Satire  Published 4 hours ago

'Broke' College Sophomore Gives iPhone X Two Thumbs Up


Photo from Pixabay / CC0 

Caitlyn Finnigan (C ’19) is so broke. Last night, instead of going to Chipotle with her friends, she had to stay in and make Easy Mac at home.

“Oh my god, I’m such a starving college student,” laughed Caitlyn. “Wait let me show you— I have like two cents left in my bank account.”

Caitlyn whipped out her brand new Space Gray iPhone X, complete with high-tech facial recognition, 5.8 inch OLED display, and luxurious glass screens, and pulled up her PNC mobile banking app.

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

OP-ED: If the Penn Bubble Really Exists, Then Why Is It So Cold?


Photo by Julio Sosa / The Daily Pennsylvanian

I’m from Los Angeles where it is always 75 degrees and sunny and we all sit around the pool with an IV full of almond milk made from wild-caught, humanely raised, free-range almonds and wait to be cryogenically preserved at age 25.

When it came time for college applications, I knew I wanted a place with warm weather and rigorous academics and once I got rejected from Stanford I knew that Penn was the right choice for me.

I had heard Penn students talk about “The Penn Bubble,” stretching from 34th to 40th and Walnut to Spruce, time and time again. I eventually came to the conclusion that this infamous bubble was a massive, insulated dome covering campus, an ingenious way to protect Penn from the harsh temperatures of the East coast.

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Satire  Published 4 hours ago

Closed Fall 2017 Classes Finally Open for Registration


Photo by Manlu Liu / The Daily Pennsylvanian

If you couldn't get into a class you really wanted last semester, you're now in luck. According to a slew of recent Penn Course Notify emails, all Fall 2017 classes are now open! This is most helpful if:

  • You missed a class last semester only offered once every two years. Bonus points if you're now a junior or older.
  • You couldn't take an essential class for your major, thereby screwing up your four year plan and also your life.

Jane Maur (C '19), who had set up eight Penn Course Notify alerts last semester, was pleased by this unexpected but welcome turn of events.

"I didn't take a single major class last semester because all the ones I wanted were full," Maur said. "But now, I can retroactively register for all those fall classes I missed! It's a relief, since I'm studying abroad this semester and I'm not taking any major classes while hopping around Europe."

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

Penn Astronomers Discover Moon is Actually Extremely Close and Just Very Small


Photos by Gregory H. Revera / CC BY-SA 3.0; Juan / CC0; Max PIxel / CC0 (with edits)

Researchers from Penn’s department of Physics and Astronomy made another groundbreaking scientific discovery last Tuesday when they concluded that, contrary to centuries of astronomical data, Earth’s moon is actually extremely close and just very small. This new theory flies in the face of long-standing beliefs regarding the size of and our proximity to the natural satellite.

“We were shocked when the data showed that an average-sized person could reach up and touch the Moon,” said lead scientist Kelvin Quinn. “I tried it, and…there it was. Right above me. It was incredible.”

Months of preparation went into the experiments, as the researchers knew any findings which depart from commonly-held beliefs would be heavily scrutinized. “You can’t just come out and say, ‘Hey, the Moon is roughly the size of a bowling ball.’ You have to prove it.” said Quinn.

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

OP-ED: Yeah, Sex Is Great and All, but Have You Ever Had a Schedule With No Recitations?


Photo from Maxpixel / CC0

I have something to say. This might be an unpopular opinion, but here goes.

Sex is really cool and fun and dope, but there's one thing that's better. And that's having a schedule with no recitations.

Think about it. Sex requires lots of physical activity. You have to be in great shape to be good at it. On the other hand, when you don't have recitations, you can sleep as late as you want on Friday mornings, and lie in bed until the sun shines through your window as you lay there, immobile for the rest of time.

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Satire  Published 18 hours ago

Student Planning On Spending Winter Break Reading Ahead For Next Semester Finishes Fourth Page Of Introduction


Photo by DariuszSankowski / CC0

Katherine Russell (C ‘21) had a rough first semester. After overloading on credits, going on way too many date nights, and getting hooked on opiates, Russell bombed her finals and ended her first semester of college with a less than ideal GPA. She was disappointed, but knew she could’ve done better.

Next semester’s schedule was even harder. She was taking even more classes, and all of them were at a higher level than last semester’s courses. After careful review of last semester’s performance, she decided it was time to bring her A-game. She would spend all of winter break reading ahead in classes, doing practice exams, and get on top of her work so she would breeze through courses when she actually took them.

