Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Revenge is Sweet: Student Signs Mortal Enemy Up for Every Club’s Listserv


Photo by FlipFlopFanatic / CC 3.0 Unported

Cathy Jones (C ’20) has had a hard life; on top of getting rejected from Wharton Collaborative Consulting club and failing statistics, she also found herself at odds with one of her hallmates, Lily Hitchock (C ’20). Cathy and Lily have never gotten along. They always end up wearing the same outfit from Urban, going to the same coffee chat for the same internship, and stealing the hall’s only available washing machine right when the other person is about to use it.

“I hate her,” said Cathy about Lily and also Lily about Cathy. Cathy, however, wanted revenge for what she considers the last straw in their strained relationship. “Not only was she interviewing right before me for a coffee chat, she spilled coffee on me right before I was about to interview. More importantly, who even orders coffee at a coffee chat?”

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Satire  Published 14 hours ago

Bathroom Review: The Quad


Photo by Under the Button Staff

So much went down in my freshman year bathroom. I pooped for the first time in my life, I met my first girlfriend (a shampoo bottle), and my roommate accidentally got addicted to meth after sitting on a needle someone left on the toilet seat. (Rest in peace my sweet Franzio; you did not deserve to get a fatal sunburn just days after kicking the meth addiction.) Now’s not the time to reminisce, though– we have a bathroom to review.

The Paper Towel Dispenser

I was hoping that in the years since my freshman year someone would have fixed the paper towel dispenser but, to my intense dismay, I ruined an entire roll trying to get it to work. When trees go extinct and we have to wear scuba suits to breathe, you’ll know whose fault it is.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Clickbait: The Reason Why the Forum Is So Dimly Lit Will Shock You


Photo by Jan-Erik Finnberg / CC2.0

As a convenient spot to work between classes and meetings or while waiting for your GSR to become available, the forum is often occupied by students squinting to read their notes under lights as dim as their OCR prospects. But why would such an expensive building, a building with so much money, a building with so many rich people and stuff, have such feeble illumination? Under the Button ventured to find out the truth, and it was shocking.

Near the end of the $139.9 million building’s construction, the project’s planners realized that they had built sockets for high-powered light bulbs in the ceiling of the forum, but had not yet installed the bulbs. As the planners were alums of Wharton, they sucked at math, and had miscalculated how long a ladder they would need to reach the ceiling.

At that point, they simply did not have enough funding left to buy a ladder that was tall enough. It was an inevitable tragedy that could easily have been avoided by a couple Engineering students.

Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Penn Promises to Build New Asian American Studies Building on 35th Street


Screenshot of Campus Map

After a semester of student-led protests and petitions urging administrators to direct more resources into the Asian American studies program, extremely receptive Penn administrators have taken a huge step toward securing the future of the program. Penn recently announced plans to build a new Center for Asian American Studies on 35th Street, right in the heart of Penn's campus.

In a joint statement, the College Dean and Associate Dean expressed their support for the project: "For too long, we have been told that we are not giving enough attention to the Asian American studies program. We propose to change this by informing you that we are at some point planning to build a brand new Center for Asian American Studies, which will be located at the intersection of 35th Street and Walnut Street. No construction date has been set so far, but we promise that it's happening, so can we be done now?"

There was immediate pushback from the Asian American Studies Undergraduate Advisory Board, who pointed out that no such intersection exists, and that buildings already exist in the space where an intersection would, but the deans have yet to address these complaints. It appears that coming up with such a generous gesture had exhausted their ability to communicate with students.

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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Crime Log: September 21-26


Artwork by MJ Kang

Unknown Crime

Sep 23: The police know that a crime occurred, and they know who did it. They just can't figure out what the crime was. If anyone knows what the crime was, please contact Penn Police.


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Satire  Published 15 hours ago

Wow! AOD's Initiatives End Up Making Party Way Better


Public Domain

With the advent of Penn’s new policies on social events, fraternity-organized parties are going just as well as one would expect– remarkably.

“These rules really promote a safe and care-free environment to have fun in,” says junior Riley Saunders, an AOD student representative and enjoys scrapbooking and knitting in her free time. “All they do is provide a set of guidelines to foster a welcoming and nurturing environment without risk of How could anyone think otherwise?”

With the new registration system, on-campus organizations are racing to log their events.

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Satire  Published 21 hours ago

Penn Football Demolishes Pee-Wee Team in Toughest Matchup of the Year


Photo: The Daily Pennsylvanian + Public Domain / Edited by Kasra Khadem

The athletic season has officially kicked off, and Penn’s teams have begun playing matches in front of tens of adoring fans. Penn's football team has faced an unprecedentedly difficult schedule this year, but has managed to rally in spite of this adversity.

In their toughest matchup of the year, Penn Football recently played a gruelling game against the undefeated Southern Long Island Flying Squirrels, one of the top Pee Wee teams in the nation. This matchup pitted Penn against a team in a completely separate division, with Penn typically competing in the Ivy League, and the Squirrels competing in the New York State Football4Fun League.

Despite the challenge of such tough contenders, Penn was able to win big. The Quakers absolutely routed the Squirrels 63-7, scoring 9 touchdowns in the process and injuring virtually every player on the Squirrels’ roster.

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Satire  Published 09/25/17 2:39pm

Fresh Grocer Unveils 'Halo Top Cam' to Broadcast Ice Cream Availability


The Daily Pennsylvanian File Photo

You know the drill. Stumble into Fro Gro in your pajamas on the hunt for something sweet. Replay your mom’s plentiful reminders to “watch your calorie intake because this isn’t high school anymore, sweetie.” Meander over to the frozen section. Feel wronged when the only Halo Top ice cream pint left is Strawberry. Ignore your mom’s pleas, buy the better tasting Ben & Jerry’s instead, eat the entire pint, and later realize you played yourself.

Those days are long gone.

Fresh Grocer has just introduced the release of Halo Top Cam, a livestreamed video so you can check their stock of sub-300 calorie protein “ice cream” from the comfort of your own bed instead of walking those two grueling blocks.

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Features  Published 09/25/17 1:02am

10 Reasons Why I Just Can't With Sophie Right Now


Photo by Maxpixel / Public Domain

Sophie was my best friend freshman year, and is one of the best people I know. We are now roommates. Here are the top 10 reasons I honestly just can't with Sophie right now.

1. She’s just not the same. 

a. You know when people change? I just feel duped. 

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Satire  Published 09/25/17 1:00am

This Teen Returned a Lost Wallet With $1500 Inside Because He's Rich and Didn't Need It


Photo by Pixabay / Public Domain

Faith in humanity = restored.

Josh Arlok, a 19-year-old Wharton sophomore, found a wallet with $1500 in it just sitting in a Huntsman classroom. Cold, hard cash. Most people would have just taken the money and gone on with their day, $1500 richer. Not Josh.

Instead of stealing the money, Josh found the student's ID and tracked him down to return the money. We checked in with the Huntsman Hero to see why he did what he did.

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