, I'll admit it. I need to come out and say one thing: I'm thankful for the task force.

People have a lot of negative things to say about the task force's recommendations— that they're ruining social lives and that they've led to unreasonably aggressive shutting down of parties and gatherings by Penn Police. Well, I'd like to give my two cents and say that the task force has made my social life better than it's ever been. I can finally stay home on weekends without pretending like I care about being a real person. Fun!

My friends will call me asking if I'm "going to the mixer" and, thanks to University overreach, in a heartbeat I can reply, "Sorry, but I just want to err on the safe side. The party could really likely be shut down, and I don't know if I want to dress up for an event that might last 15 minutes." Believe it or not, people are really understanding! More so than they were when I used to tell them I was "just not in the mood to see other humans right now and would rather watch re-runs of Degrassi from 2007."

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Satire  Published 10/23/17 2:09am

OP-ED: I'm Sipping Wine on a Barcelona Beach and Having Serious FOMO


Photo by Ben30 / CC BY-SA 2.0

I lay on Barceloneta Beach on a cloudless day, the sun shining on my face and a gentle wind blowing across the Spanish (or perhaps Catalonian) sand. As the waves came in, I found myself drifting from Barcelona to Philadelphia, thinking of my friends back home. I had already made my way through my first bottle of wine and was reaching for my second bottle when I was hit with a profound sense of FOMO like none I had ever experienced. My mind flooded with confusion and despair like an existential thirteenth floor of Rodin.

Sure, I was in one of the most beautiful places in the world, surrounded by wonderful people, delicious food, and exquisite art, but my friends are probably in their apartment pounding Yuenglings that they stole from a frat party last week. 

Suddenly, my phone started buzzing with GroupMe messages about my friends— for as long as I can call them that before they forget about me entirely— organizing a trip to Ken's Seafood tonight. What the fuck. 

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Satire  Published 10/23/17 2:06am

Frat House Crumbles After Partygoer Stealthily Nabs Crucial Structural Element


Photo by Michael Gaida / CC0

For freshman and upperclassmen alike, open fraternity events provide a unique opportunity to steal valuable items, such as toothpaste, wall decorations, a handle of cheap vodka, or crackers from the kitchen cabinet. The experience leaves them with an adrenaline rush, an inexplicable sense of fulfillment, and zero guilt about stealing from people, somehow. This past weekend, however, someone took the activity to its extreme.

The residence of local fraternity Omega Phi Upsilon Kappa suffered a total collapse after a partygoer wrestled a support beam from the basement ceiling at an event Saturday night. All attendees were able to escape physically unharmed, but the chapter house is in ruins.

"They really screwed us over here," said fraternity brother and Wharton sophomore Bush Reilly. "The whole house came down. It'll be at least a week before we throw another party."

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Satire  Published 10/23/17 1:59am

Wow! This Guy Pronounces "Gyro" Correctly at Greek Lady


Photo by George Ruiz / CC 2.0

Nathan Kwan (E '19) is a man of many talents. Engineering Chair of the 2019 Class Board, captain of club squash, an avid cook and a gifted songwriter-- it really seems like Kwan does it all.

And now this: just the other day, Kwan ordered a "chicken yee-ro" (a chicken gyro, for the uninitiated) at Greek Lady. 

Kwan proudly stated, "Yeah, most people don't really know that it's pronounced that way. But I spent the summer traveling in Europe, so I know a thing or two about Greek culture from my time in Santorini." He took a bite of the French fry-stuffed pita. "I think authenticity is important. Most Americans don't appreciate the beauty of other cultures."

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Satire  Published 10/22/17 4:37pm

Freshman Accidentally Rushes Sci-Fi Instead of Phi Psi

Jordan Taylor (E ’21) was looking forward to rushing a reputable and quality fraternity. After hours of eating free food, mingling with the brothers, and attending lavish outings, he finally received a bid from the frat he coveted most: Phi Psi.

Or, so he thought! When he went to brag about his achievement to some of his friends, he was hit with a reality check.

“Guys, I just made Sci-Fi!” he told his friends.

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Satire  Published 10/22/17 1:36pm

QUIZ: How Many Cheek Kisses Is This Fancy Hello?


Photo by Pexels / Pixabay

OMG! It’s Rachel. We haven’t seen her since at least NSO. How many cheek kisses is this fancy hello? Answer these questions, and see how many times you're going to kiss Rachel's perfect cheeks!

1. Hey you! Yeah, you! Superstar! How are you doing, beautiful? Come here!

A.) Hello, darling!

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Satire  Published 10/22/17 1:00pm

OP-ED: The Ability to Have Guac at Penn


Photo by The Daily Pennsylvanian

It’s 5:00 pm after my three hour chemistry lab. In years past, this was the best time of the evening. I would run over from the Chem building to Frontera, get in line, and ask for my favorite—fully dressed guacamole and chips. This is my one release. It’s my 30 minutes of pretending I don't have any homework to do afterwards or meetings to attend later that night. It’s my 30 minutes when my best friends and I can get together before we head to Van Pelt and study the night away. Ask any alumnus what their favorite Penn food is: 9 out of 10 will not say something from Chipotle, but rather Frontera’s guac.

Today, though, I walked in and asked for my usual order. “Sorry, we're out of guac,” said the cashier. This was not the first time. This has happened to several of my friends, as well. Instead of funding activities like Wharton career fairs, we need to focus our funding on Frontera. They are always out of guac. This is a problem that gets swept under a rug of issues that the university just does not want to mention, but keep in a little box labeled “problems that don’t really apply to us.” It seems as if our cries for a normal amount of guacamole go unheard.

With Penn’s competitive culture, guacamole is the one safe haven I have. I save up my dining dollars weekly just so I can spend it on the guac. Sometimes, I splurge and buy the fully dressed guac. Other times, I keep it simple. The school’s main focuses should be making sure that its students are happy, healthy, and thriving at Penn (TAP). However, with no guac, there is no school. Penn is taking away things that, for the most part, are our only options to get away from the academic and financial pressures on campus.

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Satire  Published 10/22/17 12:42pm

​I Purchased a Powerade Water Bottle: Do You Still Think You're Better Than Me, Student Athletes?


Photo from Wikimedia Commons

Do you know how much a 32 oz. Powerade squeeze water bottle 2-piece set is on Amazon?


For $9.49 a bottle, I can be just as good as you, student athletes.

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Satire  Published 10/22/17 12:55am

Penn Accidentally Hires English-Speaking Math Professor


Photo from Public Domain

As midterm season is in full swing, countless Penn students are undoubtedly complaining about their professors and their various incompetencies. Unfortunately for students taking math courses, these problems are only about to get worse.

Reports indicate that the Penn Mathematics Department has just made the fatal error of hiring Professor Robert Philip, a distinguished Nobel Laureate and MacArthur Genius Grant Recipient. Despite having received his Master’s from MIT and PhD from Stanford, Phillip is a native English speaker— an unfortunate characteristic that sets him apart for all the wrong reasons.

“We apologize sincerely for this inexcusable mistake,” said a spokesperson from the Penn Mathematics Department. “We like to conduct a thorough background check of all prospective professors to ensure that they are able to confuse the hell out of their students in lecture. Somehow, Professor Philip slipped through the cracks.”

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