But, as they often do, Russell’s life got the better of her. She spent her three weeks at home engaged in various activities, which included texting her ex-boyfriend Brandon, binge watching Grey’s Anatomy, hoping things would get better, online shopping, realizing Brandon got with Ashley, browsing social media, crying on the phone to Natalie who couldn’t help because what does she know, and feeling quite sad. But she didn’t open her books much.

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Satire  Published 01/14/18 9:11am

OP-ED: Penn Needs Shorter Breaks


Edited by Amanda Nart, Original Photo from Pixabay / CC0

This may be "hot take," an "unpopular opinion," or even a "stupid idea" or whatnot, but I believe very strongly that Penn should shorten our breaks. I, Kyle F. Riddle (C '21) of nimble mind and of slender body, think that the University of Pennsylvania should, nay, needs to make Thanksgiving break begin at 4pm on Thursday and Winter Break a crisp five days. Fall break shouldn't exist at all. As I write this, I am preparing myself for an avalanche of the snowflakes who go to this school coming out of the woodworks to say things like, "I want to spend some time with my family and my new pup." Or "I need to recover from the semester's overwhelming workload and decompress." Maybe even, "I don't appreciate that mixed metaphor, Kyle." To all that I say: What is this, daycare? 

As a freshman (major still undecided lol), being home for two weeks with my family was objectively too much. I might never know how many opportunities to sweat in random frats drinking natty light I missed, or what incredible things I could have learned about writing and seminars in those days. Instead, I got full nights of sleep, went to a couple of doctor's appointments, and talked with my meemaw or whatever, I don't even know. 

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Satire  Published 01/14/18 9:11am

It’s Cold Now So You Have Permission to Look Like a Dog Sled Operator


Photo by Skeeze / CC0

With temperatures averaging in the 30s this past week, it's safe to say that it's cold outside. That means one thing and one thing only: you now officially have permission to look like one of those dog sled operators.  

Ideally, you'll want to be so bundled up that onlookers mistake you for a dog sled operator.  If someone approaches you and asks, "Where are your six Alaskan huskies and your sled?" you're probably doing it correctly.

Once it becomes warm again, you will no longer have permission to look like a dog sled operator.  If it is above 50 degrees outside and someone asks you, "Where are your six Alaskan huskies and your sled?" then you have made a mistake, since you shouldn't look like a dog sled operator when it is not freezing outside. 

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Satire  Published 01/13/18 3:48pm

BREAKING: Amy Gutmann Refers to School of Arts and Sciences as 'Total Dump' in Board Meeting


Photo by Rachel Meyer / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Penn President Amy Gutmann referred to the School of Arts and Sciences as a "total dump" during a Board of Trustees meeting Thursday night, sources say. 

Gutmann reportedly grew irritated with board members during the meeting when the subject of budgets for the 12 respective schools within the University was brought up. "Why are we giving any more money to that total dump school?" Gutmann said in reference to the School of Arts and Sciences, according to a secretary present at the meeting who asked to remain anonymous. Three other witnesses independently confirmed this claim.

Gutmann then suggested that more of the budget's resources should be allocated to the Engineering, Medical, and Law schools. "Why do we need any more of these liberal arts students? Take them out [of the budget]," she reportedly said later in the evening. 

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Satire  Published 01/13/18 1:22pm

Freshman Doing Recruitment Not Planning on Pledging Sorority, Just Loves Small Talk


Photo by Joy Lee / The Daily Pennsylvanian

Walking around campus this past week, sorority rush stood out like a sore thumb. Droves of freshman and sophomore women were standing outside in the cold, waiting to be let into the sorority houses with the possibility of one day becoming a sister. The range of reasons as to what had brought each Ivy League student to the rain covered steps of these sorority houses varied greatly. For some it was the hopes of finding a bigger group of friends, for some it was the appeal of parties and a bigger social life, but for Abby Gallagher (C '21), it was small talk. Abby is obsessed with small talk.

In an interview with Gallagher’s roommate Tara Carter (E '21), she made it clear Abby did not want to be part of a sorority. When we asked why, Tara emphasized she not only did she not know, but also, after three months of living with her, knew next to nothing about Abby as a human being.

“I don’t know, we don’t really get around to talking about deep things very often. Every conversation we’ve had since I got to school, she’s asked me what my hobbies are,” Tara said. “One time I asked her what her feelings on North Korea were, and she just responded, ‘haha totally.’”

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